LDL Blues

So, I had my physical on Friday. I thought my doctor was going to plotz when he found out about my weight loss. His assistant was high fiving me, and when doc came into the examination room he wandered around a bit saying that he could hear me but couldn't see me. :) He's a funny guy, my doc.

So, I'm healthy except for one big but. My LDL cholesterol is too high. I didn't even remotely think my cholesterol would be an issue because I've been eating so much better and have lost so much weight. But, alas, I was wrong. Now, I can't say this for certain, but I'm pretty sure part of the problem is the WW and Lean Cuisine frozen meals I eat at every opportunity. I have tons of fresh fruit and veg in my diet, but those entrees man, so easy to heat up, and they taste so good. And they're loaded with preservatives. And the WW treats, well, I've probably been eating way too many of those too. I'm not blaming WW. I was taking an easy way for now, and while it's helped with my weight loss it's obviously taken its toll on my insides.

I had never planned to make the treats and frozen dinners a permanent part of this program. What it did was make the transition to the WW way of living easier on me. I could heat up a good tasting dinner, and have a couple of sweets or ice creams and would still be on the program. But, my body is telling me to move on, so I will.

Tonight when I get home I'm going to make a whole new grocery list. Nothing is going to be so earth shattering, but I'm afraid I've got to give the dinners and frozens the old heave-ho.

Sorry guys, but we knew this day would come.

I ate too much this weekend. I had a 'binge' mentality going on and overate all the bad things I discussed above. It will probably show up on my weigh in, but I'll be prepared. It was silly and I didn't have to do it, but my old habits started rearing up and I fed them. I'm definitely regretting it today, but do not see a reason to continue it. If I do I will no doubt end up exactly where I started or worse.

It's weird that even with the success as I've been having my grasp is as tenuous as it ever was. The cravings, the sensations and the desire to overeat are all there. It's a battle that I have to fight every day amigos. I'll never be safe. I don't get discouraged when I say that. It just means that I must remain diligent. Be on my toes and pay attention to what I'm doing and eating, and stopping myself before it starts. So I don't mind when I say it's a lifelong battle. It just gives me that much more of a reason to stick with it, because I know darned good and well what will happen to me if I don't.

So, my diet is going to be changing over the next few weeks. I am going to be retested in 3 months, and dagnabbit I'm going to bring that number down. I do not want to be on medication for my cholesterol!!!

It was nice to have the day off on Friday. I sort of lollygagged after my physical. I took a nap in there somewhere, did some other stuff. Saturday was my adoption center day. And then I went to the gym for a swim and hot tub extravaganza. I did great on the swim. I've never taken lessons so I just sort of flail my way back and forth from one end to the other, but my heart rate gets going. And after spending four hours with John Q Public nothing feels quite so wonderful as a long soak in a hot tub. So worth it.

So, here I am, back at my job struggling to stay awake and trying very hard not to think about food too much. I'll keep you all posted on my progress with the cholesterol.

Let's get physical!

Wait, I meant, let's get A physical!

I'm going in for a somewhat overdue complete physical exam this coming Friday, complete with fasting for a cholesterol test (drat!). I'm very curious about what's going to go down at this physical. First, I think my doctor will plotz when he sees how much weight I've lost. I saw the man in January, before WW, and I was not in very good shape. Second, I'm anxious to see what my numbers are going to be, that is, cholesterol, blood pressure and such. My last exam they were pretty good, actually, but I'd been eating quite well for the months beforehand so I wasn't surprised.

I think these numbers will probably be good too, but I also eat a lot of WW frozen dinners and while the majority of my diet is very simple (and quite often raw), WW meals, while tasty and easy, are loaded with preservatives and such. They're just so darned good. So I'm hoping that the bowl of oatmeal and the 3 pieces of fruit and 2 salads that I eat every day are doing the job of moving any of that cholesterol right out. We'll see.

Unfortunately I have to have a separate girly exam (anything abnormal at any point and my GP wants me to see a specialist, which I realize is in my best interest but...I just don't wanna) which I won't need until November, so it's not going to be a one-stop-shopping physical.

So I'm thinking I'll have a blood test, possibly a chest x-ray, and EKG and the general poking and prodding and listening that goes along with it.

When I was younger I had a fear of doctors. I had a couple traumatic things happen when I was a kid (dog bite, and a horrible case of the flu, out of school for a week), and my parents were never ones to visit doctors. I could have been bleeding out of my eyes and they'd try and cure me at home. It was a combination of things that made me phobic.

But with my years has come a nonchalance about doctor's visits. I just don't care. I can take any exam and it just doesn't bother me. I've had interns be a part of my yearly exams. I don't care. I can discuss almost anything without embarrassment. I have no anxiety about my yearly mammograms. A colonoscopy is no big deal. I don't worry about not shaving my legs (although I try very hard to remember to do it).

Being a somewhat shy person, it is a bit shocking that this is my take on medicine, but it is. It's not like I wear sleazy outfits in my regular life or anything, but if my doctor needs to see some part of me that isn't normally exposed? I couldn't care less. I don't get 'white coat' syndrome and I manage to stay cool as a cucumber.

The only thing that ever caused me anxiety was stepping on the scale. You know the scale, the doctor's scale, with the slidy thing. Over the years I watched as the slidy thing crept up and up, and my doctors became more and more concerned.

I have a very resilient body and managed to remain surprisingly healthy in spite of my weight (no diabetes, that sort of thing). But it's not good to be so large and I knew, as did my doctors, that I was living on borrowed time. It will catch up with me.

This is the first time in a long, long, incredibly long time that I'm actually looking forward to stepping on the scale. Actually, I don't know if I've ever looked forward to it.

I'll let you know how things go. The great thing about my clinic is that I can get my test results through an online program they have. I can email my doctor, I can set up appointments, all that good stuff. So I'll have plenty of access to my results, and quickly too. Of course a lot of it is Greek to me, but I know the important stuff.

How weird is it to look forward to your physical!?

Monday, Monday...

Hello faithful reader. Here's an update for ya. As of my last weigh in on Thursday, I've lost 51 pounds. I got a new thingy for my keychain, a refrigerator magnet and a round of applause from my WW group. I will admit, it feels pretty dang good. My knees don't creak anymore, that's a biggie, I'm getting around easier, my clothes aren't too tight, I can actually fit in clothes that I never could before.

I'm quite pleased all around! I have decided from this point forward I will simply tell you if I've gained (God forbid), lost or stayed the same. I can't make this about numbers anymore, I'll get buried by them. No, this is going to be about progress. This is going to be about adopting a new lifestyle.

I had a pretty good weekend. The weather was gorgeous, couldn't have been nicer, with some late night/early morning thunderstorms thrown in the mix to make things interesting.

I'm still not going to commit anything to this blog about my date. Sorry amigos, but after the last time, when I essentially laid it all out there and then **poof** a month later he's gone, I just can't do that again. I'm a superstitious lass and I don't want to tempt fate. And I guess maybe I want to keep that to myself? To a certain extent. I mean, it's not like I haven't told anyone! Just don't want to put it here just yet.

This weekend I had a big NSV as my WW board calls it, NSV being non-scale victory. I went to Kohl's on Saturday and actually tried on clothes off the rack that weren't necessarily the largest size they had. THAT is a huge victory. I almost couldn't believe it was happening. I only ended up buying one thing, but the reason I didn't get anything else wasn't because it didn't fit, it just didn't look good.

That was a weird, wonderful feeling. I don't think I'd realized how much I depended on mail-order for my clothes. I wasn't buying things from omarthetentmaker.com or anything like that, I could shop normal venues like Eddie Bauer. But their stores don't stock a lot of the plus size merchandise so I had nowhere else to turn. But now, I don't have to worry about that, or so it would seem.

I guess that was about the biggest NSV I've had so far. I never knew how much that would mean to me. I felt normal.

I'm nervous

That's right amigos, I'm nervous. Just a nervous Nellie. You wouldn't know by looking at me, I can keep quite a calm exterior. But inside I've got a conga line having the time of their lives.

First of all, I am weighing in today. I'm nervous about that for a few reasons. I had a weird week. An on program week, but a weird week. So I don't really know if I'll register a loss or not. If you asked me if I felt like I lost weight, well, yes, I assuredly do feel like I lost weight. But in the world of weight loss, that doesn't amount to a hill of beans, it's the scale that rules the roost. So until I step my size nines up there I won't be settled.

I did eat too much on the fourth, and I didn't make good choices over the weekend. On the plus side, I have been moving more and drinking all my water.

I'm worried about not losing because, once again I have a couple of milestones. I'm 2 lbs away from losing 50, which is a biggie. And I'm 1 pound away from another personal milestone. The last time I failed to meet my expectations I suffered a setback. It wasn't huge, and I got right back on the horse, but I don't want to go through that again. Luckily I'm in a better place mentally than I was then, so I don't think I'd take a nosedive if the scale doesn't show me what I want. But I would be disappointed. How I wish it was 5:30 already!!!

I've got another thing giving me the schpilkes in my genechtegezoid. I have date number 2 tonight. And when I say date number 2 I don't just mean my second date this week, I mean my second date with the same person. This is new territory for me. Maybe not new, just not travelled in a very long time. A very long time.

Sorry amigos, but I must keep the deets to myself. In time I'll fill you in, I just need to figure out where I'm going before I jump in with many details.

Tonight will be dinner, and I'm having a minor attack trying to figure out where to go. Not that it's up to me, but we're meeting more in my neck of the woods so it makes sense that I'd be more familiar with what's around. I have a couple of ideas, but nothing I'm 100% sold on.

Oh, and today they shampooed the carpet here. I've been inhaling sickeningly floral fumes all day and I think I might barf.

But on the plus side, if I barf my weigh in might be better.

Happy Belated Independence Day!

Hey Amigos,

Here's a little update for you. I've currently lost 48 pounds! I may tell you when I hit 50, and then I'm going to keep the numbers to myself. I'll just tell you if I'm up, down or stay the same. I just don't want to concentrate on numbers so much. And I'm very concerned that I'll obsess over how far I have to go, and the less I do that the better.

I was hoping to hit 50 this week. I don't know, though. I sort of went a bit haywire on July 4th. We were celebrating the 4th and my nephew's birthday because he's not going to be here for the actual day (which I believe is today!). So there was some cake to be had, and I thawed out a rhubarb pie I'd made a couple weeks ago, and I just had to have some of that. And we roasted a couple marshmallows, and my mom made a really good potato salad.

And I went to 2 baseball games, and had some in the shell peanuts. And some licorice.

So, yeah. If I lost this week, I don't deserve to!

However, I didn't use that as an excuse to blow the rest of the week. No sir. I'm a bit off schedule, I'll admit, but that's mostly because I haven't gone grocery shopping and am having to improvise. So I'm sort of culling these weird meals together.

I'm getting new glasses today. I'm sure that's not very thrilling to hear but I'm totally psyched about it because they're adorable.

OK, I just didn't want you to think I forgot about you, so there's a quick update.

One more thing, I did have a date last night. However, in an effort not to jinx it, I'm not going to talk about it. If something develops, maybe I'll fill you in. I'll just let you know that I had a very nice time.

this bugs me

I tried this post like 3 times today, just can't get it off the ground. But this incident irked me enough that I think this time it might work.

I read a profile in match.com where the guy said, and I quote "If you are more than 5 or 10 pounds overweight, don't contact me."

So, yeah, this guy's a prize.

Before you go saying this or that about how we all have criteria like that, etc., don't sweat it, because I agree with you. The difference is, I don't go around TELLING people that, and putting it on a public profile for everyone to see. There are places for you to put your criteria that should weed out the folks that don't match up with what you're looking for that will spare people from knowing what they are. And if you're so concerned that there are fat women out there yanking your chain, you need to have a little more faith in people. Or enough self awareness to realize that any woman in their right mind, fat or otherwise, wouldn't give you the time of day if you are willing to let 5 pounds (5 lousy pounds) make or break a deal.

It's a sensitive subject with me, I'll admit. But usually in the whole dating scene it doesn't bug me much. What bugs me is how this guy ended up in one of my searches in the first place. Nothing breaks a deal for someone like weight does. You lie a little bit about your age? No biggie. Or your hair color? Or height? Meh. But to deceive someone regarding your weight, well.

This fellow has every right to go for what he wants. But it's a pretty darned off-putting thing to say. So if some lucky gal manages to start a relationship with this guy, what, does he dump her if they go on vacation and she packs on a few pounds? There's not much room for error with this guy.

I don't know amigos, it just got to me. But I'm not perfect either. I've got several things, some quirky likes and dislikes, that I could probably put down there. Like mustaches. I'm not a fan. But I'm not going to say "If you have a mustache, don't contact me." I mean, come on, I'm here to meet people. My profile should be nice and positive, and not dwell on what I don't want, but on what I do.

But, I've always been a glass half full kind of girl.

I don't know, I think I sort of jumped the track here. It just bugged me to see that, something so negative, and something that could be so potentially hurtful to women. We have enough problems with our body image and society that we don't need this dickweed adding to it.

I'm just sayin.

Da latest

Hey Amigos,

There's a little something I've kept from you, and seeing as how that's really not my style I figure it's time I 'fessed up.

I set up a personal on match.com. Yes, I did. I didn't do this out of desperation or anything. I did this out of boredom and laziness. I'm bored being single and I'm too lazy to do any of the traditional things people do to meet other people. I do enough on my own and I'm not meeting anyone, so I figured why add more to my schedule when the chances are I wouldn't meet anyone THERE either. So, yeah.

My profile is a truthful description of who I am with a relatively recent photo of myself included. Actually, it's more than relatively recent. It's like 2 weeks old. So they're seeing the real me. It's not a full body shot or anything, I'm so not ready for one of those, but they get the picture.

So, it's been 2, maybe 3 weeks. Have I been successful, you ask? In a word, nah. Not really. I'm not sure if it's me, or them, or whatever, but there's just not a whole lot going on. I perform searches, and I get matches, etc., but nothing too thrilling. Or, I contact someone and then never hear back. It's not a huge deal, but I did pay for the flipping thing so I wouldn't mind getting something for my buck. I'm keeping very close tabs on the guarantee. They give you 6 months for free if you do not make a successful match in the first 6 months. Of course I'd rather have my money back but you take what you can get. There are a few things I have to fulfill to be eligible for the guarantee. One is I have to have a photo up. Check. The next is I have to have a 'live' profile, as in, people can access it. Check. The third is I have to email at least 5 members every month. I'm up to 4. I figure I can do 5 before my month is up (they do it based on when you sign up, so I have some time).

I think if I'm not successful after 3 months, I will consider it a challenge to remain unsuccessful for the last 3, just to see if I can squeeze 6 free months out of them. We shall see.

J, my former feller of past posts (who would probably kill me if he knew I told people this but I don't particularly care and I know good and well he'll never check this blog and I'm assuming by this time he's forgotten I ever existed), had very bad luck with an online dating service. He ended up getting his money back after 12 months. I know. That should have been a clue, but I figured they must have missed something about him. Of course I found out later that in fact they DIDN'T miss anything about him and that he just happens to be a jerk.

I like to think I'm not a jerk, just misunderstood. Or unattractive. Or something, hell, I don't know what, but I sure can drive the men away!

There's been one person I've emailed back and forth with. He seems like a nice guy. Today over lunch we had an IM conversation, and set up some time to talk on the phone later this week. I'm not getting my hopes up, mostly because I am one unlucky girl.

Yeah, never had much luck in the whole thing, for a variety of reasons, none of which I will tell you about right now. Too boring or stupid. Besides, when it comes right down to it, I really don't know why things have turned out the way they have. I've done what people have said would work. "Don't look. You'll find him when you're not looking." "Put yourself out there! He can't find you if you're not out there!" (Does anyone else notice that these 2 pieces of advice contradict each other?). "Join a club/church." "Ask your friends to fix you up." And on and on.

My luck wasn't particularly good when I was at a lower weight either. It's never been good. I guess I'm just not what the fellers are looking for. I have had some loves in my life, so I know that it can work. But I haven't tried this online thing so that remains to be seen.

So, I have a phone date later this week. I'm not really holding out hope that it's going to happen to begin with. You wouldn't either if you were me! But if it does, well, great. I'll let you know.

Not much else going on amigos. I'm just incredibly happy that this is a 4 day work week! Happy 4th!