WI Day

Hey Amigos,

Another weigh in day, another week of not so great eating. I started out all wrong (a trip to Outpost, the beginning of the end) and never quite got my mojo back. I talked about it extensively with my therapist, which helped. We've been comparing it to a marathon, and right now I'm in the middle of it, the suckiest part. Not fresh out of the gate like at the beginning, but not close enough to the end to see the finish line.

This is the hard part, this is the endurance. But, I have faith that if I continue going to my meetings, it will all come together.

So, that's where I'm at. Not much of a post, admittedly, but it's not fun to talk about either! I'll report in soon. I'm not holding out for a loss tonight at all, but that's OK with me. I've started a new day today.

Trackin', like the doo-dah man

Hey Amigos,

Just had to tell you, I took on a little challenge with my dear friend, co-worker and WW buddy D. We found that we both have stalled. I weigh now what I weighed at the beginning of summer. If I were in maintenance, then bully for me. But maintenance is NOT where I am, so I had to get cracking here. I can't afford to be on WW my entire life (in the literal and figurative senses of the word).

So D and I have made a commitment to tracking. I'm tracking everything, so is he, and then we're emailing our daily reports to each other the next morning.

They're not joking when they say, tracking = weight loss. I stopped tracking consistently probably around when I went on vacation, and in that time I've probably put on 5 or 6 pounds. NOT GOOD. So as of Sunday, I've tracked everything. Now, I don't know if that will translate into a weight loss when I weigh in tomorrow, because I had a doozy of a binge between Thursday and Friday. It was someone's last day here, and there was a lengthy celebration with tons of sweets, and she had brought in donuts, which I never eat, but my donut demon came out of the dark and that was that. So I had some major, I mean MAJOR making up to do. So I may or may not post a loss tomorrow (most likely not), and I'll live with that.

The fact of the matter is, I'm tracking again, and the process reminds me how very important it is. Probably the thing I notice most of all is that I really put a lot more thought into what I'm eating. I remind myself that whatever I eat has a number, and I have to write that number down and I have to be held accountable for it. It just makes me stop and think, which is a big part of eating right.

Another motivator for me is that I really want to be able to tell you, my amigos, that I've got losses coming. I've had a few, but I erased them. Essentially the summer was a wash, and I need to make up for that.

I told my friend D, it's as if we are having a renaissance, almost like we've discovered the program all over again.

On another note, I feel really sad about the loss of Ted Kennedy. Of course, I feel a bit conflicted, given his past. But his influence is undeniable, and we probably won't see the likes of him again. A sad day indeed.

OK, that's enough out of me. Just wanted to tell you what I'm doing, and hopefully I'll be able to start giving you NUMBERS, baby, NUMBERS.

For cryin' out glavin!

Argh. I knew I was going to gain weight this week. I wasn't even surprised at the number on the scale. Know what pisses me off? The fact that I'm 7 pounds heavier than I was at the end of June! I've lost in there, but I've also gained, and the gains are winning. Drat! Drat drat drat!

Know what though? I'm glad I looked at my weight tracker. It's one thing to look at each individual week, but when you see something that has affected you for the last month and a half, it's a bit more...persuasive!

So, I've broken a promise to myself, to not fall back under 100 lbs lost. Poop. Am I defeated? No. Just pissed. Being pissed is a great motivator. Maybe I'll make myself too angry to eat.

I've found a couple new addictions. These aren't too bad, along the lines of caramel flavored rice cakes and Skinny Cow ice cream. I had my first taste of a Famous Dave's pickle. No, I wasn't at Famous Dave's. Not interested, thank you very much. I was at Sam's Club of all places, and it was 'sample day' and the pickle seemed like a safe bet. They're fabulous. They're like bread and butter pickles with a little kick. I tried to buy a jar there, but, being Sam's, I couldn't actually only buy one, I would have had to buy six. No lie. Considering the only other products they had were barbecue sauces and meaty things, I wasn't interested in anything other than pickles, and I wasn't going to buy six jars of pickles. So I picked a jar up while grocery shopping yesterday.

Unfortunately, after I opened them and started eating them, I looked at the ingredients, and the second ingredient is high fructose corn syrup. Before vinegar even. But, pickles are a good snack, and when I'm finished with this jar I'll just find another bread and butter pickle with better ingredients and add my own spices.

My other good addiction is olives. The best thing about them is that it's hard to OD on them. I love them, and can eat a lot of them, but even for me I find them satisfying in a relatively short time.

So, anyway...your slightly pudgier angry friend is recommitting and getting this flipping weight off. For God's sake, I don't want summer to be a complete wash!!!

Challenges!

Hey Amigos,

Margin Walker checked out for a few weeks here, apologies all around. There are some major changes going on at my job and I have been tied up nearly every minute of every day. So, when I do have some free time, I have to decompress for several hours.

My eating has been lousy for the past week. It all started with my birthday, which happened to be the first day of the state fair. So, I was at the fair all day, ate all day, then got home and ate some more. Then I had a party at a friend's house. It's not even like I ate that much when I was there, it's that I continued to eat when I got home.

Then the next day was my work picnic. It really doesn't help that I work with some of the best cooks and bakers in town. And, I made a kick-ass dish myself, rhubarb dream bars (they were gone in a nanosecond after I set them down). Then, that evening, I went to dinner with my sis and mom to celebrate my birthday.

That was Sunday. So you'd think that would be the end and I'd pick up where I left off. But that's not what happened. There was a luncheon Wednesday. And the fact that a coworker brought in brownies on Monday. Then I had plans this Thursday to attend the fair again. See, my mom and sis and I always pick a day during the week to go. So I knew all week I had another visit to the fair in the works. I know that shouldn't have made a difference, but it messed with me. It made it hard for me to take my eating seriously.

I know that's messed up.

I have to weigh in tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but i have to do it. I find myself beginning to talk myself out of attending at all, and that is so scary. I've already pushed it from Thursday until tomorrow. In my defense, I didn't have much choice. I always attend Thursday evenings. Well, this Thursday I was back at the fair. My mom and sis and I went early and were home by 3:30; then I and 3 friends went back (it was a totally different experience, on many levels!). There was no time for me to go, not without messing up some plans.

So I'm going tomorrow, which is the 11th hour in WW world (points reset on Sunday). Honestly, I don't want to go. I wish I could just live my life and have none of this be an issue. But it doesn't work that way. And if I don't go tomorrow, I will have broken my one promise to myself, and I absolutely flat-out refuse to do that. So, I'll go, and step on the scale, and I'll see the toll that a week of free falling has on my weight. Maybe I can be a cautionary tale. "This is what happens when you eat a cream puff, deep fried snickers, deep fried PB and J, pancakes, apple sundae, blue moon ice cream, pizza, cherry float, corn on the cob, cheese curds, etc. in the course of a week."

I'm not happy about this week, but I do have to admit that the temptations were beyond extraordinary. I mean, come ON.

I hope to gain some inspiration from my meeting. I'm going at 7:00 am. Then I'm taking my friend who is in town from New York out to breakfast. It's a long standing tradition.

I believe this to be my last commitment involving food for a couple weeks. Harder than Christmas, I tell ya.

Vacation, all I ever wanted.

Hey Amigos,

I had a few minutes so I figured I'd rap with you all. Or at you all.

My vacation by the way, was fabulous. I'll tell you about it now before I start forgetting.

My mom and sis picked me up at the butt-crack of dawn for a 5:30 am flight. The usual airport rigamarole ensued. The nice thing about a flight that early is that we got into Charleston early, so we had a lot of time to wander, even before checking in. We had brunch, I had a Bloody Mary, southern style (it had a piece of pickled okra in it), we wandered around. Then we went to where we were staying, a vacation rental condo sort of thing. I walked in, changed into my suit and went to the pool. I didn't even sit down. We were a short walk to the beach, our room had a beach view, and the pool was SO close. It was hot of course, Charleston is HOT HOT HOT. But there's a constant ocean breeze and it was just lovely.

That practically sums up my vacation. I spent more time on the beach than at the pool, but I pretty much just hung out. I was so happy that my mom and sis were up for that, and weren't up for more sightseeing. We'd been there before so we didn't feel compelled to visit anywhere in particular. We went out to eat, laid around on the beach, played Scrabble. I got a sunburn, swam with some dolphins (and also saw a bunch of them while having dinner one evening). We shopped historic Charleston. We went to the Moon Pie shop (which was my undoing...but it was worth it). All and all I had a fantastic time and can't wait to go back.

I managed to have a modest gain that week, about 1.5 pounds. I was completely OK with that. I went down there with grandiose visions of losing weight, of making great choices all the time. But, I knew as soon as I had that first glass of sweet tea and they set down that first basket of biscuits (or hush puppies...) I was just going to do what I want. And I did. But I didn't have any regrets, and I went right back to my regular eating when I got back (practically the first thing I did upon my return was go grocery shopping).

Truly a wonderful vacation. Do you realize that's the first vacation I've had since January of last year? I've taken days off here and there, but it's my first bona fide vacation in a year and a half. I doubt I'll ever put vacation off for that long ever again!

My WW plan has been going pretty well. Not perfect. I'm definitely in a bit of a lull. Still lost more than 100 pounds, so I've got that going for me. But I seem to be toying with the same 5. But, I had a loss last week, and hope to have one this week. And if not, I will next week!

Fishin'

Hola Amigos,

Vacation was great, I'll write about that later. Right now I've got the schpilkes over a couple things and I just felt the need to get some stuff out of me.

First off, there's some shit going down at work that does not make me one bit happy. Decisions were made in my absence, and my boss' absence, and since she was gone longer than I, I haven't had a chance to talk with her about any of it and the stress is sitting in my stomach like a hot bowling ball.

Secondly, I decided to try online dating again. Why, you ask? I don't know. Glutton for punishment maybe? I like to see just how low I can get my self-esteem?

The one I'm doing now is free, plentyoffish.com. The reason I looked into this website is that a journal came through my area, I think it was Inc. or Entrepreneur, that did a piece on the guy who came up with plenty of fish. He's a millionnaire who works maybe 3 hours a day. He essentially said that this is so incredibly easy that it runs itself, and has been that way from the beginning. What the hell? Why can't I think of stuff like that?

So it made me curious and I checked it out, set up a profile and put my line in the water (haha...how's THAT for a clever metaphor). It actually has a ton of members, more than any of the paid sites, so that's good. And it isn't like it's crappy because it's free. They have standards and will boot people who are using it inappropriately.

But, alas, it's not much different than paid sites in many ways. I keep getting the same kind of matches as I ever did, and we all know where that got me.

Here are some ways to make certain that I will NOT contact you:

1. You have an obvious mullet in a photo that's less than 25 years old.

2. You're shirtless. I don't care if it's a close-up or a long shot photo. No shirt, no dice. A little self-respect, maybe? I got dressed for my profile photo, it's the least you could do.

3. You're holding something dead that you, yourself have killed. I can't tell you how many guys post pictures of them holding up fish, turkeys, and deer. They actually kneel down and cradle the deer's head in their laps. Yes, I grew up in Wisconsin. But thankfully my dad was an animal lover who never hunted anything in his life. We didn't have guns either. A pic of you and something dead or you with a gun? Overcompensating, fellas. Check out a book on Freud and get back to me.

4. You're holding something dead, period. That's just creepy.

5. You're holding a beer or other alcoholic beverage. Maybe some women enjoy that. I do not. Drinking is nothing to be proud of. Everybody drinks. I can drink. I don't need a photo to prove it.

6. You've blacked out the face of a person who is obviously your ex, or you just happen to have a picture of you and your ex. I don't care how good the damn picture is. Did you even run it past your ex? Are you trying to prove that you've had a relationship of some sort?

7. Enough with the pics of you on your Harley. See the reference to 'overcompensating' in number 3.

8. Shirts with sleeves, please. I don't care to see your pit hair before we've even met in person.

9. At least attempt to spell things correctly. A little effort goes a long way. And don't tell me you ain't got no spell checker. Which brings us to the question of grammar...

10. Be original. That whole bit about 'I enjoy walks on the beach' being a cliche? All true.

I'm not all hell bent on all of my matches being handsome. I just ask for presentable. Put a little effort into it. And you don't have to be a brute to attract women, at least not this woman. I don't need to see that you're a provider and you can hunt and kill things for me. I'm not impessed by guns or bikes or booze or how much you can put away in a weekend. Just talk to me!

Now before you say I'm all high-falutin', I want you to know that I'm not asking for anything that I don't provide myself.

Maybe my standards are too high? I'm sure some people could say that. But I really don't think it's too much to ask that you put a shirt on. I wear one every day. It's not so bad.

Listen all of y'all it's a sabotage

I've been ruminating on this a lot lately, the idea of sabotage. I fight a demon every waking hour of my life. Sometimes it's an easy fight, and I win. And sometimes I'm completely defeated. It's like there's 2 parts of me. Sometimes one part dominates, sometimes another, and sometimes one is completely banished, for a while.

Not sure if that makes sense, but it's honestly how it feels. Some of the time at least.

I've been thinking about it a lot because I've had a rough week. Some good, some bad. Mostly bad.

As of my last weigh in (a week ago today) I'd lost 106 lbs. So happy about that, I just can't tell you. I'm amazed to see it in writing!

I sort of cut loose that day after my meeting. Then I reined it in on Friday, and got some good exercise. Then came the fourth, and I really cut loose. Ate too much of everything, and continued until I fell asleep. Sunday was no great shakes either. Monday was pretty good, and Tuesday. But last night I caved. I didn't eat dinner at a normal time because I had a 6:00 riding lesson, which gave me enough time to run home, let the dog out, and hit the road to get to Grafton. Unfortunately there is a Trader Joe's I have to pass on my way to and from my lesson. By the time my lesson was over (and it was a good one, and I worked hard) I was HONGRAY! I figured I'd stop at Trader Joe's and get something to eat.

Well, I did that. But got more than I needed and kidded myself into believing I would parcel it out over a day or two.

I think you know the end of that chapter.

I can't explain it amigos. I really can't. I know it's wrong. There's a part of me that is screaming to myself to stop it. I mean that nearly literally, a screaming voice in my head. But I can't seem to stop myself.

One of the things I bought was some toffee. I honestly believed I wouldn't eat it all. I got home and had a couple pieces. Then I put it away. Then I kept thinking about how good it was. And as I continued to do that I wanted more of it. Then I started thinking about how maybe it's better I eat it all so that I don't have to obsess anymore.

I think you know the end of that chapter too.

I wish that somehow I could make this stop happening. Yeah, I realize that I can, by just not doing it. But it's not that simple. And I really truly am trying. I must be doing something right, I've lost 106 pounds. But the struggle continues, as much today as ever.

I try and tell myself all the reasons to not overindulge, about how much better I feel, how much healthier I am, how I can wear clothes that I like. You'd think that would be enough. Sometimes it is. But sadly, sometimes it isn't.

Not sure where this post is going. I was going to journal about it, but it seemed just as useful, if not moreso, to put it out here. Amazing how it does help. I don't like admitting that I've had a binge, but I think it would be worse to keep it all inside.

The worst thing, the thing I'm going to have to deal with, is if I see a gain this week. I get so angry with myself, and my negative self talk, which is usually loud and clear, becomes ear-splitting. And that worries me because I don't want to end up in a spiral. You'd think my dread of a gain would be inspiration enough to not binge, but that didn't stop me this time.

I can't tell you how bad the feeling is, anticipating a gain. I fret over it. It ties my stomach in knots.

Honest to God amigos, I can't tell you how much being addicted to food sucks. It's horrible. I wish it would just go away and stop torturing me.

I do have an answer for my current situation. It's very simple. I'm going to my meeting. Just like I went to my first meeting and every meeting in between. Good, bad, otherwise, I'll be going to my meeting tonight and weighing in. Yesterday doesn't matter, the past week doesn't matter. It's what I do today on that matters.

In a related yet different bit of news, I'm going on vacation. Finally, at last, I'm taking a full, solid week off. I haven't done that since January 2008, my trip to NYC. This time my mom, sissy and I are going to Charleston, SC. We went there a couple years ago and had a blast. I am anticipating a great trip down there this time.

The last time I went, I had to ask for seat belt extenders. I can't tell you how humiliating that is. It really is. And I'm going to tell you a little secret. I was so humiliated going down there that on the flights back I faked buckling my seatbelt to save me the embarrassment of having to ask for one again. Ain't that the shit? I broke F A A rules out of shame.

I was also wearing a size probably 4X swimsuit. Now I'm wearing a size 16W swimsuit. I intend on spending copious amounts of time on the beach and at the pool.

I'm a bit worried about the eating situation. The food down in SC is phenomenal. Seafood everywhere you turn. Hush puppies. I love hush puppies. Sweet potato pie. Sweet tea. Gumbo. Grits.

I'm going to track as best I can. And I'm hoping that the fact that we're going to be moving a lot (I'm never too sedentary on vacation) I will have some flexibility. I know that going on vacation can be tough, but frankly, it's never been as tough for me as I know it is on some folks. I do love food and eating out. But I snack less. And we'll be buying groceries as soon as we get there so we can make our own breakfast and I will have a lot of control over what I eat. So while being on WW and taking vacation may not be the easiest thing in the world, I do believe it will be livable, if not downright enjoyable.

I even have my meeting strategy planned out. I will miss my regular meeting, but already have one picked out to attend the day after I get back. So, I guess you could say ll my bases are covered.

Sorry this blog sort of rambled and went all over the place and whatnot. I didn't have a clear agenda, I just wanted to write about my problems of the past week, to try and sort things out, to maybe get myself back into the right frame of mind. Bless your hearts if you've followed it to this point, because I brought you into my brain and back out again, and that can be a bit scary.

I think I'm in a good place now. And I am going to my meeting tonight. As long as I can say those two things, everything else will follow.