The list gets longer

Hola Amigos,

I'm not being a very good blogger, and I don't want to run the risk of losing my reader, and I do have a funny story to tell you, so here I am.

I also think I need to get some stuff out here, mostly about my weight loss journey. Thankfully, we are at ground zero now. I had a very good loss last week and it put me at 100 lbs lost even, so we're starting the counter over, folks. So, at my weigh in tomorrow, it's back to square one.

Now, about my weigh in tomorrow. I did a little celebrating after my weigh in last week. Oh, the irony is not lost on me friends. I went to a wonderful French restaurant called Le Reve with 3 of my dearest friends, and we had a long, leisurely meal. I honestly didn't do too badly. I had a nicoise salad, and we all shared some frites, and we also shared dessert. But I was so wound up when I got home that I ended up staying up too late and getting hungry again.

Then I started this thing of putting Jello mousse (this stuff is fantastic) in between graham crackers and freezing it and have subsequently come to learn that graham crackers are yet another thing I cannot have in my house, because I will eat them until they're gone. Not that it stopped me from buying more over the weekend. But now that those are gone I can assure you that graham crackers will no longer darken my door.

So, I've got the schpilkes that I won't have a loss tomorrow, or at the worst, I'll have a gain. I can't stop beating myself up. For some reason I'm being especially hard on myself about it. I just know this half-assed approach needs to stop, or I'm not going to go anywhere, and that's just unnacceptable.

One of my motivators has been that, frankly, I don't want to flipping pay anymore! WW monthly pass is $40/mo and if you think I couldn't be using that money for something else, then you've got some nerve mister. But seriously, do I want to keep paying $40 so that I can shirk my duties as a Weight Watcher? No!

I've been motivating myself by looking for success stories. I spent a goodly amount of time checking out the blog of a woman who has lost 270 lbs through WW. Jesus H. Christ. I saw another one who lost well over 200 lbs. These are women who started out heavier than I (not an easy thing to do) and managed to take the weight off via WW, and I need to see those stories to remind myself that it's possible.

I just can't believe, still, that the urge to overeat is so strong. When I had those graham crackers in the house, they were all I could think about, and eating them all was my way of making those thoughts go away (God forbid I actually throw them out or anything like that).

Oh, cereal too. Over the course of 2 days I ate an entire box of frosted mini wheats. So, cereal, which was always on my list, is now on my list in CAPITAL LETTERS. But I still do it. This was just a few days ago! In spite of my success, in spite of the plan that is great and it works, in spite of all that I STILL fall into bad habits. The fight is never over amigos.

So, the funny story I was going to tell you, I went to my riding lesson on Saturday. When I got there the horse I ride was still out in the pen area, so I figured I'd go out there and get him. It is a scary prospect, but I've done it a couple times and it's something I should be doing. So out I go with a harness to bring him in. It had been raining all week. One of my friends there loaned me her rubber boots because the mud was ankle deep, and I started slogging through the mud and manure. I did what you were supposed to, which is make noise, announce your presence etc. He and the other horses were gathered around a bale of hay, so I was able to walk right up. Of course, walking wasn't exactly easy. It was one of those things where you lift your foot up but your shoe stays put, you know? But after a while, and a few near falls and a couple nearly lost shoes, I made it next to my horse. I gave him a pat and put part of the rope over his neck, just to let him know what was coming. He looked at me, and then lifted his head up, and it was then that I noticed his ears flat against his head. This is a bad, bad sign. Sort of the 'baring teeth' of the dog world, or the hiss of a cat. I knew he was going to do something but before I could even form the thought of what that might be, he clamped his mighty teeth down on my ear. OUCH! I gasped and put my elbow up to get him to back off, which he proceeded to bite. Then I said "NO" firmly and he backed off, and there I stood, completely stunned. I had no idea how bad the damage was to my ear, so I put my hand up to it. There was indeed blood, but the ear itself was all there.

I was stunned. I really didn't know what to do. I stood there for a minute, and then my instructor saw me and came out to get us. She hadn't meant for me to go get him, she meant for her husband to have brought him in, and she was most apologetic. She was just really nice about it. But I didn't want her to feel too badly about it. It wasn't like I wasn't in some way responsible, at least in hindsight. I did a fool stupid thing, and should have waited for help. And now, I am admittedly a little afraid of him! I'd never actually been afraid of him before. We did proceed with the lesson, and I had a great ride, and I'm so glad for that, because if we hadn't it would have fed into my fears and reinforced him. But wow...when you really think about it, it's pretty damned hazardous. but this is what you do when you work with horses.

Another thing about it that amazes me, is his precision. It wasn't like he was just looking to bite me and happened to catch my ear. He went for my ear and bit it on purpose. I cannot figure out how an animal so massive, with such a huge blind spot, could be so dead on accurate. I should take a picture of it, so you can see.

Ironically, or something like that, I'd just gotten my haircut that morning. So unbeknownst to me, I'd made my ear particularly accessible. Drat!

Anyway, that's my funny story. And it really is funny. You can't say that a horse bit you on your ear and remain completely serious.

Well, tomorrow I weigh in, and I'll post here, just like in the beginning. Now, how much can I lose in 24 hours?

I dismember that...

Hey Amigos,

Remember back when I used to post how much I lost every week? That was fun. Why haven't I posted anything recently? Because I've been screwing around with the same, oh, 8 pounds for, oh, 6 months now.

Not to worry, reader, I'm not throwing in the towel, no way, no how. Actually, I've stepped up my meeting attendance to 2 meetings per week. My usual Thursday night meeting with my leader who I swear is an angel sent straight from heaven (hello? Raising Arizona??), and I've added a Saturday morning meeting with another fanstastic leader. This woman is a star, I swear. The place is packed because of her, and she's just got it together. She says all the right things and really is just genuinely, wholeheartedly enthused. AND she's a 35 year member.

So, I have stepped up that effort. And I've started writing about what the heck is holding me back and what I stand to lose. I'm doing more journaling. And I'm paying very close attention to subtle changes that could spell big trouble.

I have had a couple scary things happen in the past month or so that put the fear of God in me. One thing was me removing what I planned to wear to work and replacing it with something more comfortable (aka: roomy). Not good. Also, I've been relying more on wearing tennis shoes. That may not seem related to my weight, but it is, in ways I can't explain. Both of these things are "Fat me" behaviors, and they cause me to stop and think about just what the heck it is I'm doing.

Just so much going on in my brain regarding weight loss and my whole life. But I do feel like it's sorting itself out. I'm not necessarily in complete control right now, but my awareness is running high. Make sense? It's almost like the pieces are slowly going back into place. Maybe the whole pattern changed, and the pieces got jumbled, and now I'm putting them back in their new places. Honestly, that's what it feels like! I need to change the way I look at the world.

Anyway, don't worry about me. Actually, how about this. I'm going to start posting losses soon, I'm sure of it. And I'm going to start my count over.

So when I post my next loss, we're starting at pound 1. I've already lost 100, that's over and done and floating somewhere in the atmosphere. What I need to lose now is an additional 80. Now don't go giving me any grief about how that's too much and whatnot. You all have no idea how much I weighed when I started. If I were a braver person, more self-assured, I'd tell you. But I just can't tell you. What I can tell you is that I really, truly and medically need to lose 80 pounds. I can do it.

OK, another random rambling post. I'm writing over my lunch hour and am a bit rushed for time. Here's to new beginnings.

Plans to make

Hey Amigos,

And again, I've been woefully silent for a couple weeks. Or has it been 3? Don't worry, nothing catastrophic. I haven't ballooned up to Nell Carter size or anything like that. Just incredibly busy with things that would make for very boring blog posts.

I had a session with my therapist yesterday and we did some deep discussion about my weight loss journey. I guess at this point you could say I'm struggling a bit. I keep gaining and losing the same 4 or 5 pounds. I know darned good and well why, but what I don't know is why I'm exhibiting those behaviors.

So after some discussion J and I came up with a game plan. I'll write about it here when I have it all figure out. Not ready to commit anything just yet. but trust me, it's a good plan, and I think it's going to work. No, I KNOW it's going to work.

So, don't worry about me or any of that jazz. I'm alive and well, just trying to wrap my mind around a few things and get my act together.

Adios, will post when my plan is in place!

WI Day

Hey Amigos,

Another weigh in day, another week of not so great eating. I started out all wrong (a trip to Outpost, the beginning of the end) and never quite got my mojo back. I talked about it extensively with my therapist, which helped. We've been comparing it to a marathon, and right now I'm in the middle of it, the suckiest part. Not fresh out of the gate like at the beginning, but not close enough to the end to see the finish line.

This is the hard part, this is the endurance. But, I have faith that if I continue going to my meetings, it will all come together.

So, that's where I'm at. Not much of a post, admittedly, but it's not fun to talk about either! I'll report in soon. I'm not holding out for a loss tonight at all, but that's OK with me. I've started a new day today.

Trackin', like the doo-dah man

Hey Amigos,

Just had to tell you, I took on a little challenge with my dear friend, co-worker and WW buddy D. We found that we both have stalled. I weigh now what I weighed at the beginning of summer. If I were in maintenance, then bully for me. But maintenance is NOT where I am, so I had to get cracking here. I can't afford to be on WW my entire life (in the literal and figurative senses of the word).

So D and I have made a commitment to tracking. I'm tracking everything, so is he, and then we're emailing our daily reports to each other the next morning.

They're not joking when they say, tracking = weight loss. I stopped tracking consistently probably around when I went on vacation, and in that time I've probably put on 5 or 6 pounds. NOT GOOD. So as of Sunday, I've tracked everything. Now, I don't know if that will translate into a weight loss when I weigh in tomorrow, because I had a doozy of a binge between Thursday and Friday. It was someone's last day here, and there was a lengthy celebration with tons of sweets, and she had brought in donuts, which I never eat, but my donut demon came out of the dark and that was that. So I had some major, I mean MAJOR making up to do. So I may or may not post a loss tomorrow (most likely not), and I'll live with that.

The fact of the matter is, I'm tracking again, and the process reminds me how very important it is. Probably the thing I notice most of all is that I really put a lot more thought into what I'm eating. I remind myself that whatever I eat has a number, and I have to write that number down and I have to be held accountable for it. It just makes me stop and think, which is a big part of eating right.

Another motivator for me is that I really want to be able to tell you, my amigos, that I've got losses coming. I've had a few, but I erased them. Essentially the summer was a wash, and I need to make up for that.

I told my friend D, it's as if we are having a renaissance, almost like we've discovered the program all over again.

On another note, I feel really sad about the loss of Ted Kennedy. Of course, I feel a bit conflicted, given his past. But his influence is undeniable, and we probably won't see the likes of him again. A sad day indeed.

OK, that's enough out of me. Just wanted to tell you what I'm doing, and hopefully I'll be able to start giving you NUMBERS, baby, NUMBERS.

For cryin' out glavin!

Argh. I knew I was going to gain weight this week. I wasn't even surprised at the number on the scale. Know what pisses me off? The fact that I'm 7 pounds heavier than I was at the end of June! I've lost in there, but I've also gained, and the gains are winning. Drat! Drat drat drat!

Know what though? I'm glad I looked at my weight tracker. It's one thing to look at each individual week, but when you see something that has affected you for the last month and a half, it's a bit more...persuasive!

So, I've broken a promise to myself, to not fall back under 100 lbs lost. Poop. Am I defeated? No. Just pissed. Being pissed is a great motivator. Maybe I'll make myself too angry to eat.

I've found a couple new addictions. These aren't too bad, along the lines of caramel flavored rice cakes and Skinny Cow ice cream. I had my first taste of a Famous Dave's pickle. No, I wasn't at Famous Dave's. Not interested, thank you very much. I was at Sam's Club of all places, and it was 'sample day' and the pickle seemed like a safe bet. They're fabulous. They're like bread and butter pickles with a little kick. I tried to buy a jar there, but, being Sam's, I couldn't actually only buy one, I would have had to buy six. No lie. Considering the only other products they had were barbecue sauces and meaty things, I wasn't interested in anything other than pickles, and I wasn't going to buy six jars of pickles. So I picked a jar up while grocery shopping yesterday.

Unfortunately, after I opened them and started eating them, I looked at the ingredients, and the second ingredient is high fructose corn syrup. Before vinegar even. But, pickles are a good snack, and when I'm finished with this jar I'll just find another bread and butter pickle with better ingredients and add my own spices.

My other good addiction is olives. The best thing about them is that it's hard to OD on them. I love them, and can eat a lot of them, but even for me I find them satisfying in a relatively short time.

So, anyway...your slightly pudgier angry friend is recommitting and getting this flipping weight off. For God's sake, I don't want summer to be a complete wash!!!

Challenges!

Hey Amigos,

Margin Walker checked out for a few weeks here, apologies all around. There are some major changes going on at my job and I have been tied up nearly every minute of every day. So, when I do have some free time, I have to decompress for several hours.

My eating has been lousy for the past week. It all started with my birthday, which happened to be the first day of the state fair. So, I was at the fair all day, ate all day, then got home and ate some more. Then I had a party at a friend's house. It's not even like I ate that much when I was there, it's that I continued to eat when I got home.

Then the next day was my work picnic. It really doesn't help that I work with some of the best cooks and bakers in town. And, I made a kick-ass dish myself, rhubarb dream bars (they were gone in a nanosecond after I set them down). Then, that evening, I went to dinner with my sis and mom to celebrate my birthday.

That was Sunday. So you'd think that would be the end and I'd pick up where I left off. But that's not what happened. There was a luncheon Wednesday. And the fact that a coworker brought in brownies on Monday. Then I had plans this Thursday to attend the fair again. See, my mom and sis and I always pick a day during the week to go. So I knew all week I had another visit to the fair in the works. I know that shouldn't have made a difference, but it messed with me. It made it hard for me to take my eating seriously.

I know that's messed up.

I have to weigh in tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but i have to do it. I find myself beginning to talk myself out of attending at all, and that is so scary. I've already pushed it from Thursday until tomorrow. In my defense, I didn't have much choice. I always attend Thursday evenings. Well, this Thursday I was back at the fair. My mom and sis and I went early and were home by 3:30; then I and 3 friends went back (it was a totally different experience, on many levels!). There was no time for me to go, not without messing up some plans.

So I'm going tomorrow, which is the 11th hour in WW world (points reset on Sunday). Honestly, I don't want to go. I wish I could just live my life and have none of this be an issue. But it doesn't work that way. And if I don't go tomorrow, I will have broken my one promise to myself, and I absolutely flat-out refuse to do that. So, I'll go, and step on the scale, and I'll see the toll that a week of free falling has on my weight. Maybe I can be a cautionary tale. "This is what happens when you eat a cream puff, deep fried snickers, deep fried PB and J, pancakes, apple sundae, blue moon ice cream, pizza, cherry float, corn on the cob, cheese curds, etc. in the course of a week."

I'm not happy about this week, but I do have to admit that the temptations were beyond extraordinary. I mean, come ON.

I hope to gain some inspiration from my meeting. I'm going at 7:00 am. Then I'm taking my friend who is in town from New York out to breakfast. It's a long standing tradition.

I believe this to be my last commitment involving food for a couple weeks. Harder than Christmas, I tell ya.