Mark my words

Hey Amigos,

Confession time. Weight Watchers, brilliant marketers that they are, marked their one point bars down from $7.50 to $5.00. If I were in a grocery store, this is the type of thing I would NEVER buy. Never.

But somehow, in my WW meeting, I felt trapped in some vortex where $5.00 is a great bargain (thank GOD they don't sell things like bridges in New York and long term care insurance). Before I knew what was happening (and that's almost the straight truth...I was a woman possessed) I had 2 boxes in my backpack, one chocolate peanut butter and one chocolate mint. They're little bars, 1 point each.

Do I really need to tell you what happened? Really?

If you were thinking that it took me approximately 24 hours to finish both boxes, you'd be right. 24 mini bars, 24 hours. Of course I wasn't eating them every hour. I'd eat one, then a little while later another. Then I'd freeze them and have those. Then I'd have three at a time.

See, the trouble is (and any fellow food addicts can back me up on this one) if a trigger food is in my house, I'm almost completely powerless against it. I can hear my dad now talking about willpower and sucking it up etc., and my mom saying "Just don't eat it" and my sister saying both. I've tried. If it's there, I will eat it. Sad but true.

So we come to another weigh in day and I'm filled with trepidation. I've probably gained this week. Mostly because I ate too many points (I know this to be true because in spite of the embarassing quality of my binging, I DID record it all) and only got exercise 2 days this week.

In some of this weight loss stuff are definites. Things that can't be changed. Or, maybe they could be, but I'm so busy focusing on everything else in my life that I choose not to change them. Like my trigger foods. I simply cannot have them in my house. Absolutely positively not. And the thing is, if I stick to that rule, I'm fine. And sticking to it is easier than you think, once I've identified the problem. Another thing is, I know the exercise that suits me best. It's walking. And I don't mean walking indoors to one of those Leslie Sansone videos (even though she is pretty good and you get a good work out) or a treadmill. I mean walking and actually getting somewhere. It's something I like to do and something I know I will do and it's not a chore and I always seem to find time to do it (except when it's hotter than Hades as it is right now). It's also something I can do with my dog. I've tried other aerobic activity, and the only one that ever stuck, that I never got bored with, that I always did, was walking.

Those are my definites. Maybe some day, way in the future, I'll be ready to change them, but they're both good, positive things, so I'm not going to beat myself up for having what others may see as 'restrictions.' I see it as playing to my strengths.

It's amazing, but I feel better than I did when I started writing this post. Maybe it's the fact that I've made another promise to myself. I tend not to break promises to myself. I never promise myself anything unreasonable, but there are several promises that I keep. If I don't I'm actually disappointed in myself.

It's as if I made a promise to someone else and didn't keep it, but I'm both people, feeling bad for having a promise made to me broken, and for actually being the one breaking that promise.

A couple of the promises I've made to myself over the years

*make my bed every day
*always be in the process of reading something (currently I'm reading The Black Echo by Michael Connelly, never read anything by him before; great literature it ain't, but it's a good mystery)
*eat breakfast every day
*bring lunch to work during the week
*always clean the litter boxes at the minimum once daily
*ALWAYS ATTEND A WEIGHT WATCHERS MEETING

That last one is a biggie (hence the caps). The one promise I made when I started the program. I've told you about that before. I didn't promise myself I'd lose weight. I didn't promise myself anything other than I can bring myself to one lousy half hour meeting every week.

So now I've got another big promise to add. And putting it here makes me all the more accountable.

I will never buy another box of WW one point bars. I'm making a clean break. I wish them well and all the success in the world, but they can't be a part of my life.

Time to move on.

Take that, Take 5!

No, it's not really Take 5's fault...I'm not being fair. It's the fault of the powers that be who decide what goes into the vending machines around here!

No, it's not really their fault either. The fault lays on these chubby shoulders.

I powered through my food today and finished everything I brought before 2:00. That makes for one long afternoon. I got so hungry I couldn't take it and went into the lounge where the vending machine is.

Alas, that wasn't my first mistake. You know what was my first mistake? Grabbing two dollars out of my wallet instead of one. I know darn good and well that most things in there are under a dollar. So...did I think I'd lose a dollar during the short walk to the break room? Or that I'd somehow have an occasion to spend a dollar in the few seconds it takes me to get to and from the vending machine?

We know the answer. I brought 2 dollars because I wanted 2 things. What, I didn't know. I so rarely use the vending machine here that I can never predict what they're going to have.

So I get in there and I see, thankfully, a small bag of regular old pretzels. Hanover pretzels, 3 points for the whole bag. I got them.

I should have turned away then. But it was too late. I saw it. I saw the Take 5.

I love Take 5. Take 5 starts with a pretzel. Then they add caramel, and peanut butter, and peanuts, and they cover it in chocolate. And they do it so well. All of the ingredients in perfect harmony with each other.

The first time I had a Take 5 was in New York City. They were new and reps were handing them out. I assume they were reps at least...

I'm not big on candy bars. I like certain ones, but could live without them. But seeing that Take 5 today, and knowing the taste explosion held within its red wrapper, I caved.

Having a Take 5 isn't going to derail me. It's not going to make me put back on 103 pounds. Actually, points wise, I could probably even afford it because I have barely touched my weekly points allowance.

I know it's not the end of the world.

But, it still makes me sad, because that's the sort of thinking that got me into the sorry situation I was a year and a half ago, and that I'd been struggling with for half of my life up to that point. I want it, so I eat it.

I hate knowing that lack of control is so close to the surface. It's damn scary.

I'd never say anyone who is addicted has it easy, but the whole eating thing has a different dimension that other addictions don't. A recovering alcoholic makes a commitment not to drink alcohol. A recovering drug addict makes a commitment not to use drugs. A recovering gambler makes a commitment not to gamble. A recovering food addict makes a commitment to choose the right food for every meal, every day, for the rest of their life. To abstain from unhealthy eating. Eating is a vital function, if we stop all together, we die. So every time I get hungry, every time I have a meal, every day, all day, I have to choose. And I can't just say no, I can't just not eat. I have to say yes to some things, and no to others. Each moment dealing with food is a choice.

It messes with you, I tell ya.

So, how many weight watchers points in a Take 5? Just guess.

5!!

She's back!

Oh, my amigos, I'm so sorry for my lengthy silence. I've been very occupied with various things. Yes, I know we're all busy, and I have a lot nerve using that as an excuse and I should be ashamed of myself for even saying it. But would you rather I post crappy things in multitude, as opposed to wonderful things occasionally? Well?

Of course, that makes it sound like this will be a wonderful post, and I can't promise that. Just let me say that I was away too long and I hope my reader has stuck around.

Right now I'm blogging at home. I woke up this morning like normal. Then things started to get a little ooky. When I realized that I was probably going to hurl, I sent an email to my boss and coworkers letting them know I'd be staying at home.

And what happened subsequently?

I didn't hurl. And now I'm sort of pissed because I used up a sick day. I never call in sick. I had a streak of 6 years with no sick days, then a subsequent streak of 5 years. I was knocked flat by a stomach virus in October, so that blew (literally) 2008. And now, I've blown 2009. I know that's kind of silly. But here I was today, sort of feeling icky, but probably workable. I guess I just didn't want to go to work worried that I was going to blow chunks. Better safe than sorry. But I am disappointed in myself.

There's been a lot of things going down, but I don't really know what I want to blog about today.

I did have sort of a stalled moment in my weight loss. I finally decided that I needed to recommit. I just became complacent and wasn't seeing a lot of loss. I was seeing a small loss, small gain, small loss... And when I looked at the graph that WW has set up, it was so obvious that I was stalling. I expect some of that, but the thing with this was, I was stalling, and I know that I was slacking off.

Here's how I slacked off:

1. I didn't track my food.
2. I wasn't exercising as much as I should have.
3. I wasn't measuring.
4. I was 'treating' myself too often, and not being really serious about acknowledging that (see number 1)

Here's how I remained committed:

1. I still went to my meeting.

I still kept up with the one promise I made myself. I can keep one lousy promise. And as I said when I joined, the only thing I absolutely committed to do, the one thing I'd never give up on, is going to the meetings. And sure enough, I got my mojo back. Something so funny, at our meeting two weeks ago, the topic was motivation. And I attended that meeting with a coworker who was in the same boat I was, and we sat next to my WW buddy who was in the same boat as us. When the meeting was over we just looked at each other and we all agreed it was fate. We were all touched by the topic and we were all willing to recommit. It was really awesome.

So, I recommitted, and the next week (last week) I lost .8 lbs. Then, this week, when I really hunkered down and applied myself, I lost 3 pounds. Wow!!!! So, amigos, I've lost 103 pounds! I'm firmly ensconced in the 100s now. Now I can make myself a new promise, so I'll have 2 promises that I will always keep.

I will always go to my meetings, and I will not let myself drift back below the 100s. Even if I didn't lose another pound after today (God forbid!), I would be happy because I am in such a better place that it hardly feels real.

Sort of makes sense, though, doesn't it? Even though I didn't plan it that way. I have one promise that got me to lose 100 pounds, and a second that will keep me there. Now I need to start focusing on a goal. THE goal. Not quite ready to commit to that, mostly because I haven't decided what it's going to be!!! I do know one thing. I know I'm going to get there.

One Hundred Pounds...

Alright amigos, you knew it was coming, you could sense the magic.

OK, in actuality seeing as I've already mentioned this to my reader and my other reader, it may not be news. And seeing as I called about 5 people and texted that many more, that may also make it not be news. But I don't know if I'll ever tire of actually saying it.

I've lost one hundred pounds. 100 pounds. 100 lbs. One hundred lbs.

I have lost one hundred pounds by following the Weight Watchers plan.

I honestly didn't think I would be this overwhelmed by it. I was at 96.8 last week, lost 3.2 this week (actually, it probably didn't work that way...I stayed the exact same the week before and sometimes I just think my body messes with me for kicks), and I was there.

There was all sorts of hoopla and such. I got a certificate of accomplishment (and if you think I'm not framing that sucker, well, you've got some nerve mister), a 100 pound charm for my keychain (it doesn't weigh 100 pounds, it just SAYS 100 pounds), a contraband WW "I Lost 100 Pounds" refrigerator magnet, and a sticker for my WW bookmark. The class applauded me, and asked me how I did it and I shared a bit of my story.

I'm not going to write much about it here, not right now. I just wanted to put it out there. I honestly wanted to roll all my windows down in my car and scream it to passersby. It's an amazing feeling.

Thanks for being with me for the ride. Which, I must say, has been awesome. I haven't settled on a final goal, and I'm not ready to do it yet. I'd say in order for me to be pretty comfy I'd like to lose maybe 60 more pounds.

60 pounds? I can do that.

Hitting my stride

I think I've hit a stride here amigos. Or something. I'm not sure. I haven't been struggling weight loss wise, per se. I lost this week and I'm currently at my lowest weight.

I think I've maybe hit the real endurance part of my weight loss journey. My therapist has a wonderful analogy that he uses often. He compares it to a marathon run. If you look at all 26 miles right at the start, you'll never finish. You can start out quickly but inevitably you hit rough patches. Then there's the middle part where you just maintain your pace, not too fast, not too slow. This is probably the hardest part of a marathon. Not that I've run one. But I do understand it. I've watched them on television. His descriptions make sense.

That's sort of how I feel about where I'm at weight loss wise. I'm losing, but slowly. I'm essentially mid-journey. I do believe that this is probably where Weight Watchers loses a lot of people.

I've made a promise to myself that this is not going to defeat me. I'm just going to keep going. I'm never, ever going back to where I was. Never. I've been working at this for far too long. 14 months and counting.

I'm doing and feeling things that I haven't done or felt in forever. First of all, I'm coming to grips with the fact that many of my clothes are too big for me. They don't just look big. Some of them look downright ridiculous. My jean jacket, for instance. I still wear it, because I'm cheap and don't want to buy another. But I'm swimming in it. I have copious pairs of underwear that are just too dang big. I've dropped another pant size. One of my favorite shirts, a damned expensive one I bought as a treat for myself last year, looks like a maternity top. I love that top. Can't wear it. My brassieres are just all over the place. I'm using the first row of hooks. Completely new to me.

I've also begun my life's dream. I started riding lessons. I had my first lesson on Saturday and it was better than I could have imagined. And my weight didn't enter in to any of it. It was a non-issue.

I've planned a trip to Great America. I haven't been to Great America since I endured the humiliation of having to get off a ride because I was too big. Yes amigos, that happened to me. You've never...I can't explain how that felt. You never want to feel that bad friends. You just never do. But I know that when I go this time, I'll be able to go on whatever I please. I haven't been to Great America in 7 years because of that last incident. And after that, I didn't care enough to change things in my life, I just resigned myself to the fact that I'd never go again.

I'm sort of wandering all over the place with this post, but in a way it's kind of how I've been feeling. I'm in the middle of this journey and I'm sort of looking at things from five thousand directions and trying to take it all in, and it's pretty hard to describe.

I just had an idea. I think I'm going to list what's changed in my life in the last 14 months.

-I'm thisclose to being able to shop for clothes that aren't in the Plus Size or Women's section of stores.

-I'm wearing size 16 pants. They're size 16W, but they're still size 16. 14 months ago I was wearing size 26.

-I've lowered my cholesterol 28 points. It is now at 191.

-I haven't had fast food of any kind, and I don't miss it. Here's a short list of what I haven't eaten in 14 months (things I used to eat regularly): Taco Bell, Culver's, Arby's, KFC, Burger King, Krispy Kreme, Steak n Shake, Sentry deli, bread pudding, frozen pizza, ice cream, tater tots, elephant ears, Sentry cut out cookies, peanut m and ms, Jimmy Johns, Oscars, Kopp's, Pick n Save baked goods, gigantic muffins, normal sized muffins, potato chips, full-fat popcorn, ultra mega-fat movie popcorn,

Do I miss this stuff? Just ask me. Go ahead, ask me. I'll wait.

Well, since you asked, no, I don't. I don't miss these things. I've found that I can easily live in this world without them.

-I've ridden a horse. I haven't ridden a horse in 17 or 18 years. I didn't dare. I wasn't in good enough shape, I was just too heavy. But this past weekend, I didn't just ride the horse. During my ground work (which I love), I RAN with the horse. The object was to get him up to a trot, and then stop. Well, you probably already know this, but horses cover a lot of ground. I had to essentially go almost top speed just to get him up to a trot! But I did it. And I didn't feel like I was going to die either. And I can't tell you the feeling it gave me, to have this beautiful horse running along side me. It was sublime. 14 months ago? Never would have happened.

-I can cross my legs.

-I can go up the stairs without thinking I'm going to die, and without my knees crying out for mercy.

-I'm buying clothes off the rack, as opposed to ordering them from catalogs. And I'm buying things because I like them, not because they happen to fit.

-I can walk into a department store and not feel ridiculous.

-My weight doesn't draw attention to me.

-I have short hair. I didn't realize how much I was letting my hair cover me up. It was just a way to disguise myself. I think I always knew that shorter hair looked better on me. For years I said that I was letting it grow because I was excited that it was coming in curly. Part of that is true. I love having curly hair. But the look now is the look I think I'm supposed to have. It feels right.

-I'm a full on fruit fanatic. I always prefer fruit over vegetables, but I have a core group of vegetables that I love too. I'm a produce nut, plain and simple.

-I'm more comfortable in my body.

-I don't dread restaurant booths, plane seats, amusement park rides, or my mother's sofa (she used to chide me about sitting on it because you could hear the springs; I'm not entirely sure what that means and why it's bad, but it's a non-issue)

-My dogs are in better shape. My literal dogs, not my feet. Although my feet are in pretty good shape too.

-I think I'm having a positive effect on others; I didn't intend this, but it just happens. If what I'm doing helps someone else lose weight, that's a reward you just can't quantify.

-I'm more active and I want to do things. I want to go out with my friends. I want to go see live bands.

-Not sure how this all comes into it, but my house is in better shape than it's ever been. I'm a better housekeeper! My house is nearly presentable at all times, no more dishes in the sink, no more newspapers lying around, or unmade bed. And it's become habit. I like living that way.

-Call me crazy, but my car gets better mileage. No lie.

-I'm a better cook.

-I've kept my promise to myself, to never miss a meeting. Even over the holidays, even when I knew I had a gain, I still went. The couple of times my meetings were closed because of the holidays, I just went on a different day.

I remember the day I joined Weight Watchers. I was resistant, but I also knew I was in desperate need of help. So I figured, if nothing more, I would go to the meetings. Come hell or high water, going to the meetings was the least I could do. And there was a part of me that said that even if it didn't work, if I continued to go to the meetings, it eventually might work. Well, I went, and it worked. And continues to work.

This list could probably go on and on. There almost isn't any aspect of my life that hasn't changed somehow, due to my weight loss. So, it's a work in progress, just as I am a work in progress.

Thanks for sticking around for the ride. And I hope you stay with me while I begin my second year as a weight watcher. There are a couple big things coming up you won't want to miss! I haven't mentioned numbers lately, but there's a biggie around the corner that I'll shout from the mountaintops when I reach it. I'll also blog about it. You can probably guess what it is (if I haven't actually already told you) but I don't want to jinx it by writing it here. So, just keep watching. It'll happen soon enough.

Now I'm off to do more life evaluation! And maybe some other stuff.

Tracking and things

Hey Amigos,

I figure I'd better blog about something or I may lose my faithful reader. So here I am! Happy?

It's been an interesting few weeks. My mom had her hip replaced 2 weeks ago. She was in the hospital for 5 days, and is now in transitional care and will stay there til next week, probably Wednesday. I'm responsible for getting her mail, taking care of her house and cat, etc. My brothers don't do it because my mom doesn't trust them to have access to her house when she's not there (and no, my brothers aren't adolescents; they're both in their 50s). My sister can only do some of it because she's allergic to cats.

I'm not complaining, it just makes for a busy couple of weeks, because I usually go and get her mail and bring it to her at the rehab facility on a daily basis, and it's not exactly around the corner. It's not incredibly far either, but it's a trip.

So I've been busy doing that. I also caught a cold. I rarely get sick, but I think this is the third illness I've had in a year or so (I'll have to go back and look at some of my blog postings, because I remember blogging about a cold that I had; and I certainly have not forgotten that stomach blow out thing I had in October which was newsworthy). Normally I'm as healthy as can be, never really get sick. And I'm surprised I'm saying this, but I almost feel like maybe I should have stayed home for a day or two during this cold. I didn't, though, because I have a ton of stuff to do here.

The weight loss is plugging along. I think I could officially say I've hit a plateau. Right now I'm .4 lbs heavier than I was 1 month ago. I've had losses in there, but I've had gains too. So, yeah, it's plateau time for me.

But, I know exactly why I'm on this plateau. It's completely 100% my own doing. This isn't a mystery. I haven't been tracking for about the last 2 weeks. Why? Because I've been eating things I shouldn't. As if not tracking them makes them not matter. You know, you can get away with that for a little while, but sooner or later it catches up with you. And that's where I'm at right now.

But, by some strange twist of fate, yesterday's meeting topic was TRACKING. Why it's important, why we do it, why we don't do it, reasons to do it. Tracking = weight loss. There's just no two ways about it. I think maybe I thought I could handle not tracking. I think I was a little cocky and thought that I could track in my head.

I will never again let myself reach that level of complacency. This is a battle for my life amigos. I can't be so flippant about it. I can't come as far as I have and then decide I can make my own rules. I'm NOT going back where I was.

I really and truly feel energized. I needed yesterday's meeting more than I've ever needed a WW meeting in my life, because this was the longest I'd ever gone without tracking, and look where it got me? I needed to hear what was said.

So, I'm going to continually, daily, ask myself "Do I want to track today?" And I will faithfully answer myself "If I want to lose weight I do."

I'm actually glad I came on here to blog amigos. This is good. I'm committing to these decisions. I'm taking control back. Isn't that funny? You think you're in control so you don't track, but really it's tracking that keeps you in control.

On another topic, tomorrow is my first riding lesson. I'm excited and apprehensive. We're going to go over ground work, saddling and proper seat. I do not yet know what style I'll be doing, English or western. I've only ever ridden western, and it's fine, but I'm intrigued by English and it seems to me that you're actually more involved with the horse when riding English. Less saddle and equipment, less between you and the horse.

And, as I write this, excitement has overtaken apprehension. :) Can hardly wait!

Well, I'll sign off. Good to be back amigos! Good to be recommitting, good to be picking up my journey where I left off.

Good for me!

I should leave the room when commercials come on...

A recent commercial just irks me.

There's some new vitamin formula out there, from one a day, made specifically for teens. Not just teens in general, there are separate formulas for girl teens and boys teens. The commercial says:

Complete Multivitamins for Teen Boys & Girls to Support:*

Healthy muscle function (for Him)
Healthy skin (for Her)

So, I guess girls' muscles don't need to function healthily, and boys' skin is healthy enough that they don't need vitamins to support it.

Honestly, WTF?

I'm not anti-vitamin. I take a multivitamin and a calcium supplement with vitamin D, both suggested to me by my doctor, a decision reinforced by my own research. And of course I'd never deny that there are some vitamins and minerals that are more beneficial to either sex.

But I also think our culture is a bit vitamin crazy. From what I've read, the body can only use so much of the vitamins in supplements, that after a certain point they become useless and our body just dumps the excess. To paraphrase from the book "Eat, Drink and Be Healthy," people in the United States have the healthiest urine in the world.

I really am so annoyed with this junk. I just find it sad that in this day and age these stereotypes are still being reinforced, and about things that are so basic and important. All kids want their skin to be healthy, whether they say it or not. Boy or girl, zits are no fun. Guys should not have to worry that they actually care about their skin, and girls shouldn't worry if they're interested in their damned muscle function.

Oh, I don't know what I'm saying. It's just a ridiculous thing. Honestly, how far is it from the old "My wife...I think I'll keep her!" that I saw when I was a kid?

What gets me more is that most people won't notice, or care. And on and on it goes.