My First Workout

First of all, just so you know, I tend to write posts on my lunch hour. I should do it at home I realize, but I never go anywhere for lunch and usually sit at my desk doing crosswords or sudoku. I might as well be blogging.

The first workout went really well. I got there late, which turns out to be a great time to go. There just weren't that many people there. I did about 30 minutes on a treadmill and then went to the weights. I'm actually not all that sore today. So, anyway, it's boring to talk about it. To sum it up, I enjoyed myself and will be going back tonight (late again).

I also did end up grocery shopping yesterday and restocked my fridge with normal food. So, here I go for the millionth time, trying to eat right. The thing is, I have to try. I don't care how many times I have to do it, or if I die trying. It's if I don't try that I'll be in trouble. If I don't try then I've given up hope, and I can't let that happen.

I watched a show on Discovery (I think? Some cable channel) called "I Eat 30,000 Calories a Day." With a name like that how am I NOT going to watch? It was very sad. The thing is, there was a woman on there who was just like me. I am classified morbidly obese (just ask my doctor, he'd tell you so if it weren't gigantically unethical), and I saw this woman and thought to myself that she looked remarkably like me. 3 of the folks on the show were housebound, this woman was not. And of course neither am I. I'm not saying I'm just like her. But I'm wondering how close I am to that kind of life? The other people they had on there, the housebound ones, were 600 and 700 or so pounds, and I'm not near there. I wondered what, if anything, will keep me from getting like that. My family and friends are not enablers, like the families of some of the people on television (the day that someone from my family or a friend would fry me up a couple of chickens and serve them to me in bed is the day hell will freeze over). I'd like to think that I won't end up like that. But I bet they didn't think they'd end up like that either.

I don't know the solution. I just know that I have to try, no matter what. If I learned anything from Overeaters Anonymous, it's to look at this one day at a time. Just get through today.

I just couldn't get into OA as a whole. There was the whole bit of the sponsor, and calling people every day to check in. That's just not my style. I was supposed to call people, strangers, and discuss my progress. Contrary to my demeanor, I'm a pretty private person, and as a rule I like to be left alone. Also, I don't like the phone. I need support (which is why I'm going to join weight watchers, when I'm ready), I just can't do it the 12 step way. At least not now. Maybe some day.

The other thing is that people would be at the OA meetings because they were addicts, not necessarily because they were overeaters. Bless them, they need the help and they should go to as many meetings of as many 12 step groups as they want to. But that doesn't work for me.

So, I'm going back to the gym tonight and will do the same thing I did yesterday. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not dreading it.

So, is this like a journal here? I think I prefer this to my other ways of journalling, you know, handwriting stuff. And at least my mom won't read this one (she's just not too savvy, so if I don't tell her about it, she'll never know it's out here). Oh, that's a true story by the way, reading my diary. I got a couple of diaries when I was a kid, as gifts over the years. You know the ones with the little key. She read them all. I'd hide them, she'd find them and read them. And not only would she read them, she'd make me go back and change things in them (my mother the revisionist historian). And one time I actually got completely bawled out by her for writing about drinking in my diary. That was the last time I ever kept a journal while living under my parents' roof. I took it and tore it up right in her face and threw it in the garbage. I was an angry woman at the time (all of 15, probably). Mom and I had some very rough times back then.

Anyway, I digress. Actually, I don't really have much interesting to say so until something strikes me I'll act like a priest and get the hell out of here.