Show me the numbers!

Isn't that what Jerry Lewis used to say when they'd reveal the current total for the MD telethon? Well, I've got a new number for you.

Down 45.4 as of last night! Feeling pretty good too. This feels like quite an accomplishment, moreso than usual. Hitting 45 seems more significant to me than any other number I've surpassed so far. And just think, I'm less than 5 pounds away from 50!

On the flip side (and I'm trying VERY hard not to dwell), I've got a longass haul in front of me.

Also, as I lose more weight, I'm becoming more uneasy about people knowing exactly how much I weighed when I started. I mean, I'm thinking they can take a pretty darned good guess.

To be sure, I carry my weight quite well. Even my doctor couldn't believe my weight when I stepped on the scale. I assure you, I weigh more than you think I do.

So the more I lose, and the more I tell people, the more they'll start thinking "Jeez, she must have been enormous" and that sort of makes me self-conscious. Actually, losing weight kind of makes me self-conscious to begin with. People start noticing and mentioning it, and that's a double edged sword. Happy for the encouragement, not happy for the attention. Ah, it's a strange thing, being heavy. You hate it, but it's a security blanket. As the layers come away you get more vulnerable.

So, as of yesterday I've been on the program 4 1/2 months. I'm losing on average 2.6 pounds a week. When I put it in those terms it seems pretty darned rapid! But it's still an acceptable range, and when you're as big as I am it sort of flies off in the beginning.

I can do this. I feel good about all of it. I don't feel deprived, I still treat myself occasionally. I'm moving more. Yeah, all in all things are good.

Monday, yeah

Hey Amigos,

And another too fast weekend is over. Do I say that every week?

Saturday I staffed the adoption center for 4 hours. It was extremely busy and I had tons of volunteers, but I have to tell you it was the longest 4 hours ever. Then I stayed after awaiting a delivery from Sears which never showed up. Oh, wait, I take that back. They showed up at 6:30 p.m., and called our director to yell at her that there was no one there. She politely reminded him that our delivery time (which was originally from noon to 2) was from 3 to 5, and that we (meaning me) had called to reschedule. So they were yelling at us for not being there, when they arrived an hour and a half late (with no call or any type of communication). It was great.

ANYway, it was quite a weekend.

Yesterday I did all sorts of junk around the house. Just piddly stuff but I managed to tidy everything up. Then I met Therese at the club and we went swimming. After about 20 minutes we were the only people in the entire pool area. So then we just started goofing around about how it was our pool (with a lap pool conveniently located right next door, because there are 2 pools there) and whirlpool, and it was generally quite fun. I got in a good workout too. Honestly, having that membership is worth it just for the fact that I can go swimmng whenever I want.

Then after that I ran home and heard from my mother so we went out to dinner. I had an interesting, if not very good, salad. It was some raspberry concoction. I'm not a huge raspberry fan (hate the seeds) but it was about all they had that was WW friendly. It also had mandarin oranges on it. Not a fan of those either. I'd say the best part of it was the hard roll that came with it. The raspberry dressing itself was sort of pinkish-brown and just as unappealing as I'm making it sound. The flavor was OK, but no fun to look at.

Honestly, sometimes it's tough going out to eat. I was at Champp's for a meeting last week (obviously not my idea) and everything there had meat. I ended up ordering a Cobb salad and had them hold the bacon and chicken and various other things. It was a substantial salad, and quite good but what killed me was I had planned this visit so carefully. I went to their website, took a look at their menu and had everything decided (aside: read the fine print; all the nutrition info for their salads are w/o dressing!!!!). I was going to order some southern salad number. So I get there, open the menu--completely different. I think I did alright, but when I got home I had to wrack my brain trying to remember everything on the dang salad!

I still have some of these residual bad habits that I'm working on. I did have another WW ice cream novelty debacle on Friday, where I polished off what I had in the house.

Undaunted I bought some more when I went to the grocery store last night. I did make a change though. I bought the one point fudge bars (as opposed to the 2 point cookies and cream bars) and I got a package of skinny cow mint ice cream sandwiches. I know, I had a run in with skinny cow a few weeks ago. But I bought the one that I'm least likely to binge on (for whatever reason I can seem to keep my mint consumption in check), and I'm going to see how it goes. I mean, I have to learn how to live in the real world. And honestly, into each life some frozen novelties must fall, so I'm conditioning myself to deal with it.

All in all I'm very happy with my progress amigos. There's just one thing, and it's a pretty big thing. That one thing is trying to keep myself from getting discouraged. I've got a long way to go (something to the tune of 140 lbs) and it's daunting. It's so daunting that I can't even let myself think about it.

You'd better strap in folks, it's going to be a very long ride.

results

So, as of yesterday's weigh in I'm down 43.2 lbs! Wow! I'm very, very happy. I blew past 40 and I hit a personal milestone I'd set for myself, so all is well in my world.

Just had to come in and share with you!

I have no words of wisdom or stories or anything today. I have a lot on my mind, nothing bad, but just nothing interesting enough to share, really.

OH, except one thing. I heard back from Fugazi! Remember, a couple days ago (or was it last week?) I emailed them and told them about appearing in the June Milwaukee Magazine as one of the top 10 concerts in Milwaukee history? Well, GUY WROTE BACK! Guy is the guy in the orange shirt, if you look over to the right and up a bit). I was, and am, just thrilled. Such a nice thing to do, and such a nice guy. Thanked me for sending it and for the support even after all these years. I am touched. I hope to be able to actually send them a copy of the magazine, but as of yet I haven't been able to get a hold of a copy.

Isn't that crazy? I mean, you all know how I feel about Fugazi, and then to actually hear back, and have it be Guy on top of it? I was floating!

This is a long, long day. Unfortunately tomorrow is my 4 hour shift at the adoption center. I'd rather drink bleach. Not because of the pets of course, but because of the public! Blech!

I'm weird

Really, I am. I'm mostly normal, but I'm pretty weird too. I'm ok with it, I embrace my weirdness. Everyone, really, is pretty weird. We all have our own quirks and idiosyncracies. Here are some of mine.

I hate the sight/sound of television in the morning. The only sound I can handle in the morning is NPR while I'm waking up, and music of MY choosing later. Or silence.

I never listen to the radio except NPR. This has been the case for years and years. I gave up on conventional radio in the early 90s. Occasionally (usually because I've forgotten a cd or my iPod) I'll try one of the local independent stations. Other than that, silence is preferred.

I don't mind the sound of a hair dryer if I'm the one using it. If it's the sound of someone else's hair dryer it puts knots in my stomach.

I talk to my plants.

I talk to myself.

I'd list talking to my pets, but that's not weird, that's normal.

I don't like ice in my drinks because I can't stand the feeling of a sweaty glass. Thusly I haven't filled my ice trays in years.

I leave cabinet doors open.

I vacuum, THEN dust. This isn't necessarily weird, but I know there are 2 camps.

I brush my teeth immediately after getting out of bed. I cannot get in the shower if I haven't brushed my teeth. Go ahead. Try and make me.

I have several obsessive/compulsive habits, some fueled by superstition, some just OCD.

If I spill salt I automatically take some and throw it over my left shoulder.

If I'm walking side by side with someone and we 'split a pole' (where someone walks on one side of the pole and I walk on the other) I say 'bread and butter.' I don't even know what the superstition is.

Whenever I drop a spoon I look to see what direction it's pointing because my mom always said that if you drop a spoon you've got company coming over.

I can't let paper money sit without putting the bills in order and facing the same direction (larger bills in back, smaller in front). Change isn't really safe around me either.

I won't look at my cards in any card game until all other players have looked at theirs. The only exception is if I'm a dealer, but usually everyone has already looked at their cards by the time I'm done so it's almost a moot point.

I'm habitually scatterbrained when it comes to keys, ids, credit cards. My friend John was with me once when I was getting ready to leave for work. While in the process of gathering up my ides, keys, lunch bag, etc., John asked me "How do you manage to get dressed in the morning?" In my family this type of behavior is referred to as 'Pulling a Leslie.'

I time myself when I'm brushing my teeth. 30 seconds per quadrant.

I'm a very slow reader. My comprehension is excellent, I always tested high on standardized tests, I took accelerated English classes in high school. But reading a book is slow going for me.

I love geometry and algebra. I am also a huge fan of origami because I love folding things. I also love putting stickers on things.

I read the Sunday paper in the exact same order all the time. If I'm reading someone else's Sunday paper I become belligerant if someone disrupts this pattern. Maybe not belligerant. But I am quite put out.

I will open the windows of my house, even in the dead of winter, just to get some fresh air moving around. My thermostat is never higher than 65 in the winter. Summer is a different story. I am a firm believer in 'it's not the heat, it's the humidity.'

So, that's just some of my weird little things. I'll write more some other time. I'm full of 'em.

Random weekend stuff

Hey Amigos,

Another too fast but very productive weekend.

Saturday was a reunion picnic for the adoption center. It's held at the runway dog park. I actually had a great time, but didn't put enough sunscreen on my nose so it's a little pink, as are random parts of my forehead.

It's SO much fun seeing that many dogs just playing and running around. There were all shapes and sizes. The littlest one was Shelby. She's the size of a male guinea pig, but was out there with the rest of them! The biggest was...well somebody came in with a St. Bernard but he wasn't one of ours. The biggest one of ours was probably Sherman, a weimaraner. It was so nice to see everyone and just sit out and enjoy a nice sunny day.

Afterward Therese and I went to the WAC and I did some swimming. I don't really 'swim' since I was never really taught the proper technique. I kind of do a combination breast stroke and freestyle from one end to the other. No matter what I'm breathing hard. About 1/2 way through my laps the lights went out. We kept swimming until it started to feel creepy, but I got a good workout in.

Then I went home and watched 2 movies that I got from Netflix. Well, I watched enough of them to know I didn't like them, then fast forwarded through them so I'd know what happens. The first was Timber Falls, and I don't even want to talk about it, it was so bad. I was hoping it would be scary but it was just horrid. The second was Funny Games, and I became so annoyed that I started fast forwarding about 30 minutes in. I almost wish I hadn't done that.

Funny Games is a home-invasion suspense/horror/torture porn flick and not worth my time. It was stylistic but completely pointless. I don't have a problem with home invasion type stories. I mean, A Clockwork Orange is one of the greatest films ever. But this Funny Games wasn't even in the same stratosphere as anything by Kubrick. The director isn't worthy to shine Kubrick's shoes.

I was honestly hoping to be scared, but in the end I was just peeved that I'd wasted my time and Netflix on them.

Yesterday was a productive day for me. Since my depression has lifted I felt like tidying up around the house. I did a bunch of laundry, vacuumed, did some yard work, sorted through some old books and cds, through out some stuff I didn't need.

It was father's day, but since my father passed away I didn't have any plans for that. My dad was never big on father's day. The happiest I remember him being on Father's day was the time he got a free breakfast sandwich at McDonald's. The man loved a bargain. Since he was never really all that thrilled with it (in the same way he didn't care much about his own birthday, and especially father's day because I think he thought it was just a put on by the greeting card companies) I don't have any sentimental attachments to father's day per se, but it does sort of stink when it rolls around and he's not there. It doesn't necessarily make me miss him more, because honestly, I don't think I'm capable of missing him more than I already do. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him, and he's been gone nine and a half years. I'm very lucky, because he and I had a good thing going. Actually, I talked to him the day before he died. I had applied for a job someplace else; I knew it was a good job but I couldn't afford to take it, and he knew that too. His last words to me were "Don't do anything stupid."

So, that was my weekend. It was pretty good except for the two heinous movies!

Last week never happened

Here's the poop. I did have a gain this week, and it was the exact same amount that I had lost the previous week. In my world, that means this past week never happened. Trust me. It's better this way. I do feel rejuvenated, renewed. I feel much better about things, and I feel positive about my eating again. I WILL have a loss next week. That is the deal I've made with myself, and it's going to happen. I also got a token for completing 16 weeks on weight watchers. That's right amigos. 4 months! I've been 4 months on program, and I feel fine.

Today's been a good day so far. I've been having fun with my students (boss isn't here), getting stuff done. Oh, something funny. As I've mentioned many times, I love the band Fugazi. They're my favorite above all others. And I've always had a bit of a thing for the guys in the band. All of them. They're all very nice, vegetarians or vegans, environmentally conscious, intelligent, no drugs. And they're all, in their own quirky ways, terrific looking. Ian's got the cool, bald punk look I love. Guy has the swarthy, French-Italian look I love. Joe is smaller and quiet, and adorable. And Brendan is the drummer. 'Nuff said.

I found out today that Ian and his girlfriend Amy Farina (equally talented, they perform as The Evens; saw them last year and they were terrific) just had a baby. So now all members of the band are dads and essentially that means the 'hiatus' that Fugazi was on is pretty much a permanent thing. That's me talking, not them; for all I know they're planning on taking everyone on the road some day.

But, they probably won't, and I really miss what they all were together.

They're incredibly talented on their own, of course, and are still working and recording, just doing different things. So I have that. But Fugazi as a band? They cannot be beat.

Anyway, the boys have been on my mind lately. Here's a bit from a recent article in Milwaukee Magazine.

From the article “Rock of Ages” by Jon Gilbertson, described as follows: “We searched our memory banks, checked with experts and picked the greatest concerts in Milwaukee history. Let the arguments begin.”

They’ve listed 10 shows, including the Nirvana show at the Unicorn in 1990 (I wasn’t there), U2 at the Palms in 1981 (I wasn’t there either), Bruce Springsteen in 1975. That sort of thing.

And they included the following:

Fugazi: The Rave, November 12, 1998

The punk rock legends gave fans value for money (this show cost less than two beers at the venue’s bar) and go for broke power. “They were commanding the audience,” says Davey von Bohlen, whose band at the time, the Promise Ring, was an opening act. “The vibe was overwhelming.”

I was at that show. They're right. It was one of the best show experiences that I've ever had. Top 5 people, and I've seen The Police (in 1984) and The Pixies. They opened with one of my favorite Guy songs EVER.

It's a brilliant song:

You should pay rent in my mind
Say like the French say,
"Bon soir, regret;
A demain, a demain"
Do you like me?
I guess.

I love you boys, I really do. You all changed my life.

Hey Amigos,

I've been silent this week. I've got the blues BAD. It all started with my bad meeting last week. Mostly my weigh in was bad, but the meeting wasn't so hot either because the loudmouthed triplets paid us all a visit.

On the upside, I've made a decision that if they are at my meeting tonight (they aren't at every meeting usually, but have been regulars for the last 3) I will be switching to 5:30 on Thursdays so as to avoid them. So that's a positive.

My week with food has not been so positive. I think I may have mentioned my Skinny Cow debacle. And I just haven't been eating right. And I haven't been moving much. And I haven't been tracking my points.

See, when I get depressed I just don't feel like doing anything. It's not like I've been eating really terribly, I just fall into some bad habits. Like skipping breakfast and lunch, eating too much at dinner, that sort of thing. On the plus side here, I haven't completely lost it either. If I had I would be at home eating take out and chips and such, and I haven't been doing that at all. I had a couple minor splurgy things from Outpost, but mostly I've just been eating too much at the wrong times.

So I've prepared myself for a gain tonight (and I'm not being defeatist, I'm just being realistic). But it's OK. I haven't lost hope and I haven't abandoned the program. I've just had a rough week.

I think maybe I need to tell you a little about my depression. I've got full on bona fide clinical depression. I was diagnosed probably 15 or 20 years ago. I've never been hospitalized or had any serious issues with it, and it's under control so you never have to worry about me amigos, I'm alright. But sometimes it rears its ugly head and I just feel buried. That's how this week has been. It's almost as if I'm walking around with weights on me that I can't get out from under. And my thoughts are consistently negative and I can't stop them. It feels like I'm followed by a cloud. I don't want to work, I don't want to do anything at home, I just want to sleep and be quiet. I can function, I go into work, talk with friends, etc. But it's a struggle.

Thankfully I think I'm on my way out of this.

Some members of my family are very sympathetic about it. Some seem to delight in telling me to 'snap out of it.'

Snap out if it! Why didn't I think of that? I'll just do that right now! **snap** OK, all better!

Jesus, what are they thinking. If I could snap out of it, I would. I'd never choose to feel this way, and if there was a simple solution you can bet your ass I'd take it. Honestly, they just don't get it.

Mental illness is no laughing matter, but we do sort of have a running family joke about my mother's side of the family. My dad's side, they're just smart and stubborn. But my mother's, well, where do I begin. Alcoholism, depression, schizophrenia, suicide.

Now I can talk objectively about my cousins because I have 33 of them and am not close with any of them. Actually, there's a whole faction of them that I've never even met. That's just geography talking. They've lived all over the country (and world) and the only time I ever saw a good number of them was at my grandparents' golden wedding anniversary, and I was 10 years old. I saw a few at some funerals, but for the most part we just don't interact.

Anyway, I've got some loopy cousins. I've had 2 first cousins commit suicide, both by firearms, and one of them was a woman. It's a very rare thing for a woman to commit suicide by firearm. I had one who completely lost his mind while away at college. No one is really sure what happened, and he's OK now, but it was scary. I had another cousin drink herself to death after years of alcoholism and a near lifelong battle with anorexia. Her sister is schizophrenic. I have some aunts and an uncle who are clinically depressed. One of my brothers is clinically depressed and a recovering alcoholic/drug user. The other is 50 and can't keep a job, and the other has died.

My sister seems to have escaped relatively unscathed, but she's also tough as nails and wouldn't tell you something was wrong even if something was wrong.

So I'm sure you can see why we may have a little fun at the expense of my mother's genes. That's a trait of my family, too, that we diffuse stuff with humor. But it does run a bit rampant on her side of the family!!! My dad's side? Nothing. My first cousins from his side (I have 4) are all incredibly normal and the nicest folks you could ever meet. My grandma used to say my Uncle Curly was a 'rounder' but other than that there just isn't a whole lot happening on that side. So, thanks for the nut jobs Mom! :)

I would really like to know what it's like to not have depression. My therapies have really worked and for the most part I don't have many, or any, symptoms. But it's always there, you know? It's never completely away from me. It's something I carry with me every day.

On a different note, I watched the dvd of Cloverfield yesterday. Know what? It was SCARY!!! Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised (I do love a good scare).

I will weigh in tonight, and I will post the results here. It may not be pretty, but it's part of the process that I've started, and I'm not turning away from it now.