One Hundred Pounds...

Alright amigos, you knew it was coming, you could sense the magic.

OK, in actuality seeing as I've already mentioned this to my reader and my other reader, it may not be news. And seeing as I called about 5 people and texted that many more, that may also make it not be news. But I don't know if I'll ever tire of actually saying it.

I've lost one hundred pounds. 100 pounds. 100 lbs. One hundred lbs.

I have lost one hundred pounds by following the Weight Watchers plan.

I honestly didn't think I would be this overwhelmed by it. I was at 96.8 last week, lost 3.2 this week (actually, it probably didn't work that way...I stayed the exact same the week before and sometimes I just think my body messes with me for kicks), and I was there.

There was all sorts of hoopla and such. I got a certificate of accomplishment (and if you think I'm not framing that sucker, well, you've got some nerve mister), a 100 pound charm for my keychain (it doesn't weigh 100 pounds, it just SAYS 100 pounds), a contraband WW "I Lost 100 Pounds" refrigerator magnet, and a sticker for my WW bookmark. The class applauded me, and asked me how I did it and I shared a bit of my story.

I'm not going to write much about it here, not right now. I just wanted to put it out there. I honestly wanted to roll all my windows down in my car and scream it to passersby. It's an amazing feeling.

Thanks for being with me for the ride. Which, I must say, has been awesome. I haven't settled on a final goal, and I'm not ready to do it yet. I'd say in order for me to be pretty comfy I'd like to lose maybe 60 more pounds.

60 pounds? I can do that.

Hitting my stride

I think I've hit a stride here amigos. Or something. I'm not sure. I haven't been struggling weight loss wise, per se. I lost this week and I'm currently at my lowest weight.

I think I've maybe hit the real endurance part of my weight loss journey. My therapist has a wonderful analogy that he uses often. He compares it to a marathon run. If you look at all 26 miles right at the start, you'll never finish. You can start out quickly but inevitably you hit rough patches. Then there's the middle part where you just maintain your pace, not too fast, not too slow. This is probably the hardest part of a marathon. Not that I've run one. But I do understand it. I've watched them on television. His descriptions make sense.

That's sort of how I feel about where I'm at weight loss wise. I'm losing, but slowly. I'm essentially mid-journey. I do believe that this is probably where Weight Watchers loses a lot of people.

I've made a promise to myself that this is not going to defeat me. I'm just going to keep going. I'm never, ever going back to where I was. Never. I've been working at this for far too long. 14 months and counting.

I'm doing and feeling things that I haven't done or felt in forever. First of all, I'm coming to grips with the fact that many of my clothes are too big for me. They don't just look big. Some of them look downright ridiculous. My jean jacket, for instance. I still wear it, because I'm cheap and don't want to buy another. But I'm swimming in it. I have copious pairs of underwear that are just too dang big. I've dropped another pant size. One of my favorite shirts, a damned expensive one I bought as a treat for myself last year, looks like a maternity top. I love that top. Can't wear it. My brassieres are just all over the place. I'm using the first row of hooks. Completely new to me.

I've also begun my life's dream. I started riding lessons. I had my first lesson on Saturday and it was better than I could have imagined. And my weight didn't enter in to any of it. It was a non-issue.

I've planned a trip to Great America. I haven't been to Great America since I endured the humiliation of having to get off a ride because I was too big. Yes amigos, that happened to me. You've never...I can't explain how that felt. You never want to feel that bad friends. You just never do. But I know that when I go this time, I'll be able to go on whatever I please. I haven't been to Great America in 7 years because of that last incident. And after that, I didn't care enough to change things in my life, I just resigned myself to the fact that I'd never go again.

I'm sort of wandering all over the place with this post, but in a way it's kind of how I've been feeling. I'm in the middle of this journey and I'm sort of looking at things from five thousand directions and trying to take it all in, and it's pretty hard to describe.

I just had an idea. I think I'm going to list what's changed in my life in the last 14 months.

-I'm thisclose to being able to shop for clothes that aren't in the Plus Size or Women's section of stores.

-I'm wearing size 16 pants. They're size 16W, but they're still size 16. 14 months ago I was wearing size 26.

-I've lowered my cholesterol 28 points. It is now at 191.

-I haven't had fast food of any kind, and I don't miss it. Here's a short list of what I haven't eaten in 14 months (things I used to eat regularly): Taco Bell, Culver's, Arby's, KFC, Burger King, Krispy Kreme, Steak n Shake, Sentry deli, bread pudding, frozen pizza, ice cream, tater tots, elephant ears, Sentry cut out cookies, peanut m and ms, Jimmy Johns, Oscars, Kopp's, Pick n Save baked goods, gigantic muffins, normal sized muffins, potato chips, full-fat popcorn, ultra mega-fat movie popcorn,

Do I miss this stuff? Just ask me. Go ahead, ask me. I'll wait.

Well, since you asked, no, I don't. I don't miss these things. I've found that I can easily live in this world without them.

-I've ridden a horse. I haven't ridden a horse in 17 or 18 years. I didn't dare. I wasn't in good enough shape, I was just too heavy. But this past weekend, I didn't just ride the horse. During my ground work (which I love), I RAN with the horse. The object was to get him up to a trot, and then stop. Well, you probably already know this, but horses cover a lot of ground. I had to essentially go almost top speed just to get him up to a trot! But I did it. And I didn't feel like I was going to die either. And I can't tell you the feeling it gave me, to have this beautiful horse running along side me. It was sublime. 14 months ago? Never would have happened.

-I can cross my legs.

-I can go up the stairs without thinking I'm going to die, and without my knees crying out for mercy.

-I'm buying clothes off the rack, as opposed to ordering them from catalogs. And I'm buying things because I like them, not because they happen to fit.

-I can walk into a department store and not feel ridiculous.

-My weight doesn't draw attention to me.

-I have short hair. I didn't realize how much I was letting my hair cover me up. It was just a way to disguise myself. I think I always knew that shorter hair looked better on me. For years I said that I was letting it grow because I was excited that it was coming in curly. Part of that is true. I love having curly hair. But the look now is the look I think I'm supposed to have. It feels right.

-I'm a full on fruit fanatic. I always prefer fruit over vegetables, but I have a core group of vegetables that I love too. I'm a produce nut, plain and simple.

-I'm more comfortable in my body.

-I don't dread restaurant booths, plane seats, amusement park rides, or my mother's sofa (she used to chide me about sitting on it because you could hear the springs; I'm not entirely sure what that means and why it's bad, but it's a non-issue)

-My dogs are in better shape. My literal dogs, not my feet. Although my feet are in pretty good shape too.

-I think I'm having a positive effect on others; I didn't intend this, but it just happens. If what I'm doing helps someone else lose weight, that's a reward you just can't quantify.

-I'm more active and I want to do things. I want to go out with my friends. I want to go see live bands.

-Not sure how this all comes into it, but my house is in better shape than it's ever been. I'm a better housekeeper! My house is nearly presentable at all times, no more dishes in the sink, no more newspapers lying around, or unmade bed. And it's become habit. I like living that way.

-Call me crazy, but my car gets better mileage. No lie.

-I'm a better cook.

-I've kept my promise to myself, to never miss a meeting. Even over the holidays, even when I knew I had a gain, I still went. The couple of times my meetings were closed because of the holidays, I just went on a different day.

I remember the day I joined Weight Watchers. I was resistant, but I also knew I was in desperate need of help. So I figured, if nothing more, I would go to the meetings. Come hell or high water, going to the meetings was the least I could do. And there was a part of me that said that even if it didn't work, if I continued to go to the meetings, it eventually might work. Well, I went, and it worked. And continues to work.

This list could probably go on and on. There almost isn't any aspect of my life that hasn't changed somehow, due to my weight loss. So, it's a work in progress, just as I am a work in progress.

Thanks for sticking around for the ride. And I hope you stay with me while I begin my second year as a weight watcher. There are a couple big things coming up you won't want to miss! I haven't mentioned numbers lately, but there's a biggie around the corner that I'll shout from the mountaintops when I reach it. I'll also blog about it. You can probably guess what it is (if I haven't actually already told you) but I don't want to jinx it by writing it here. So, just keep watching. It'll happen soon enough.

Now I'm off to do more life evaluation! And maybe some other stuff.

Tracking and things

Hey Amigos,

I figure I'd better blog about something or I may lose my faithful reader. So here I am! Happy?

It's been an interesting few weeks. My mom had her hip replaced 2 weeks ago. She was in the hospital for 5 days, and is now in transitional care and will stay there til next week, probably Wednesday. I'm responsible for getting her mail, taking care of her house and cat, etc. My brothers don't do it because my mom doesn't trust them to have access to her house when she's not there (and no, my brothers aren't adolescents; they're both in their 50s). My sister can only do some of it because she's allergic to cats.

I'm not complaining, it just makes for a busy couple of weeks, because I usually go and get her mail and bring it to her at the rehab facility on a daily basis, and it's not exactly around the corner. It's not incredibly far either, but it's a trip.

So I've been busy doing that. I also caught a cold. I rarely get sick, but I think this is the third illness I've had in a year or so (I'll have to go back and look at some of my blog postings, because I remember blogging about a cold that I had; and I certainly have not forgotten that stomach blow out thing I had in October which was newsworthy). Normally I'm as healthy as can be, never really get sick. And I'm surprised I'm saying this, but I almost feel like maybe I should have stayed home for a day or two during this cold. I didn't, though, because I have a ton of stuff to do here.

The weight loss is plugging along. I think I could officially say I've hit a plateau. Right now I'm .4 lbs heavier than I was 1 month ago. I've had losses in there, but I've had gains too. So, yeah, it's plateau time for me.

But, I know exactly why I'm on this plateau. It's completely 100% my own doing. This isn't a mystery. I haven't been tracking for about the last 2 weeks. Why? Because I've been eating things I shouldn't. As if not tracking them makes them not matter. You know, you can get away with that for a little while, but sooner or later it catches up with you. And that's where I'm at right now.

But, by some strange twist of fate, yesterday's meeting topic was TRACKING. Why it's important, why we do it, why we don't do it, reasons to do it. Tracking = weight loss. There's just no two ways about it. I think maybe I thought I could handle not tracking. I think I was a little cocky and thought that I could track in my head.

I will never again let myself reach that level of complacency. This is a battle for my life amigos. I can't be so flippant about it. I can't come as far as I have and then decide I can make my own rules. I'm NOT going back where I was.

I really and truly feel energized. I needed yesterday's meeting more than I've ever needed a WW meeting in my life, because this was the longest I'd ever gone without tracking, and look where it got me? I needed to hear what was said.

So, I'm going to continually, daily, ask myself "Do I want to track today?" And I will faithfully answer myself "If I want to lose weight I do."

I'm actually glad I came on here to blog amigos. This is good. I'm committing to these decisions. I'm taking control back. Isn't that funny? You think you're in control so you don't track, but really it's tracking that keeps you in control.

On another topic, tomorrow is my first riding lesson. I'm excited and apprehensive. We're going to go over ground work, saddling and proper seat. I do not yet know what style I'll be doing, English or western. I've only ever ridden western, and it's fine, but I'm intrigued by English and it seems to me that you're actually more involved with the horse when riding English. Less saddle and equipment, less between you and the horse.

And, as I write this, excitement has overtaken apprehension. :) Can hardly wait!

Well, I'll sign off. Good to be back amigos! Good to be recommitting, good to be picking up my journey where I left off.

Good for me!

I should leave the room when commercials come on...

A recent commercial just irks me.

There's some new vitamin formula out there, from one a day, made specifically for teens. Not just teens in general, there are separate formulas for girl teens and boys teens. The commercial says:

Complete Multivitamins for Teen Boys & Girls to Support:*

Healthy muscle function (for Him)
Healthy skin (for Her)

So, I guess girls' muscles don't need to function healthily, and boys' skin is healthy enough that they don't need vitamins to support it.

Honestly, WTF?

I'm not anti-vitamin. I take a multivitamin and a calcium supplement with vitamin D, both suggested to me by my doctor, a decision reinforced by my own research. And of course I'd never deny that there are some vitamins and minerals that are more beneficial to either sex.

But I also think our culture is a bit vitamin crazy. From what I've read, the body can only use so much of the vitamins in supplements, that after a certain point they become useless and our body just dumps the excess. To paraphrase from the book "Eat, Drink and Be Healthy," people in the United States have the healthiest urine in the world.

I really am so annoyed with this junk. I just find it sad that in this day and age these stereotypes are still being reinforced, and about things that are so basic and important. All kids want their skin to be healthy, whether they say it or not. Boy or girl, zits are no fun. Guys should not have to worry that they actually care about their skin, and girls shouldn't worry if they're interested in their damned muscle function.

Oh, I don't know what I'm saying. It's just a ridiculous thing. Honestly, how far is it from the old "My wife...I think I'll keep her!" that I saw when I was a kid?

What gets me more is that most people won't notice, or care. And on and on it goes.

There's a little more of me, I think.

Hey Amigos,

Been a while, hey? Busy I guess, or not much to say, or both.

The weight loss continues, slow and steady. I had some major struggles this weekend though, so this week could see a gain.

I had a yen for sweets that couldn't be sated. Then we celebrated my brother's birthday (aka: cake was had), and then yesterday, Sunday, I just got really depressed and couldn't quit eating. No pre WW binges, thank goodness. I just ate far too much of everything. I went to the vending machine twice on Friday. I ate an entire bag of peanut butter pretzels, a couple bags of rice cakes, I put real sugar on my strawberries. I just kind of lost it all around.

There's not much rhyme or reason to these episodes. They're just there, they occur and I have to work my way through them. I'm still most definitely feeling it today, but at least I have the structure of work, and I can keep a much better handle on my eating on a weekday. Weekends, I'm just left to my own devices, and, in the case of eating, I am in fact my own worst enemy.

Hopefully the depression will lift soon and I'll be back where I need to be. There were a few moments where I was really feeling my old self rearing up. Self-defeating conversations about the weight loss struggle, how long it's going to take me, how much I have to lose.

It's amazing that my conversations with myself are so negative sometimes. Self-sabotage, much? I mean, I'd never talk to anyone the way I talk to myself. It's so weird and strange. My therapist and I have hit on many things that are behind my negative self-talking, and we're working on it. It's some pretty deep stuff and I won't get into it here. I couldn't write a blog long enough to cover all of that crap.

There are definitely some good things going on too. I got to hang out with my nephew this weekend. He's five, and I absolutely love his guts. He's so adorable and funny and smart.

I also did a little baking. I've taken part in an "Eat Right Challenge" here at work, and our activity for this week was to bring a healthy snack to share at work. Another woman in my office is also doing it, and we both brought our stuff in today, which actually worked out really well! I brought a sweet (apple oat muffins) and she brought a savory (baked chips and fresh salsa).

I also made a crock pot full of lasagna yesterday. It's a new recipe, I haven't a clue how it turned out (can't tell much from that top layer), and I sort of messed up layering it because I ended up with a ton of tomato sauce that all had to be slopped on the top. I guess my 'divvying' skills aren't what I thought they were.

I made it with fat free ricotta, low fat mozarella, whole wheat noodles, crushed tomatoes and spinach. You know, you use the fat free in a dish like this and you can't even tell. And boy does it knock the points off. And it still tastes good! At least, I assume this will taste good. I did try a teeny bit last night, but you know how it is with lasagna. It's got to age a bit.

Appropos of absolutely nothing, here's my latest goof. I saw a special on some cable channel, current, I think? This band played at MoMA, it was amazing, I'd practically have killed to be there. Their version of this song made me cry. A lot. Hey, it was just that kind of weekend for me. I posted it on Facebook too. I'm not a big video fan, but this is pretty incredible.

Crabby

Every day I get closer and closer to going vegetarian.

I can say I'm mostly vegetarian. The only flesh food I currently have in my home are some pouches of tuna and a pouch of crab meat. I've lost track of how long they've been there, and they're probably not safe to eat anymore!

Everything else is either fruit or vegetable, or grain, or meat facsimile (I've got some soy crumbles and chik'n tenders in my freezer).

I never flat out decided that I'd eat this way. I can and have cooked with meat, albeit not in many, many years. Many years. But even before I thought of going vegetarian I knew meat wasn't really my bag. Raw chicken makes me want to puke. Hamburger is too gross to look at. Ground turkey stinks. It's just so much easier not to cook with meat. And cheaper. Oh, and fish? Too stinky, and I never knew what kind to get, and it just seems silly because you've just got this piece of fish on your plate, and you still have to have other things to round out your meal. Why not just make a meal out of all those other things?

I'd still occasionally buy a meat based soup, or chili, but lately I don't even do that. If left to my own devices I'd probably never make or buy meat ever again.

You know what got me thinking about all this again? A recent study I read about that says that crabs feel pain. Personally, I never really doubted that crabs feel pain. I find it complete baloney when anyone actually says 'this or that doesn't feel pain' because how could you ever, ever really know without actually being whatever it is you say doesn't feel pain? How can you be so sure? How do you actually know they're not suffering? And all suffering aside, who the heck am I to decide it's time for this or that to die?

I'll admit it, I love crab. I really do. Probably my favorite seafood. But aside from that, I've also always been a fan of the crab as an animal. They're cute, in a weird way, and all that walking sideways is just adorable. When I was in South Carolina there was a little crab on the beach next to where I was sunning myself. Occasionally he'd pop out of his little hole and toss some sand. I don't know exactly what he was doing in there, but he was sure busy. They're just cool animals, and I felt conflicted about eating them. I probably haven't had crab in 3 years.

To think that they're thrown into boiling water so we can eat them. We put them in our mouths and eat them. I don't want a crab to suffer because I like the way he tastes after he's been boiled alive.

It's not the easiest thing being vegetarian. I did go full on for about a year maybe 10 years ago, and I think my biggest problem is that I want everyone to be happy, so if someone makes a meal with meat in it, I don't want to disappoint them. Silly, I know. And something I don't like is having to explain to someone that I'm vegetarian. People don't freak out or anything, but you realize once you make the switch that there aren't a whole lot of them out there. Public support is not necessarily in your favor.

So, I still haven't committed. But every day I get one step closer. This is the closest I've been in a long while. It's those damned crabs, I tell you. Who would have thought that a crab is what would push me over the edge?

Lost in cyberspace

I found out something today that made me very, very sad. I had received an email from Guy Picciotto of Fugazi last summer. He's the guy in the orange shirt in the video on the sidebar over there.

I had sent the band an email telling them about a mention in a local magazine that one of their shows ranked in the top 10 shows ever to go down in Milwaukee. I was at that show, and it's in my top 5. Anyway, Guy is the one who opened the email and he sent the nicest response back. Nothing long or drawn out, just 'thank you' and telling me how much he appreciated hearing it, and that it amazes him that there's still a following (I had to restrain myself from writing back to him and repeating I LOVE YOU ad nauseum...).

Well, somewhere within the last month or so, I deleted the email. Not on purpose of course, but it's nowhere to be found. I've tried and tried. It's just not there anymore. It's not completely out of the realm of things that happen, considering the fact that my email account tells me frequently in urgent messages that I'm running out of room (I haven't yet determined if it's true or if it's just yanking me) and I'll frantically get rid of stuff I don't need.

Well, somehow, that email got put in with the stuff I thought I didn't need, and now it's gone.

I don't know, I know it's not the end of the world. But it was a really nice note, and the guy (Guy) wrote Margin Walker for crying out loud...he wrote some of the most brilliant lyrics I've ever heard...and what did I do? I deleted his email.

Sigh.

I momentarily toyed with sending another email in the hopes that somehow I'd hear back again, but I think that would just be getting weird.

And I realize this is something that probably means nothing to anyone outside of me, so it's not like this email gave me bragging rights or anything.

It just meant a lot to me, and now it's gone.

On a different note, I get weighed in tonight. No idea where things are going to go. I had a weird week. Some weird binging episodes (rice cakes) and some extreme exercise, so I just don't know.

I do think I'm in need of some new pants again. Getting ready to drop down another size, amigos.