Sayonara Dude!

I'm pretty sure I just wrote a dear john letter.

Not that I've talked about it much, but I still see the feller I told you about a few months ago. You know the one. He chose to go to a church festival in spite of asking me over for dinner. He also told me my house smelled. Yeah, you remember now, right?

Against my better judgment I'd still see him. It's one of those things where I actually do have fun with him, like I'm enjoying myself just enough to make it worthwhile.

But here's the problem. I'm a one feller kind of gal. And not because I necessarily possess some great moral standard or anything. It has a lot to do with concentration, really. And avoidance of conflict too. And the ability to actually be pretty happy most of the time in that I don't feel the need to keep looking when I have something good.

Alas, my friend was not of that same mindframe. We weren't serious enough for me to say he was cheating or anything. But it was obvious that, although he was seeing me, he was continuing to seek out others' companionship. I finally decided that if that's what he wants, that's fine, but that I don't need to stick around while he looks for someone else.

I was going to call him. I mean, I think it's only fair to actually talk to the person. Also, email leaves too much for interpretation. You can't tell a person's demeanor. It's easy to read something the wrong way. That sort of thing. But this morning I logged in to facebook (for some reason I can't help checking in there every day...I don't even like it per se, but there's always so much activity that I'm compelled to look).

There was an update to his page so I opened it. It turns out that he'd been using the speed dating service there and flirting with people (not me), and I thought, well, if that's how it's going to be, I don't really feel the need to call him to talk with him. He's made his choice, and the sooner, and quicker, I do this the better.

Now before you go and think I was checking up on him, lemme 'splain. The fact that he was using the facebook speed dating service was posted prominently on his facebook page. I didn't have to look for it, it was staring me right in the face. As a side note, this is the kind of thing that happens to me all the time. I think guys think women check up on them. The fact of the matter is, guys have no idea how poorly they cover their tracks. They leave clues all over the damned place, the poor schmucks and then they blame us for 'figuring it out.'

So I did write an email. Luckily I'm very skilled at analytical and technical writing. Creative writing is not my forte. So I composed a very logical, level headed email explaining where I stood, and before I had time to talk myself out of it, I sent it.

There was a pang of regret that I felt almost immediately. That was because I'm not so sure what I'll be getting back from him. Nothing would be perfect. Nothing would be ideal. But sending someone an email gives them ample time to reflect and respond, and I'm afraid I may hear things from him that I really don't want to. At least when you're talking with someone it's usually settled then and there. Now I've got this email out there, dangling...and I have to wait for that other shoe to drop, and maybe it never will.

That was really the only regret that I felt. I'm afraid he might write me back and that it will make me feel bad. I really don't feel bad right now. But maybe if I've hurt him, he'll hurt me back. Hard to say. I don't think I've hurt him...he obviously can't care that much about me or he wouldn't be looking.

I actually feel kind of good, really. Like I'm sparing myself some future pain. Who wants to hear that it's been nice to spend time with you but I've found the person I was really looking for? I don't want to hear that.

Frankly, I don't know what the guy's problem is. I can't imagine he'll be able to find another woman with the (often undeserved) tolerance I've shown him.