Act II

Hey Amigos,

I've stopped and started this blog several times over the last couple weeks. I'm going for it right now, though, and I'm going to put this thing out there come hell or high water. My reader deserves it!

Work has been very, very... stressful I guess. Tense? It's been busy and crazy and I have some responsibilities that are weighing heavily on me. Not bad, just that things are going to be tough for the next several months. I'll be fine amigos, not to worry. In the words of Lloyd Bridges in "Airplane," I guess I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

Weight loss is actually going very well! I've sort of recommitted to the program. A WW friend and I even sat through a 'first meeting' talk and everything. And it's working! We've decided to call it Act II. Act I was great, and intermission was fun and snack-filled, but Act II promises to knock your socks off. :D

My appetite also had a bit of a boost (or the opposite, but in a good way) by a date I had last week. You know how it is, you're thinking about a boy (or a girl, depending on your persuasion) and you don't care about eating. I have no idea if it's going to go anywhere or not (as of this writing we haven't gone on date three yet...not sure if it's going to happen), but you know what? The mere fact that it was a fantastic date, he was a perfect gentleman, he treated me wonderfully, he's cute...it makes up for every single crappy date I had with my previous gentleman caller. And pretty much every date we had was crappy. So I've reset my weighing self and my dating self. All systems go.

The dating thing is interesting. It always kind of highlights what a mess I am inside. Self doubt, negative self-talk, dwelling on bad experiences. My skin is terribly thin, and I have no confidence. I keep up a good front, and I think I manage to fake it. But inside I'm coming up with every reason he could ever find to not like me. Wondering if he thinks I'm fat. Wondering how I could compete with other women.

Yeah, it's a mess.

Believe me, it's gotten monumentally better over the years. And it's something I work on all the time. But seeing a boy just brings it all to the surface. And frankly, this was quite a boy. Charming, sweet, funny, and in my humble opinion, hotter than hell. I have strange tastes admittedly, so I certainly don't imagine everyone would agree with me on that.

Anyway, who knows. The upside of it all is that I feel rejuvenated by it, happy, I had fun, and I deserved it. He treated me so well, and I deserve to be treated well. So, if it doesn't happen with him, it will happen with someone.

It's weird. My life is not what I imagined it would be. I always figured I'd get married and have kids. Actually, it wasn't until recent years that I realized that it's not going to happen. I'm not going to write about that here, I just can't. Way too much emotion behind it. Maybe some day.

What else... Well, Christmas shopping is going OK. Dogs are doing well! My health is good. No new music, per se. I've been listening to a lot of different things. Oh, riding lessons are killer. I'm riding a different horse for the most part, though Chompy the Ear Biter is still a lesson horse for me. I can't get over how much I have learned, how much fun I'm having, and how much I love horses.

Well, there's a crappy Lifetime Movie on right now (with Shannen Doherty and Tim Matheson...hah!), and I have an all day workshop tomorrow (all part of my new responsibilities...fun fun fun) so I'm going to go veg out for a while. Say a prayer to whoever the patron saint of these things is that I get to see the boy again, or that I'm at least lucky in love at some point.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving (mine was fun, btw, and I still lost weight!), and that the Christmas season finds you all healthy and happy.

Starting at pound zero

Greetings Amigos,

SUCCESS in my weight loss! As you know, I've set the counter back to zero after hitting a significant milestone that I won't mention because I don't want to jinx myself.

So, as of yesterday, I've lost a pound! Down one pound, and I'm not sure how many to go. Really, I need to talk to my doctor about that. I don't believe what the government tells me is a healthy weight for me. I'm 5'5", but I have size 9 feet, so I'd say I qualify as a 'big boned' girl, and I'm sorry but that buys a person a little extra wiggle room.

I'm feeling wonderful about things today. There are a bunch of us doing WW here at work (6 or 7 at least) and most of us happened to be in the same place for a while this morning, and we shared success stories, experiences, had some laughs, gave out some hugs. These are women (and one man) whom I've worked with for at the least 15 years, so we're buddies from way back, and now we find ourselves serving each other as mentors, coaches, sympathetic ears. They're an amazing group of people, and I'm so very lucky to have them.

I've had a few things on my mind lately, but I haven't felt particularly confessional. But I think you all are due for another peek at my innards. So I'll get working on that.

For now, the journey begins anew! :)

The list gets longer

Hola Amigos,

I'm not being a very good blogger, and I don't want to run the risk of losing my reader, and I do have a funny story to tell you, so here I am.

I also think I need to get some stuff out here, mostly about my weight loss journey. Thankfully, we are at ground zero now. I had a very good loss last week and it put me at 100 lbs lost even, so we're starting the counter over, folks. So, at my weigh in tomorrow, it's back to square one.

Now, about my weigh in tomorrow. I did a little celebrating after my weigh in last week. Oh, the irony is not lost on me friends. I went to a wonderful French restaurant called Le Reve with 3 of my dearest friends, and we had a long, leisurely meal. I honestly didn't do too badly. I had a nicoise salad, and we all shared some frites, and we also shared dessert. But I was so wound up when I got home that I ended up staying up too late and getting hungry again.

Then I started this thing of putting Jello mousse (this stuff is fantastic) in between graham crackers and freezing it and have subsequently come to learn that graham crackers are yet another thing I cannot have in my house, because I will eat them until they're gone. Not that it stopped me from buying more over the weekend. But now that those are gone I can assure you that graham crackers will no longer darken my door.

So, I've got the schpilkes that I won't have a loss tomorrow, or at the worst, I'll have a gain. I can't stop beating myself up. For some reason I'm being especially hard on myself about it. I just know this half-assed approach needs to stop, or I'm not going to go anywhere, and that's just unnacceptable.

One of my motivators has been that, frankly, I don't want to flipping pay anymore! WW monthly pass is $40/mo and if you think I couldn't be using that money for something else, then you've got some nerve mister. But seriously, do I want to keep paying $40 so that I can shirk my duties as a Weight Watcher? No!

I've been motivating myself by looking for success stories. I spent a goodly amount of time checking out the blog of a woman who has lost 270 lbs through WW. Jesus H. Christ. I saw another one who lost well over 200 lbs. These are women who started out heavier than I (not an easy thing to do) and managed to take the weight off via WW, and I need to see those stories to remind myself that it's possible.

I just can't believe, still, that the urge to overeat is so strong. When I had those graham crackers in the house, they were all I could think about, and eating them all was my way of making those thoughts go away (God forbid I actually throw them out or anything like that).

Oh, cereal too. Over the course of 2 days I ate an entire box of frosted mini wheats. So, cereal, which was always on my list, is now on my list in CAPITAL LETTERS. But I still do it. This was just a few days ago! In spite of my success, in spite of the plan that is great and it works, in spite of all that I STILL fall into bad habits. The fight is never over amigos.

So, the funny story I was going to tell you, I went to my riding lesson on Saturday. When I got there the horse I ride was still out in the pen area, so I figured I'd go out there and get him. It is a scary prospect, but I've done it a couple times and it's something I should be doing. So out I go with a harness to bring him in. It had been raining all week. One of my friends there loaned me her rubber boots because the mud was ankle deep, and I started slogging through the mud and manure. I did what you were supposed to, which is make noise, announce your presence etc. He and the other horses were gathered around a bale of hay, so I was able to walk right up. Of course, walking wasn't exactly easy. It was one of those things where you lift your foot up but your shoe stays put, you know? But after a while, and a few near falls and a couple nearly lost shoes, I made it next to my horse. I gave him a pat and put part of the rope over his neck, just to let him know what was coming. He looked at me, and then lifted his head up, and it was then that I noticed his ears flat against his head. This is a bad, bad sign. Sort of the 'baring teeth' of the dog world, or the hiss of a cat. I knew he was going to do something but before I could even form the thought of what that might be, he clamped his mighty teeth down on my ear. OUCH! I gasped and put my elbow up to get him to back off, which he proceeded to bite. Then I said "NO" firmly and he backed off, and there I stood, completely stunned. I had no idea how bad the damage was to my ear, so I put my hand up to it. There was indeed blood, but the ear itself was all there.

I was stunned. I really didn't know what to do. I stood there for a minute, and then my instructor saw me and came out to get us. She hadn't meant for me to go get him, she meant for her husband to have brought him in, and she was most apologetic. She was just really nice about it. But I didn't want her to feel too badly about it. It wasn't like I wasn't in some way responsible, at least in hindsight. I did a fool stupid thing, and should have waited for help. And now, I am admittedly a little afraid of him! I'd never actually been afraid of him before. We did proceed with the lesson, and I had a great ride, and I'm so glad for that, because if we hadn't it would have fed into my fears and reinforced him. But wow...when you really think about it, it's pretty damned hazardous. but this is what you do when you work with horses.

Another thing about it that amazes me, is his precision. It wasn't like he was just looking to bite me and happened to catch my ear. He went for my ear and bit it on purpose. I cannot figure out how an animal so massive, with such a huge blind spot, could be so dead on accurate. I should take a picture of it, so you can see.

Ironically, or something like that, I'd just gotten my haircut that morning. So unbeknownst to me, I'd made my ear particularly accessible. Drat!

Anyway, that's my funny story. And it really is funny. You can't say that a horse bit you on your ear and remain completely serious.

Well, tomorrow I weigh in, and I'll post here, just like in the beginning. Now, how much can I lose in 24 hours?

I dismember that...

Hey Amigos,

Remember back when I used to post how much I lost every week? That was fun. Why haven't I posted anything recently? Because I've been screwing around with the same, oh, 8 pounds for, oh, 6 months now.

Not to worry, reader, I'm not throwing in the towel, no way, no how. Actually, I've stepped up my meeting attendance to 2 meetings per week. My usual Thursday night meeting with my leader who I swear is an angel sent straight from heaven (hello? Raising Arizona??), and I've added a Saturday morning meeting with another fanstastic leader. This woman is a star, I swear. The place is packed because of her, and she's just got it together. She says all the right things and really is just genuinely, wholeheartedly enthused. AND she's a 35 year member.

So, I have stepped up that effort. And I've started writing about what the heck is holding me back and what I stand to lose. I'm doing more journaling. And I'm paying very close attention to subtle changes that could spell big trouble.

I have had a couple scary things happen in the past month or so that put the fear of God in me. One thing was me removing what I planned to wear to work and replacing it with something more comfortable (aka: roomy). Not good. Also, I've been relying more on wearing tennis shoes. That may not seem related to my weight, but it is, in ways I can't explain. Both of these things are "Fat me" behaviors, and they cause me to stop and think about just what the heck it is I'm doing.

Just so much going on in my brain regarding weight loss and my whole life. But I do feel like it's sorting itself out. I'm not necessarily in complete control right now, but my awareness is running high. Make sense? It's almost like the pieces are slowly going back into place. Maybe the whole pattern changed, and the pieces got jumbled, and now I'm putting them back in their new places. Honestly, that's what it feels like! I need to change the way I look at the world.

Anyway, don't worry about me. Actually, how about this. I'm going to start posting losses soon, I'm sure of it. And I'm going to start my count over.

So when I post my next loss, we're starting at pound 1. I've already lost 100, that's over and done and floating somewhere in the atmosphere. What I need to lose now is an additional 80. Now don't go giving me any grief about how that's too much and whatnot. You all have no idea how much I weighed when I started. If I were a braver person, more self-assured, I'd tell you. But I just can't tell you. What I can tell you is that I really, truly and medically need to lose 80 pounds. I can do it.

OK, another random rambling post. I'm writing over my lunch hour and am a bit rushed for time. Here's to new beginnings.

Plans to make

Hey Amigos,

And again, I've been woefully silent for a couple weeks. Or has it been 3? Don't worry, nothing catastrophic. I haven't ballooned up to Nell Carter size or anything like that. Just incredibly busy with things that would make for very boring blog posts.

I had a session with my therapist yesterday and we did some deep discussion about my weight loss journey. I guess at this point you could say I'm struggling a bit. I keep gaining and losing the same 4 or 5 pounds. I know darned good and well why, but what I don't know is why I'm exhibiting those behaviors.

So after some discussion J and I came up with a game plan. I'll write about it here when I have it all figure out. Not ready to commit anything just yet. but trust me, it's a good plan, and I think it's going to work. No, I KNOW it's going to work.

So, don't worry about me or any of that jazz. I'm alive and well, just trying to wrap my mind around a few things and get my act together.

Adios, will post when my plan is in place!

WI Day

Hey Amigos,

Another weigh in day, another week of not so great eating. I started out all wrong (a trip to Outpost, the beginning of the end) and never quite got my mojo back. I talked about it extensively with my therapist, which helped. We've been comparing it to a marathon, and right now I'm in the middle of it, the suckiest part. Not fresh out of the gate like at the beginning, but not close enough to the end to see the finish line.

This is the hard part, this is the endurance. But, I have faith that if I continue going to my meetings, it will all come together.

So, that's where I'm at. Not much of a post, admittedly, but it's not fun to talk about either! I'll report in soon. I'm not holding out for a loss tonight at all, but that's OK with me. I've started a new day today.

Trackin', like the doo-dah man

Hey Amigos,

Just had to tell you, I took on a little challenge with my dear friend, co-worker and WW buddy D. We found that we both have stalled. I weigh now what I weighed at the beginning of summer. If I were in maintenance, then bully for me. But maintenance is NOT where I am, so I had to get cracking here. I can't afford to be on WW my entire life (in the literal and figurative senses of the word).

So D and I have made a commitment to tracking. I'm tracking everything, so is he, and then we're emailing our daily reports to each other the next morning.

They're not joking when they say, tracking = weight loss. I stopped tracking consistently probably around when I went on vacation, and in that time I've probably put on 5 or 6 pounds. NOT GOOD. So as of Sunday, I've tracked everything. Now, I don't know if that will translate into a weight loss when I weigh in tomorrow, because I had a doozy of a binge between Thursday and Friday. It was someone's last day here, and there was a lengthy celebration with tons of sweets, and she had brought in donuts, which I never eat, but my donut demon came out of the dark and that was that. So I had some major, I mean MAJOR making up to do. So I may or may not post a loss tomorrow (most likely not), and I'll live with that.

The fact of the matter is, I'm tracking again, and the process reminds me how very important it is. Probably the thing I notice most of all is that I really put a lot more thought into what I'm eating. I remind myself that whatever I eat has a number, and I have to write that number down and I have to be held accountable for it. It just makes me stop and think, which is a big part of eating right.

Another motivator for me is that I really want to be able to tell you, my amigos, that I've got losses coming. I've had a few, but I erased them. Essentially the summer was a wash, and I need to make up for that.

I told my friend D, it's as if we are having a renaissance, almost like we've discovered the program all over again.

On another note, I feel really sad about the loss of Ted Kennedy. Of course, I feel a bit conflicted, given his past. But his influence is undeniable, and we probably won't see the likes of him again. A sad day indeed.

OK, that's enough out of me. Just wanted to tell you what I'm doing, and hopefully I'll be able to start giving you NUMBERS, baby, NUMBERS.

For cryin' out glavin!

Argh. I knew I was going to gain weight this week. I wasn't even surprised at the number on the scale. Know what pisses me off? The fact that I'm 7 pounds heavier than I was at the end of June! I've lost in there, but I've also gained, and the gains are winning. Drat! Drat drat drat!

Know what though? I'm glad I looked at my weight tracker. It's one thing to look at each individual week, but when you see something that has affected you for the last month and a half, it's a bit more...persuasive!

So, I've broken a promise to myself, to not fall back under 100 lbs lost. Poop. Am I defeated? No. Just pissed. Being pissed is a great motivator. Maybe I'll make myself too angry to eat.

I've found a couple new addictions. These aren't too bad, along the lines of caramel flavored rice cakes and Skinny Cow ice cream. I had my first taste of a Famous Dave's pickle. No, I wasn't at Famous Dave's. Not interested, thank you very much. I was at Sam's Club of all places, and it was 'sample day' and the pickle seemed like a safe bet. They're fabulous. They're like bread and butter pickles with a little kick. I tried to buy a jar there, but, being Sam's, I couldn't actually only buy one, I would have had to buy six. No lie. Considering the only other products they had were barbecue sauces and meaty things, I wasn't interested in anything other than pickles, and I wasn't going to buy six jars of pickles. So I picked a jar up while grocery shopping yesterday.

Unfortunately, after I opened them and started eating them, I looked at the ingredients, and the second ingredient is high fructose corn syrup. Before vinegar even. But, pickles are a good snack, and when I'm finished with this jar I'll just find another bread and butter pickle with better ingredients and add my own spices.

My other good addiction is olives. The best thing about them is that it's hard to OD on them. I love them, and can eat a lot of them, but even for me I find them satisfying in a relatively short time.

So, anyway...your slightly pudgier angry friend is recommitting and getting this flipping weight off. For God's sake, I don't want summer to be a complete wash!!!

Challenges!

Hey Amigos,

Margin Walker checked out for a few weeks here, apologies all around. There are some major changes going on at my job and I have been tied up nearly every minute of every day. So, when I do have some free time, I have to decompress for several hours.

My eating has been lousy for the past week. It all started with my birthday, which happened to be the first day of the state fair. So, I was at the fair all day, ate all day, then got home and ate some more. Then I had a party at a friend's house. It's not even like I ate that much when I was there, it's that I continued to eat when I got home.

Then the next day was my work picnic. It really doesn't help that I work with some of the best cooks and bakers in town. And, I made a kick-ass dish myself, rhubarb dream bars (they were gone in a nanosecond after I set them down). Then, that evening, I went to dinner with my sis and mom to celebrate my birthday.

That was Sunday. So you'd think that would be the end and I'd pick up where I left off. But that's not what happened. There was a luncheon Wednesday. And the fact that a coworker brought in brownies on Monday. Then I had plans this Thursday to attend the fair again. See, my mom and sis and I always pick a day during the week to go. So I knew all week I had another visit to the fair in the works. I know that shouldn't have made a difference, but it messed with me. It made it hard for me to take my eating seriously.

I know that's messed up.

I have to weigh in tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but i have to do it. I find myself beginning to talk myself out of attending at all, and that is so scary. I've already pushed it from Thursday until tomorrow. In my defense, I didn't have much choice. I always attend Thursday evenings. Well, this Thursday I was back at the fair. My mom and sis and I went early and were home by 3:30; then I and 3 friends went back (it was a totally different experience, on many levels!). There was no time for me to go, not without messing up some plans.

So I'm going tomorrow, which is the 11th hour in WW world (points reset on Sunday). Honestly, I don't want to go. I wish I could just live my life and have none of this be an issue. But it doesn't work that way. And if I don't go tomorrow, I will have broken my one promise to myself, and I absolutely flat-out refuse to do that. So, I'll go, and step on the scale, and I'll see the toll that a week of free falling has on my weight. Maybe I can be a cautionary tale. "This is what happens when you eat a cream puff, deep fried snickers, deep fried PB and J, pancakes, apple sundae, blue moon ice cream, pizza, cherry float, corn on the cob, cheese curds, etc. in the course of a week."

I'm not happy about this week, but I do have to admit that the temptations were beyond extraordinary. I mean, come ON.

I hope to gain some inspiration from my meeting. I'm going at 7:00 am. Then I'm taking my friend who is in town from New York out to breakfast. It's a long standing tradition.

I believe this to be my last commitment involving food for a couple weeks. Harder than Christmas, I tell ya.

Vacation, all I ever wanted.

Hey Amigos,

I had a few minutes so I figured I'd rap with you all. Or at you all.

My vacation by the way, was fabulous. I'll tell you about it now before I start forgetting.

My mom and sis picked me up at the butt-crack of dawn for a 5:30 am flight. The usual airport rigamarole ensued. The nice thing about a flight that early is that we got into Charleston early, so we had a lot of time to wander, even before checking in. We had brunch, I had a Bloody Mary, southern style (it had a piece of pickled okra in it), we wandered around. Then we went to where we were staying, a vacation rental condo sort of thing. I walked in, changed into my suit and went to the pool. I didn't even sit down. We were a short walk to the beach, our room had a beach view, and the pool was SO close. It was hot of course, Charleston is HOT HOT HOT. But there's a constant ocean breeze and it was just lovely.

That practically sums up my vacation. I spent more time on the beach than at the pool, but I pretty much just hung out. I was so happy that my mom and sis were up for that, and weren't up for more sightseeing. We'd been there before so we didn't feel compelled to visit anywhere in particular. We went out to eat, laid around on the beach, played Scrabble. I got a sunburn, swam with some dolphins (and also saw a bunch of them while having dinner one evening). We shopped historic Charleston. We went to the Moon Pie shop (which was my undoing...but it was worth it). All and all I had a fantastic time and can't wait to go back.

I managed to have a modest gain that week, about 1.5 pounds. I was completely OK with that. I went down there with grandiose visions of losing weight, of making great choices all the time. But, I knew as soon as I had that first glass of sweet tea and they set down that first basket of biscuits (or hush puppies...) I was just going to do what I want. And I did. But I didn't have any regrets, and I went right back to my regular eating when I got back (practically the first thing I did upon my return was go grocery shopping).

Truly a wonderful vacation. Do you realize that's the first vacation I've had since January of last year? I've taken days off here and there, but it's my first bona fide vacation in a year and a half. I doubt I'll ever put vacation off for that long ever again!

My WW plan has been going pretty well. Not perfect. I'm definitely in a bit of a lull. Still lost more than 100 pounds, so I've got that going for me. But I seem to be toying with the same 5. But, I had a loss last week, and hope to have one this week. And if not, I will next week!

Fishin'

Hola Amigos,

Vacation was great, I'll write about that later. Right now I've got the schpilkes over a couple things and I just felt the need to get some stuff out of me.

First off, there's some shit going down at work that does not make me one bit happy. Decisions were made in my absence, and my boss' absence, and since she was gone longer than I, I haven't had a chance to talk with her about any of it and the stress is sitting in my stomach like a hot bowling ball.

Secondly, I decided to try online dating again. Why, you ask? I don't know. Glutton for punishment maybe? I like to see just how low I can get my self-esteem?

The one I'm doing now is free, plentyoffish.com. The reason I looked into this website is that a journal came through my area, I think it was Inc. or Entrepreneur, that did a piece on the guy who came up with plenty of fish. He's a millionnaire who works maybe 3 hours a day. He essentially said that this is so incredibly easy that it runs itself, and has been that way from the beginning. What the hell? Why can't I think of stuff like that?

So it made me curious and I checked it out, set up a profile and put my line in the water (haha...how's THAT for a clever metaphor). It actually has a ton of members, more than any of the paid sites, so that's good. And it isn't like it's crappy because it's free. They have standards and will boot people who are using it inappropriately.

But, alas, it's not much different than paid sites in many ways. I keep getting the same kind of matches as I ever did, and we all know where that got me.

Here are some ways to make certain that I will NOT contact you:

1. You have an obvious mullet in a photo that's less than 25 years old.

2. You're shirtless. I don't care if it's a close-up or a long shot photo. No shirt, no dice. A little self-respect, maybe? I got dressed for my profile photo, it's the least you could do.

3. You're holding something dead that you, yourself have killed. I can't tell you how many guys post pictures of them holding up fish, turkeys, and deer. They actually kneel down and cradle the deer's head in their laps. Yes, I grew up in Wisconsin. But thankfully my dad was an animal lover who never hunted anything in his life. We didn't have guns either. A pic of you and something dead or you with a gun? Overcompensating, fellas. Check out a book on Freud and get back to me.

4. You're holding something dead, period. That's just creepy.

5. You're holding a beer or other alcoholic beverage. Maybe some women enjoy that. I do not. Drinking is nothing to be proud of. Everybody drinks. I can drink. I don't need a photo to prove it.

6. You've blacked out the face of a person who is obviously your ex, or you just happen to have a picture of you and your ex. I don't care how good the damn picture is. Did you even run it past your ex? Are you trying to prove that you've had a relationship of some sort?

7. Enough with the pics of you on your Harley. See the reference to 'overcompensating' in number 3.

8. Shirts with sleeves, please. I don't care to see your pit hair before we've even met in person.

9. At least attempt to spell things correctly. A little effort goes a long way. And don't tell me you ain't got no spell checker. Which brings us to the question of grammar...

10. Be original. That whole bit about 'I enjoy walks on the beach' being a cliche? All true.

I'm not all hell bent on all of my matches being handsome. I just ask for presentable. Put a little effort into it. And you don't have to be a brute to attract women, at least not this woman. I don't need to see that you're a provider and you can hunt and kill things for me. I'm not impessed by guns or bikes or booze or how much you can put away in a weekend. Just talk to me!

Now before you say I'm all high-falutin', I want you to know that I'm not asking for anything that I don't provide myself.

Maybe my standards are too high? I'm sure some people could say that. But I really don't think it's too much to ask that you put a shirt on. I wear one every day. It's not so bad.

Listen all of y'all it's a sabotage

I've been ruminating on this a lot lately, the idea of sabotage. I fight a demon every waking hour of my life. Sometimes it's an easy fight, and I win. And sometimes I'm completely defeated. It's like there's 2 parts of me. Sometimes one part dominates, sometimes another, and sometimes one is completely banished, for a while.

Not sure if that makes sense, but it's honestly how it feels. Some of the time at least.

I've been thinking about it a lot because I've had a rough week. Some good, some bad. Mostly bad.

As of my last weigh in (a week ago today) I'd lost 106 lbs. So happy about that, I just can't tell you. I'm amazed to see it in writing!

I sort of cut loose that day after my meeting. Then I reined it in on Friday, and got some good exercise. Then came the fourth, and I really cut loose. Ate too much of everything, and continued until I fell asleep. Sunday was no great shakes either. Monday was pretty good, and Tuesday. But last night I caved. I didn't eat dinner at a normal time because I had a 6:00 riding lesson, which gave me enough time to run home, let the dog out, and hit the road to get to Grafton. Unfortunately there is a Trader Joe's I have to pass on my way to and from my lesson. By the time my lesson was over (and it was a good one, and I worked hard) I was HONGRAY! I figured I'd stop at Trader Joe's and get something to eat.

Well, I did that. But got more than I needed and kidded myself into believing I would parcel it out over a day or two.

I think you know the end of that chapter.

I can't explain it amigos. I really can't. I know it's wrong. There's a part of me that is screaming to myself to stop it. I mean that nearly literally, a screaming voice in my head. But I can't seem to stop myself.

One of the things I bought was some toffee. I honestly believed I wouldn't eat it all. I got home and had a couple pieces. Then I put it away. Then I kept thinking about how good it was. And as I continued to do that I wanted more of it. Then I started thinking about how maybe it's better I eat it all so that I don't have to obsess anymore.

I think you know the end of that chapter too.

I wish that somehow I could make this stop happening. Yeah, I realize that I can, by just not doing it. But it's not that simple. And I really truly am trying. I must be doing something right, I've lost 106 pounds. But the struggle continues, as much today as ever.

I try and tell myself all the reasons to not overindulge, about how much better I feel, how much healthier I am, how I can wear clothes that I like. You'd think that would be enough. Sometimes it is. But sadly, sometimes it isn't.

Not sure where this post is going. I was going to journal about it, but it seemed just as useful, if not moreso, to put it out here. Amazing how it does help. I don't like admitting that I've had a binge, but I think it would be worse to keep it all inside.

The worst thing, the thing I'm going to have to deal with, is if I see a gain this week. I get so angry with myself, and my negative self talk, which is usually loud and clear, becomes ear-splitting. And that worries me because I don't want to end up in a spiral. You'd think my dread of a gain would be inspiration enough to not binge, but that didn't stop me this time.

I can't tell you how bad the feeling is, anticipating a gain. I fret over it. It ties my stomach in knots.

Honest to God amigos, I can't tell you how much being addicted to food sucks. It's horrible. I wish it would just go away and stop torturing me.

I do have an answer for my current situation. It's very simple. I'm going to my meeting. Just like I went to my first meeting and every meeting in between. Good, bad, otherwise, I'll be going to my meeting tonight and weighing in. Yesterday doesn't matter, the past week doesn't matter. It's what I do today on that matters.

In a related yet different bit of news, I'm going on vacation. Finally, at last, I'm taking a full, solid week off. I haven't done that since January 2008, my trip to NYC. This time my mom, sissy and I are going to Charleston, SC. We went there a couple years ago and had a blast. I am anticipating a great trip down there this time.

The last time I went, I had to ask for seat belt extenders. I can't tell you how humiliating that is. It really is. And I'm going to tell you a little secret. I was so humiliated going down there that on the flights back I faked buckling my seatbelt to save me the embarrassment of having to ask for one again. Ain't that the shit? I broke F A A rules out of shame.

I was also wearing a size probably 4X swimsuit. Now I'm wearing a size 16W swimsuit. I intend on spending copious amounts of time on the beach and at the pool.

I'm a bit worried about the eating situation. The food down in SC is phenomenal. Seafood everywhere you turn. Hush puppies. I love hush puppies. Sweet potato pie. Sweet tea. Gumbo. Grits.

I'm going to track as best I can. And I'm hoping that the fact that we're going to be moving a lot (I'm never too sedentary on vacation) I will have some flexibility. I know that going on vacation can be tough, but frankly, it's never been as tough for me as I know it is on some folks. I do love food and eating out. But I snack less. And we'll be buying groceries as soon as we get there so we can make our own breakfast and I will have a lot of control over what I eat. So while being on WW and taking vacation may not be the easiest thing in the world, I do believe it will be livable, if not downright enjoyable.

I even have my meeting strategy planned out. I will miss my regular meeting, but already have one picked out to attend the day after I get back. So, I guess you could say ll my bases are covered.

Sorry this blog sort of rambled and went all over the place and whatnot. I didn't have a clear agenda, I just wanted to write about my problems of the past week, to try and sort things out, to maybe get myself back into the right frame of mind. Bless your hearts if you've followed it to this point, because I brought you into my brain and back out again, and that can be a bit scary.

I think I'm in a good place now. And I am going to my meeting tonight. As long as I can say those two things, everything else will follow.

Mark my words

Hey Amigos,

Confession time. Weight Watchers, brilliant marketers that they are, marked their one point bars down from $7.50 to $5.00. If I were in a grocery store, this is the type of thing I would NEVER buy. Never.

But somehow, in my WW meeting, I felt trapped in some vortex where $5.00 is a great bargain (thank GOD they don't sell things like bridges in New York and long term care insurance). Before I knew what was happening (and that's almost the straight truth...I was a woman possessed) I had 2 boxes in my backpack, one chocolate peanut butter and one chocolate mint. They're little bars, 1 point each.

Do I really need to tell you what happened? Really?

If you were thinking that it took me approximately 24 hours to finish both boxes, you'd be right. 24 mini bars, 24 hours. Of course I wasn't eating them every hour. I'd eat one, then a little while later another. Then I'd freeze them and have those. Then I'd have three at a time.

See, the trouble is (and any fellow food addicts can back me up on this one) if a trigger food is in my house, I'm almost completely powerless against it. I can hear my dad now talking about willpower and sucking it up etc., and my mom saying "Just don't eat it" and my sister saying both. I've tried. If it's there, I will eat it. Sad but true.

So we come to another weigh in day and I'm filled with trepidation. I've probably gained this week. Mostly because I ate too many points (I know this to be true because in spite of the embarassing quality of my binging, I DID record it all) and only got exercise 2 days this week.

In some of this weight loss stuff are definites. Things that can't be changed. Or, maybe they could be, but I'm so busy focusing on everything else in my life that I choose not to change them. Like my trigger foods. I simply cannot have them in my house. Absolutely positively not. And the thing is, if I stick to that rule, I'm fine. And sticking to it is easier than you think, once I've identified the problem. Another thing is, I know the exercise that suits me best. It's walking. And I don't mean walking indoors to one of those Leslie Sansone videos (even though she is pretty good and you get a good work out) or a treadmill. I mean walking and actually getting somewhere. It's something I like to do and something I know I will do and it's not a chore and I always seem to find time to do it (except when it's hotter than Hades as it is right now). It's also something I can do with my dog. I've tried other aerobic activity, and the only one that ever stuck, that I never got bored with, that I always did, was walking.

Those are my definites. Maybe some day, way in the future, I'll be ready to change them, but they're both good, positive things, so I'm not going to beat myself up for having what others may see as 'restrictions.' I see it as playing to my strengths.

It's amazing, but I feel better than I did when I started writing this post. Maybe it's the fact that I've made another promise to myself. I tend not to break promises to myself. I never promise myself anything unreasonable, but there are several promises that I keep. If I don't I'm actually disappointed in myself.

It's as if I made a promise to someone else and didn't keep it, but I'm both people, feeling bad for having a promise made to me broken, and for actually being the one breaking that promise.

A couple of the promises I've made to myself over the years

*make my bed every day
*always be in the process of reading something (currently I'm reading The Black Echo by Michael Connelly, never read anything by him before; great literature it ain't, but it's a good mystery)
*eat breakfast every day
*bring lunch to work during the week
*always clean the litter boxes at the minimum once daily
*ALWAYS ATTEND A WEIGHT WATCHERS MEETING

That last one is a biggie (hence the caps). The one promise I made when I started the program. I've told you about that before. I didn't promise myself I'd lose weight. I didn't promise myself anything other than I can bring myself to one lousy half hour meeting every week.

So now I've got another big promise to add. And putting it here makes me all the more accountable.

I will never buy another box of WW one point bars. I'm making a clean break. I wish them well and all the success in the world, but they can't be a part of my life.

Time to move on.

Take that, Take 5!

No, it's not really Take 5's fault...I'm not being fair. It's the fault of the powers that be who decide what goes into the vending machines around here!

No, it's not really their fault either. The fault lays on these chubby shoulders.

I powered through my food today and finished everything I brought before 2:00. That makes for one long afternoon. I got so hungry I couldn't take it and went into the lounge where the vending machine is.

Alas, that wasn't my first mistake. You know what was my first mistake? Grabbing two dollars out of my wallet instead of one. I know darn good and well that most things in there are under a dollar. So...did I think I'd lose a dollar during the short walk to the break room? Or that I'd somehow have an occasion to spend a dollar in the few seconds it takes me to get to and from the vending machine?

We know the answer. I brought 2 dollars because I wanted 2 things. What, I didn't know. I so rarely use the vending machine here that I can never predict what they're going to have.

So I get in there and I see, thankfully, a small bag of regular old pretzels. Hanover pretzels, 3 points for the whole bag. I got them.

I should have turned away then. But it was too late. I saw it. I saw the Take 5.

I love Take 5. Take 5 starts with a pretzel. Then they add caramel, and peanut butter, and peanuts, and they cover it in chocolate. And they do it so well. All of the ingredients in perfect harmony with each other.

The first time I had a Take 5 was in New York City. They were new and reps were handing them out. I assume they were reps at least...

I'm not big on candy bars. I like certain ones, but could live without them. But seeing that Take 5 today, and knowing the taste explosion held within its red wrapper, I caved.

Having a Take 5 isn't going to derail me. It's not going to make me put back on 103 pounds. Actually, points wise, I could probably even afford it because I have barely touched my weekly points allowance.

I know it's not the end of the world.

But, it still makes me sad, because that's the sort of thinking that got me into the sorry situation I was a year and a half ago, and that I'd been struggling with for half of my life up to that point. I want it, so I eat it.

I hate knowing that lack of control is so close to the surface. It's damn scary.

I'd never say anyone who is addicted has it easy, but the whole eating thing has a different dimension that other addictions don't. A recovering alcoholic makes a commitment not to drink alcohol. A recovering drug addict makes a commitment not to use drugs. A recovering gambler makes a commitment not to gamble. A recovering food addict makes a commitment to choose the right food for every meal, every day, for the rest of their life. To abstain from unhealthy eating. Eating is a vital function, if we stop all together, we die. So every time I get hungry, every time I have a meal, every day, all day, I have to choose. And I can't just say no, I can't just not eat. I have to say yes to some things, and no to others. Each moment dealing with food is a choice.

It messes with you, I tell ya.

So, how many weight watchers points in a Take 5? Just guess.

5!!

She's back!

Oh, my amigos, I'm so sorry for my lengthy silence. I've been very occupied with various things. Yes, I know we're all busy, and I have a lot nerve using that as an excuse and I should be ashamed of myself for even saying it. But would you rather I post crappy things in multitude, as opposed to wonderful things occasionally? Well?

Of course, that makes it sound like this will be a wonderful post, and I can't promise that. Just let me say that I was away too long and I hope my reader has stuck around.

Right now I'm blogging at home. I woke up this morning like normal. Then things started to get a little ooky. When I realized that I was probably going to hurl, I sent an email to my boss and coworkers letting them know I'd be staying at home.

And what happened subsequently?

I didn't hurl. And now I'm sort of pissed because I used up a sick day. I never call in sick. I had a streak of 6 years with no sick days, then a subsequent streak of 5 years. I was knocked flat by a stomach virus in October, so that blew (literally) 2008. And now, I've blown 2009. I know that's kind of silly. But here I was today, sort of feeling icky, but probably workable. I guess I just didn't want to go to work worried that I was going to blow chunks. Better safe than sorry. But I am disappointed in myself.

There's been a lot of things going down, but I don't really know what I want to blog about today.

I did have sort of a stalled moment in my weight loss. I finally decided that I needed to recommit. I just became complacent and wasn't seeing a lot of loss. I was seeing a small loss, small gain, small loss... And when I looked at the graph that WW has set up, it was so obvious that I was stalling. I expect some of that, but the thing with this was, I was stalling, and I know that I was slacking off.

Here's how I slacked off:

1. I didn't track my food.
2. I wasn't exercising as much as I should have.
3. I wasn't measuring.
4. I was 'treating' myself too often, and not being really serious about acknowledging that (see number 1)

Here's how I remained committed:

1. I still went to my meeting.

I still kept up with the one promise I made myself. I can keep one lousy promise. And as I said when I joined, the only thing I absolutely committed to do, the one thing I'd never give up on, is going to the meetings. And sure enough, I got my mojo back. Something so funny, at our meeting two weeks ago, the topic was motivation. And I attended that meeting with a coworker who was in the same boat I was, and we sat next to my WW buddy who was in the same boat as us. When the meeting was over we just looked at each other and we all agreed it was fate. We were all touched by the topic and we were all willing to recommit. It was really awesome.

So, I recommitted, and the next week (last week) I lost .8 lbs. Then, this week, when I really hunkered down and applied myself, I lost 3 pounds. Wow!!!! So, amigos, I've lost 103 pounds! I'm firmly ensconced in the 100s now. Now I can make myself a new promise, so I'll have 2 promises that I will always keep.

I will always go to my meetings, and I will not let myself drift back below the 100s. Even if I didn't lose another pound after today (God forbid!), I would be happy because I am in such a better place that it hardly feels real.

Sort of makes sense, though, doesn't it? Even though I didn't plan it that way. I have one promise that got me to lose 100 pounds, and a second that will keep me there. Now I need to start focusing on a goal. THE goal. Not quite ready to commit to that, mostly because I haven't decided what it's going to be!!! I do know one thing. I know I'm going to get there.

One Hundred Pounds...

Alright amigos, you knew it was coming, you could sense the magic.

OK, in actuality seeing as I've already mentioned this to my reader and my other reader, it may not be news. And seeing as I called about 5 people and texted that many more, that may also make it not be news. But I don't know if I'll ever tire of actually saying it.

I've lost one hundred pounds. 100 pounds. 100 lbs. One hundred lbs.

I have lost one hundred pounds by following the Weight Watchers plan.

I honestly didn't think I would be this overwhelmed by it. I was at 96.8 last week, lost 3.2 this week (actually, it probably didn't work that way...I stayed the exact same the week before and sometimes I just think my body messes with me for kicks), and I was there.

There was all sorts of hoopla and such. I got a certificate of accomplishment (and if you think I'm not framing that sucker, well, you've got some nerve mister), a 100 pound charm for my keychain (it doesn't weigh 100 pounds, it just SAYS 100 pounds), a contraband WW "I Lost 100 Pounds" refrigerator magnet, and a sticker for my WW bookmark. The class applauded me, and asked me how I did it and I shared a bit of my story.

I'm not going to write much about it here, not right now. I just wanted to put it out there. I honestly wanted to roll all my windows down in my car and scream it to passersby. It's an amazing feeling.

Thanks for being with me for the ride. Which, I must say, has been awesome. I haven't settled on a final goal, and I'm not ready to do it yet. I'd say in order for me to be pretty comfy I'd like to lose maybe 60 more pounds.

60 pounds? I can do that.

Hitting my stride

I think I've hit a stride here amigos. Or something. I'm not sure. I haven't been struggling weight loss wise, per se. I lost this week and I'm currently at my lowest weight.

I think I've maybe hit the real endurance part of my weight loss journey. My therapist has a wonderful analogy that he uses often. He compares it to a marathon run. If you look at all 26 miles right at the start, you'll never finish. You can start out quickly but inevitably you hit rough patches. Then there's the middle part where you just maintain your pace, not too fast, not too slow. This is probably the hardest part of a marathon. Not that I've run one. But I do understand it. I've watched them on television. His descriptions make sense.

That's sort of how I feel about where I'm at weight loss wise. I'm losing, but slowly. I'm essentially mid-journey. I do believe that this is probably where Weight Watchers loses a lot of people.

I've made a promise to myself that this is not going to defeat me. I'm just going to keep going. I'm never, ever going back to where I was. Never. I've been working at this for far too long. 14 months and counting.

I'm doing and feeling things that I haven't done or felt in forever. First of all, I'm coming to grips with the fact that many of my clothes are too big for me. They don't just look big. Some of them look downright ridiculous. My jean jacket, for instance. I still wear it, because I'm cheap and don't want to buy another. But I'm swimming in it. I have copious pairs of underwear that are just too dang big. I've dropped another pant size. One of my favorite shirts, a damned expensive one I bought as a treat for myself last year, looks like a maternity top. I love that top. Can't wear it. My brassieres are just all over the place. I'm using the first row of hooks. Completely new to me.

I've also begun my life's dream. I started riding lessons. I had my first lesson on Saturday and it was better than I could have imagined. And my weight didn't enter in to any of it. It was a non-issue.

I've planned a trip to Great America. I haven't been to Great America since I endured the humiliation of having to get off a ride because I was too big. Yes amigos, that happened to me. You've never...I can't explain how that felt. You never want to feel that bad friends. You just never do. But I know that when I go this time, I'll be able to go on whatever I please. I haven't been to Great America in 7 years because of that last incident. And after that, I didn't care enough to change things in my life, I just resigned myself to the fact that I'd never go again.

I'm sort of wandering all over the place with this post, but in a way it's kind of how I've been feeling. I'm in the middle of this journey and I'm sort of looking at things from five thousand directions and trying to take it all in, and it's pretty hard to describe.

I just had an idea. I think I'm going to list what's changed in my life in the last 14 months.

-I'm thisclose to being able to shop for clothes that aren't in the Plus Size or Women's section of stores.

-I'm wearing size 16 pants. They're size 16W, but they're still size 16. 14 months ago I was wearing size 26.

-I've lowered my cholesterol 28 points. It is now at 191.

-I haven't had fast food of any kind, and I don't miss it. Here's a short list of what I haven't eaten in 14 months (things I used to eat regularly): Taco Bell, Culver's, Arby's, KFC, Burger King, Krispy Kreme, Steak n Shake, Sentry deli, bread pudding, frozen pizza, ice cream, tater tots, elephant ears, Sentry cut out cookies, peanut m and ms, Jimmy Johns, Oscars, Kopp's, Pick n Save baked goods, gigantic muffins, normal sized muffins, potato chips, full-fat popcorn, ultra mega-fat movie popcorn,

Do I miss this stuff? Just ask me. Go ahead, ask me. I'll wait.

Well, since you asked, no, I don't. I don't miss these things. I've found that I can easily live in this world without them.

-I've ridden a horse. I haven't ridden a horse in 17 or 18 years. I didn't dare. I wasn't in good enough shape, I was just too heavy. But this past weekend, I didn't just ride the horse. During my ground work (which I love), I RAN with the horse. The object was to get him up to a trot, and then stop. Well, you probably already know this, but horses cover a lot of ground. I had to essentially go almost top speed just to get him up to a trot! But I did it. And I didn't feel like I was going to die either. And I can't tell you the feeling it gave me, to have this beautiful horse running along side me. It was sublime. 14 months ago? Never would have happened.

-I can cross my legs.

-I can go up the stairs without thinking I'm going to die, and without my knees crying out for mercy.

-I'm buying clothes off the rack, as opposed to ordering them from catalogs. And I'm buying things because I like them, not because they happen to fit.

-I can walk into a department store and not feel ridiculous.

-My weight doesn't draw attention to me.

-I have short hair. I didn't realize how much I was letting my hair cover me up. It was just a way to disguise myself. I think I always knew that shorter hair looked better on me. For years I said that I was letting it grow because I was excited that it was coming in curly. Part of that is true. I love having curly hair. But the look now is the look I think I'm supposed to have. It feels right.

-I'm a full on fruit fanatic. I always prefer fruit over vegetables, but I have a core group of vegetables that I love too. I'm a produce nut, plain and simple.

-I'm more comfortable in my body.

-I don't dread restaurant booths, plane seats, amusement park rides, or my mother's sofa (she used to chide me about sitting on it because you could hear the springs; I'm not entirely sure what that means and why it's bad, but it's a non-issue)

-My dogs are in better shape. My literal dogs, not my feet. Although my feet are in pretty good shape too.

-I think I'm having a positive effect on others; I didn't intend this, but it just happens. If what I'm doing helps someone else lose weight, that's a reward you just can't quantify.

-I'm more active and I want to do things. I want to go out with my friends. I want to go see live bands.

-Not sure how this all comes into it, but my house is in better shape than it's ever been. I'm a better housekeeper! My house is nearly presentable at all times, no more dishes in the sink, no more newspapers lying around, or unmade bed. And it's become habit. I like living that way.

-Call me crazy, but my car gets better mileage. No lie.

-I'm a better cook.

-I've kept my promise to myself, to never miss a meeting. Even over the holidays, even when I knew I had a gain, I still went. The couple of times my meetings were closed because of the holidays, I just went on a different day.

I remember the day I joined Weight Watchers. I was resistant, but I also knew I was in desperate need of help. So I figured, if nothing more, I would go to the meetings. Come hell or high water, going to the meetings was the least I could do. And there was a part of me that said that even if it didn't work, if I continued to go to the meetings, it eventually might work. Well, I went, and it worked. And continues to work.

This list could probably go on and on. There almost isn't any aspect of my life that hasn't changed somehow, due to my weight loss. So, it's a work in progress, just as I am a work in progress.

Thanks for sticking around for the ride. And I hope you stay with me while I begin my second year as a weight watcher. There are a couple big things coming up you won't want to miss! I haven't mentioned numbers lately, but there's a biggie around the corner that I'll shout from the mountaintops when I reach it. I'll also blog about it. You can probably guess what it is (if I haven't actually already told you) but I don't want to jinx it by writing it here. So, just keep watching. It'll happen soon enough.

Now I'm off to do more life evaluation! And maybe some other stuff.

Tracking and things

Hey Amigos,

I figure I'd better blog about something or I may lose my faithful reader. So here I am! Happy?

It's been an interesting few weeks. My mom had her hip replaced 2 weeks ago. She was in the hospital for 5 days, and is now in transitional care and will stay there til next week, probably Wednesday. I'm responsible for getting her mail, taking care of her house and cat, etc. My brothers don't do it because my mom doesn't trust them to have access to her house when she's not there (and no, my brothers aren't adolescents; they're both in their 50s). My sister can only do some of it because she's allergic to cats.

I'm not complaining, it just makes for a busy couple of weeks, because I usually go and get her mail and bring it to her at the rehab facility on a daily basis, and it's not exactly around the corner. It's not incredibly far either, but it's a trip.

So I've been busy doing that. I also caught a cold. I rarely get sick, but I think this is the third illness I've had in a year or so (I'll have to go back and look at some of my blog postings, because I remember blogging about a cold that I had; and I certainly have not forgotten that stomach blow out thing I had in October which was newsworthy). Normally I'm as healthy as can be, never really get sick. And I'm surprised I'm saying this, but I almost feel like maybe I should have stayed home for a day or two during this cold. I didn't, though, because I have a ton of stuff to do here.

The weight loss is plugging along. I think I could officially say I've hit a plateau. Right now I'm .4 lbs heavier than I was 1 month ago. I've had losses in there, but I've had gains too. So, yeah, it's plateau time for me.

But, I know exactly why I'm on this plateau. It's completely 100% my own doing. This isn't a mystery. I haven't been tracking for about the last 2 weeks. Why? Because I've been eating things I shouldn't. As if not tracking them makes them not matter. You know, you can get away with that for a little while, but sooner or later it catches up with you. And that's where I'm at right now.

But, by some strange twist of fate, yesterday's meeting topic was TRACKING. Why it's important, why we do it, why we don't do it, reasons to do it. Tracking = weight loss. There's just no two ways about it. I think maybe I thought I could handle not tracking. I think I was a little cocky and thought that I could track in my head.

I will never again let myself reach that level of complacency. This is a battle for my life amigos. I can't be so flippant about it. I can't come as far as I have and then decide I can make my own rules. I'm NOT going back where I was.

I really and truly feel energized. I needed yesterday's meeting more than I've ever needed a WW meeting in my life, because this was the longest I'd ever gone without tracking, and look where it got me? I needed to hear what was said.

So, I'm going to continually, daily, ask myself "Do I want to track today?" And I will faithfully answer myself "If I want to lose weight I do."

I'm actually glad I came on here to blog amigos. This is good. I'm committing to these decisions. I'm taking control back. Isn't that funny? You think you're in control so you don't track, but really it's tracking that keeps you in control.

On another topic, tomorrow is my first riding lesson. I'm excited and apprehensive. We're going to go over ground work, saddling and proper seat. I do not yet know what style I'll be doing, English or western. I've only ever ridden western, and it's fine, but I'm intrigued by English and it seems to me that you're actually more involved with the horse when riding English. Less saddle and equipment, less between you and the horse.

And, as I write this, excitement has overtaken apprehension. :) Can hardly wait!

Well, I'll sign off. Good to be back amigos! Good to be recommitting, good to be picking up my journey where I left off.

Good for me!

I should leave the room when commercials come on...

A recent commercial just irks me.

There's some new vitamin formula out there, from one a day, made specifically for teens. Not just teens in general, there are separate formulas for girl teens and boys teens. The commercial says:

Complete Multivitamins for Teen Boys & Girls to Support:*

Healthy muscle function (for Him)
Healthy skin (for Her)

So, I guess girls' muscles don't need to function healthily, and boys' skin is healthy enough that they don't need vitamins to support it.

Honestly, WTF?

I'm not anti-vitamin. I take a multivitamin and a calcium supplement with vitamin D, both suggested to me by my doctor, a decision reinforced by my own research. And of course I'd never deny that there are some vitamins and minerals that are more beneficial to either sex.

But I also think our culture is a bit vitamin crazy. From what I've read, the body can only use so much of the vitamins in supplements, that after a certain point they become useless and our body just dumps the excess. To paraphrase from the book "Eat, Drink and Be Healthy," people in the United States have the healthiest urine in the world.

I really am so annoyed with this junk. I just find it sad that in this day and age these stereotypes are still being reinforced, and about things that are so basic and important. All kids want their skin to be healthy, whether they say it or not. Boy or girl, zits are no fun. Guys should not have to worry that they actually care about their skin, and girls shouldn't worry if they're interested in their damned muscle function.

Oh, I don't know what I'm saying. It's just a ridiculous thing. Honestly, how far is it from the old "My wife...I think I'll keep her!" that I saw when I was a kid?

What gets me more is that most people won't notice, or care. And on and on it goes.

There's a little more of me, I think.

Hey Amigos,

Been a while, hey? Busy I guess, or not much to say, or both.

The weight loss continues, slow and steady. I had some major struggles this weekend though, so this week could see a gain.

I had a yen for sweets that couldn't be sated. Then we celebrated my brother's birthday (aka: cake was had), and then yesterday, Sunday, I just got really depressed and couldn't quit eating. No pre WW binges, thank goodness. I just ate far too much of everything. I went to the vending machine twice on Friday. I ate an entire bag of peanut butter pretzels, a couple bags of rice cakes, I put real sugar on my strawberries. I just kind of lost it all around.

There's not much rhyme or reason to these episodes. They're just there, they occur and I have to work my way through them. I'm still most definitely feeling it today, but at least I have the structure of work, and I can keep a much better handle on my eating on a weekday. Weekends, I'm just left to my own devices, and, in the case of eating, I am in fact my own worst enemy.

Hopefully the depression will lift soon and I'll be back where I need to be. There were a few moments where I was really feeling my old self rearing up. Self-defeating conversations about the weight loss struggle, how long it's going to take me, how much I have to lose.

It's amazing that my conversations with myself are so negative sometimes. Self-sabotage, much? I mean, I'd never talk to anyone the way I talk to myself. It's so weird and strange. My therapist and I have hit on many things that are behind my negative self-talking, and we're working on it. It's some pretty deep stuff and I won't get into it here. I couldn't write a blog long enough to cover all of that crap.

There are definitely some good things going on too. I got to hang out with my nephew this weekend. He's five, and I absolutely love his guts. He's so adorable and funny and smart.

I also did a little baking. I've taken part in an "Eat Right Challenge" here at work, and our activity for this week was to bring a healthy snack to share at work. Another woman in my office is also doing it, and we both brought our stuff in today, which actually worked out really well! I brought a sweet (apple oat muffins) and she brought a savory (baked chips and fresh salsa).

I also made a crock pot full of lasagna yesterday. It's a new recipe, I haven't a clue how it turned out (can't tell much from that top layer), and I sort of messed up layering it because I ended up with a ton of tomato sauce that all had to be slopped on the top. I guess my 'divvying' skills aren't what I thought they were.

I made it with fat free ricotta, low fat mozarella, whole wheat noodles, crushed tomatoes and spinach. You know, you use the fat free in a dish like this and you can't even tell. And boy does it knock the points off. And it still tastes good! At least, I assume this will taste good. I did try a teeny bit last night, but you know how it is with lasagna. It's got to age a bit.

Appropos of absolutely nothing, here's my latest goof. I saw a special on some cable channel, current, I think? This band played at MoMA, it was amazing, I'd practically have killed to be there. Their version of this song made me cry. A lot. Hey, it was just that kind of weekend for me. I posted it on Facebook too. I'm not a big video fan, but this is pretty incredible.

Crabby

Every day I get closer and closer to going vegetarian.

I can say I'm mostly vegetarian. The only flesh food I currently have in my home are some pouches of tuna and a pouch of crab meat. I've lost track of how long they've been there, and they're probably not safe to eat anymore!

Everything else is either fruit or vegetable, or grain, or meat facsimile (I've got some soy crumbles and chik'n tenders in my freezer).

I never flat out decided that I'd eat this way. I can and have cooked with meat, albeit not in many, many years. Many years. But even before I thought of going vegetarian I knew meat wasn't really my bag. Raw chicken makes me want to puke. Hamburger is too gross to look at. Ground turkey stinks. It's just so much easier not to cook with meat. And cheaper. Oh, and fish? Too stinky, and I never knew what kind to get, and it just seems silly because you've just got this piece of fish on your plate, and you still have to have other things to round out your meal. Why not just make a meal out of all those other things?

I'd still occasionally buy a meat based soup, or chili, but lately I don't even do that. If left to my own devices I'd probably never make or buy meat ever again.

You know what got me thinking about all this again? A recent study I read about that says that crabs feel pain. Personally, I never really doubted that crabs feel pain. I find it complete baloney when anyone actually says 'this or that doesn't feel pain' because how could you ever, ever really know without actually being whatever it is you say doesn't feel pain? How can you be so sure? How do you actually know they're not suffering? And all suffering aside, who the heck am I to decide it's time for this or that to die?

I'll admit it, I love crab. I really do. Probably my favorite seafood. But aside from that, I've also always been a fan of the crab as an animal. They're cute, in a weird way, and all that walking sideways is just adorable. When I was in South Carolina there was a little crab on the beach next to where I was sunning myself. Occasionally he'd pop out of his little hole and toss some sand. I don't know exactly what he was doing in there, but he was sure busy. They're just cool animals, and I felt conflicted about eating them. I probably haven't had crab in 3 years.

To think that they're thrown into boiling water so we can eat them. We put them in our mouths and eat them. I don't want a crab to suffer because I like the way he tastes after he's been boiled alive.

It's not the easiest thing being vegetarian. I did go full on for about a year maybe 10 years ago, and I think my biggest problem is that I want everyone to be happy, so if someone makes a meal with meat in it, I don't want to disappoint them. Silly, I know. And something I don't like is having to explain to someone that I'm vegetarian. People don't freak out or anything, but you realize once you make the switch that there aren't a whole lot of them out there. Public support is not necessarily in your favor.

So, I still haven't committed. But every day I get one step closer. This is the closest I've been in a long while. It's those damned crabs, I tell you. Who would have thought that a crab is what would push me over the edge?

Lost in cyberspace

I found out something today that made me very, very sad. I had received an email from Guy Picciotto of Fugazi last summer. He's the guy in the orange shirt in the video on the sidebar over there.

I had sent the band an email telling them about a mention in a local magazine that one of their shows ranked in the top 10 shows ever to go down in Milwaukee. I was at that show, and it's in my top 5. Anyway, Guy is the one who opened the email and he sent the nicest response back. Nothing long or drawn out, just 'thank you' and telling me how much he appreciated hearing it, and that it amazes him that there's still a following (I had to restrain myself from writing back to him and repeating I LOVE YOU ad nauseum...).

Well, somewhere within the last month or so, I deleted the email. Not on purpose of course, but it's nowhere to be found. I've tried and tried. It's just not there anymore. It's not completely out of the realm of things that happen, considering the fact that my email account tells me frequently in urgent messages that I'm running out of room (I haven't yet determined if it's true or if it's just yanking me) and I'll frantically get rid of stuff I don't need.

Well, somehow, that email got put in with the stuff I thought I didn't need, and now it's gone.

I don't know, I know it's not the end of the world. But it was a really nice note, and the guy (Guy) wrote Margin Walker for crying out loud...he wrote some of the most brilliant lyrics I've ever heard...and what did I do? I deleted his email.

Sigh.

I momentarily toyed with sending another email in the hopes that somehow I'd hear back again, but I think that would just be getting weird.

And I realize this is something that probably means nothing to anyone outside of me, so it's not like this email gave me bragging rights or anything.

It just meant a lot to me, and now it's gone.

On a different note, I get weighed in tonight. No idea where things are going to go. I had a weird week. Some weird binging episodes (rice cakes) and some extreme exercise, so I just don't know.

I do think I'm in need of some new pants again. Getting ready to drop down another size, amigos.

Triggers

Hola Amigos,

So tired today, so very tired. I always stay up too late on Sunday nights, prolonging the weekend, I figure. This weekend went by way too fast and I was trying to squeeze out every minute I could. It doesn't really help...

Weight loss is going well. However, the list of things that I must acknowledge as triggers keeps growing and growing. Outpost, peanut butter, Outpost peanut butter, rice cakes (how flipping sad is THAT?), boxed cold cereal, any type of butter spread, cheese, eggs (eggs are a trigger...what can I say about that?), nuts of many types, Weight Watchers frozen novelties, Skinny Cow frozen novelties, generic frozen novelties, frozen dinners, Morningstar farms meatless convenience foods (like soy corn dogs, 'chik'n' tenders).

I'm OK with all of this. I just wish I could keep my wits about me around these foods. But I just can't amigos. If they're in the house I'm going to think about them, and if I think about them I'm going to eat them. How I wish I was one of those people who could just let something be. But I never could. I'd try, but I'd just keep eating whatever it is until it's gone.

But now I have them in writing, right here in black and white. The things I noted above cannot come into my house. Well, maybe eggs. I mean, I never really binge on eggs. I probably eat them more often than a person should, but I don't eat too many of them at a time. It's not like I fry up a dozen eggs and have them at one sitting or anything. They're just so dang easy.

What else is new here...I donated blood on Saturday. I didn't realize how long it had been since the last time I donated. They're all automated now. You still need a human to take your blood pressure and test your iron and all that. But the lengthy (and I mean lengthy) questionnaire they used to give you is now on a touch-screen computer. It was interesting. I did OK, but it was obvious it had been a while because I was pretty wiped out.

But I was reminded why I do it in the first place. People always need blood. The nurses were telling me about a patient who recently used 400 units of blood during one procedure. He was a hemophiliac and was having surgery to remove a 200 pound tumor. They'd put the surgery off as long as they could, until the risks of not doing it outweighed the risks of doing it. I can't even imagine, all that blood.

I'm B+. Only about 12% of the population have this blood type, so the need for my type is almost always 'critical.' It's been critical since I began donating blood in the late 80s. Just the nature of the beast.

After donating, you get to sit in the commissary and have some juice and some sort of snack. The goodies this morning were donated by Panera...couldn't pass that up. So I had a muffin top. It was actually a pretty reasonable portion, nothing outrageous. I also had a little OJ. Canned OJ. That just doesn't seem right, does it?

I came in to work this weekend too. I've been doing so much training that I was falling behind in other things. I just needed several hours to focus and get some stuff organized and off my desk. Thankfully it worked!

Yesterday I took my dogs for a long, long walk. I walk them individually. It's just easier. Between the two they are 130 pounds of dog and it's a bit overwhelming when you're trying to carry poop bags (containing actual poop) and keep things under control. And I like the individual time with them. They are both excellent walking companions. Stella and I were out for over an hour, and Ravi for just over a half hour, so we really got to enjoy ourselves.

Well, I'm rambling again. I've got stuff to do so I'll sign off. This all started as an acknowledgment of my triggers, so I'll wrap up by reminding myself of that fact. I've come too far to let my old habits take over again. So what if I've replaced my old, really bad triggers (Arby's, Culvers, Krispy Kreme) with not so bad triggers (rice cakes, nuts, cold cereal). The behavior is the same and it's the behavior I need to stop. Overeating is overeating, n'est-ce pas?

Bye WAC

Hey Amigos,

Well, I did it. I swallowed my pride and called up the Wisconsin Athletic Club and cancelled my membership.

It's strange how hard that was for me to do. I'm sad about it. It took me forever to make up my mind, and after I made my mind up to do it, it took me a couple additional days to actually do it.

Those feelings are being overshadowed now by a feeling of relief. I really couldn't afford it, amigos. Or, I just couldn't justify paying for it anymore. I used the WAC a ton, but when I experienced my knee injury last year there was precious little I could do other than swim (doctor's orders). Then came the surgery, and another set back. That was months away from the gym.

Ironically I think I actually injured myself at the WAC. Prior to that? No knee pain. Several months of workouts there? Knee pain.

Anyway, I started to get back into the groove of it mid to late last year. Hired a personal trainer, all that. But then all hell started breaking loose in the financial area, and the next thing I knew I was struggling to make it from paycheck to paycheck. It's never been a walk in the park, but it's also never been impossible.

It didn't affect my trips to the WAC, I kept up a couple visits a week. But then I started thinking, is what I'm paying really worth it for just a couple trips a week? I could have gone more I suppose, but I was doing so many other things. Things I legitimately want to do! Volunteering, walking my dogs, spending more time with my family.

I realize that exercise is key to weight loss. I'm living proof. I wouldn't be anywhere near what I've lost now if I didn't move as much as I do. But what I've been enjoying is walking. I walk on breaks at work. I walk my dogs around the neighborhood. I walk the mall after my WW meeting.

So, after much thought, I decided I'm just not cut out monetarily to be a member there. Actually, my first year there was a gift from my mother to begin with, bless her. And I do believe I got my money's worth. But right now I need the money.

I took a sacrifice on my Netflix as well and dropped down to the bare bones subscription. I figured that was a no-brainer considering I've had the same 2 movies at my house for a month and a half. When I do have the time to watch them, I don't FEEL like watching them!

It's a start.

I wish I was strong enough to get rid of some other things. Cable TV for instance. Land-line telephone. Prescriptions. But rather than chop something else out of my budget right away, I'm going to let this take effect.

I can get rid of cable. I've done it before. It's not that big of a deal. I think the problem is I've gotten hooked to DVR.

Anyway, no more gym for me amigos. I'll just be hoofin it from now on, I guess. My dogs will thank me.

Little Oaties

Remember how in my last post I said I ate to beat the band? Well, it showed in my weigh in last night. Not horribly (1.6 lbs) and I wasn't surprised nor was I disappointed. Just life, I said.

So how did I spend my evening after my meeting? I took my requisite walk around the mall (2 rounds), and went to Outpost to buy some snacks because I was hungry and Outpost being a natural foods cooperative I can't really do too much damage. Right?

Uhhh, no, that'd be wrong. Really really wrong. I bought 2 large chocolate chip cookies, a krispy type bar, a decadent brownie (which is the official name of said brownie, but it's the perfect descriptor), some falafel and a cookie they call 'little oatie' which is the organic equivalent of a Little Debbie oatmeal cream cookie (it's to DIE for). Ostensibly I had it in my head that I wouldn't eat all that last night, but...

I think you know the end of that chapter.

I think, sadly, I need to stay away from Outpost. I don't like the prospect because it's a locally owned cooperative (I'm a bona fide fully vested owner of this particular co-op), it's great, the food is incredible, and it's near by. I do know I can't give it up completely, or not until I can find Annie's Naturals Buttermilk Salad Dressing in some other location.

But, as my WW buddy Alabaster Mom so aptly said, Outpost is a trigger.

I never wanted to admit Oupost was a trigger. But I can't bury my head in the sand any longer. It's a trigger. I just need to be strong, walk into Outpost with a list (upon which I have not written "little oaties" of course).

Little Debbie oatmeal cream pies by any other name are still Little Debbie oatmeal cream pies, after all.

Lost weekend

Hey Amigos,

Well, I ate to beat the band this weekend. I was very good during last week and got a lot of walking in. I've been doing well this week since yesterday. Saturday and Sunday? Not so much. It was the annual Green Acres girls weekend in Door County. Always a fun time, with copious amounts of home made goodies (to which I contributed).

I ate so much, amigos. I lost track. Vegan chocolate rice krispie bars (more than I care to remember...they're just addictive), peanut butter pie, chick pea cutlets (YUM), triscuits, salads, brownies. I've actually managed to forget some of the other things (food blackout?). I didn't count a single point. I'm totally OK with that.

2 of my buddies came to get me Sunday (the angels that they are--thanks Ladies!), so I got a bit of a workout in at the hotel fitness room. Then yesterday I took 2 walks at work and took the dogs out (individually) when I got home. So I've been clocking activity points all over the place. Have I clocked enough to burn everything I ate? I highly doubt it. A girl can't eat half of a peanut butter pie and expect it to come flying off her butt just because she gets a little walking in.

But, like I said, I'm OK with it. It made for a fun weekend. The only bad thing was that the weekend corresponded with an inexplicable sugar craving I had. It's completely left me now. Figures, hey?

We shall see if my DC trip is reflected in my weigh in on Thursday. I hope it isn't, of course, but i won't be surprised or defeated if it is. This is what life's all about. If I can't cut loose and indulge occasionally I don't think I could live with this plan.

Complaining

Hey Amigos,

I've been a terrible blogger, I know. Mea culpa. Work has been an everloving nightmare. I've taken on a new project and am in the process of hiring 3 new student assistants. I'd explain in more detail the reasoning and inanity behind all of this, but I also want to keep my job. So, I'm doing what I need to do, but it does take over my life.

Thankfully it looks like the hiring is complete. Know what I love? Students who call and email multiple times, are all over you to come in and interview, tell you how much they need the job, how they want to start work right away, so then you offer them the job and they're all excited, so you get their paperwork rolling and then you never hear from them, and you end up sending them an ultimatum so that you can offer the job to someone who sincerely wants it. I know this is nothing new, people have been doing this from the first job interview that ever occurred. Well, I should say, inconsiderate people. Me, I've never done any such thing. Hand to God, it's the truth. I just think it takes a lot of cheek to dick me around and no matter how many times it happens it irks me.

I have a friend who says "You're surprised?" or things of that nature, they're college students, blah blah blah. I say, "tell me something I don't know." No, of course I'm not surprised. But that'll be the day when I actually accept this sort of thing as being OK. And I'd say 18 or 19 is a pretty young age to start pulling this kind of crap. In the words of George Costanza, "We're living in a society here."

What else, what else. I celebrated my 1 year anniversary of WW yesterday. Longest I've ever stuck with a program by a HUGE margin. I'm quite happy and content with it too, comfortable with the way the program works. This is the one, people. My weigh in this week wasn't particularly what I would have liked (up 2.2 lbs) but it's all part of the process. The receptionist at my meeting is the one who weighed me in. The woman has a room temperature IQ and never fails to screw something up. When I sat down I saw that she hadn't put my sticker for the week (that records weight loss, total weight, etc.) in my booklet. So I went back and she couldn't find it, which led me to assume (correctly I might add) that she'd adhered it to someone else's booklet. She was going on and on about how sometimes the system doesn't print a sticker and how next week the total will be OK and how it's just a glitch in the system. So I told her the check's in the mail and the dog ate my homework...

Puhlease. So a little while later she tracks me down and tells me that my sticker was indeed in someone else's booklet. I wasn't angry, but I wasn't happy either. All I could think of was the woman who actually got my sticker and the shock she must have felt at seeing what the total was, before realizing it wasn't her total (trust me, everyone looks at the numbers first, not the name). I'm still I'd say a good 50 lbs heavier than most women in the room and the woman who got my sticker wasn't a large woman.

Honest to God, I just can't have that woman weigh me anymore.

Apropos of nothing, I saw a commercial for a tv show that I've never watched but I understand it has quite a following, John and Kate plus 8. I guess they're a couple who had 2 kids, and then a set of sextuplets and they don't seem to mind whoring themselves and their children out on national television. (Apologies if you like the show...I just can't abide by it). The latest episode is about 2 puppies that they've added.

I had to suppress my urge to puke when I saw that commercial. Now I can't say for sure they didn't adopt these dogs. I don't watch it. But, they're not dogs. They're puppies. I'm not even sure if all their children are out of diapers (the sextuplets are very young). WTF are they doing getting puppies? It honestly makes me so bloody angry that I can hardly even write about it. There are thousands upon thousands of family friendly dogs, adult dogs, who would make an ideal pet for a large clan such as theirs. Why not adopt? Why not adopt a dog who is already house-trained, already kid-friendly, who won't put such a burden on a family? Of course, they have a television crew and probably have the money and the resources to have the pups professionally trained, boarded, put in day care, etc., so I guess it's all OK...

I was in Petsmart the other day. There was a woman there with a boxer puppy. And adorable brindle boxer pup. I love boxers. I love puppies. I'm not made of stone. But I didn't even crack a smile. I actually felt contempt. I know I shouldn't, but I did. But I know how many boxers there are looking for homes, I know there aren't enough homes for them all, and there are boxers being put to sleep as we speak because of overpopulation. How could I feel congratulatory toward a person who buys a pup? I can't wait until she moves/gets married/loses her job/has a baby or any of the other myriad things that happen to people that make it 'necessary' for them to abandon the animal they took in.

Sorry, I know this post is bitter, vitriolic, but I've honestly had it lately. Then yesterday I had to spend 4 hours at the adoption center...like nails on a chalkboard it is. We had someone apply who listed her address, but upon further questioning admitted that they didn't actually live there yet. When asked if there were other pets in the home they answered "I don't know." How does a person respond to that? This individual had never had a pet of their own, but wanted a 7 month old tortoiseshell kitten...

Then we had some tool come in at 10 minutes to close who immediately started complaining. We sent a few animals home yesterday and their cages were empty, not clean (a few pieces of kibble here and there, and some random fur) but weren't dirty. They were empty for Christ's sake. But the guys says "Don't you people clean around here?" One of our well-meaning volunteers started to explain. I, being jaded, just shut the guy out at that point. Essentially 80% of the people who walk in there know how to do the job we're doing better than we do, you see. I have to listen to all the arguments about how declawing is the best thing you can do for your pet, how cruel we are for keeping them in cages, how mean we are for asking people not to touch our cats, how our adoption policies are too stringent...

I'm so tired of it all. Just so tired. You'd never know it. I'm nice, polite and patient. I explain things as best I can. And I know people can and do leave there better educated. I think I know what my issue is. I probably shouldn't go there 3 weekends in a row, for 4 hours at a pop.

Again, sorry for the bitterness!!! I tend to keep this stuff to myself a lot, in the name of peace and customer service. Feels good to let it out occasionally.

Not much else is new. I'm going to Door County with some of my boxer buddies this coming weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. Even getting away for a weekend is welcome.

Alright, signing off now. Until next time!

Sorry for the silence!

Apologies, amigos! Sorry for being so silent. No particular reason, just didn't have much to say.

I actually don't have a lot to talk about right now either, but I figured I needed to put something in here.

Work has been nothing short of awful lately. I won't go into why, just that it stresses me out. My personal life has been so-so. Not great. A couple things were getting me down, and then it just started a spiral into depression. Last weekend was tough. Not to worry, though, I'm going to see my therapist on Monday, we'll talk all about it. It's sometimes hard to describe, how that all feels. It begins with negative thoughts, and those negative thoughts breed more negative thoughts, and then no matter how hard I try I can't get positive again.

It really sucks.

I'm feeling better though, so don't sweat it. And there's good stuff in there too, so don't sweat that either. Like my horse class. I had my last one on Monday, and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed all of it. Nice instructor, nice classmates (all 2 of them), nice horses. I've decided to take the plunge and will begin lessons in the spring. It's extravagant, to be sure, but it's also my dream. If fulfilling my dream means cancelling my cable TV or athletic club membership (and you can probably figure out which item will win THAT cage match), so be it. I don't really care. I want to learn to ride and I'm going to do it.

I have done a lot of work and research, and I am comfortable in saying that the people who own the stables and run the barn are really, really good. Everything about what they do is above board. They live on the property, steps from the horses. They have a viewing area where you can watch the lessons. Their horses are incredibly well cared for, and seem quite content and happy. They practice natural horsemanship. And one of their instructors sort of specializes in people like me. Women of a certain age who are fulfilling their desire to work with horses. It's just the perfect place for me.

So that's good.

I'll be sure to let you know all about what I'm learning. I think the semester starts in April, so I have a month or so to get prepared. I would like to lose some more weight and have every intention on doing just that.

Speaking of which, the weight loss is good. The setback I had over the holidays is still affecting my total (just that it takes about 3 times as long to lose it as it did to gain it), but I've gotten back in the groove and have been consistently losing. I've got a big, big milestone coming up, so that's my next goal.

I'm going to sign off now. Just wanted to pop in and give you an update. I'll try and come up with something better next post.

Adios!

Horse Class!

Hey Amigos,

Did I tell you all that I was taking a class called "The Wonderful World of Horses"? I can't remember and I'm too lazy to go looking at older posts. ANYway, I had my second class last night, and we actually got to work with one of the horses, and I'm absolutely in LOVE with them, even more than I ever have been. Last night it was abundantly clear that horses are my thing.

Our instructor, Rosanne, had us simply move the horse, a beautiful red mare. First with just our words and body language, no reins or rope (we weren't ON the horse, this was strictly ground work). It didn't work for me at first. I was trying to get her to turn right and she just kept lifting her massive head over my puny one so I'd end up on her other side. So, I changed things up. I moved back a little and clucked my tongue at her and just generally started walking into her, and sure enough she turned for me. That was cool. Then Rosanne put a bridle on her with a rope attached. This time I was to hold the rope and make sure that she didn't move! I think that's a lot of what working with horses is. Getting them to go where you want, and getting them to stay out of where you don't!

This horse wanted to be near us, so she definitely wasn't just going to stand there. So as soon as I saw her begin to take a step I just put my hand up and said "No." Not loudly, but firmly. And sure enough, she was right at attention and stayed put. I think my work with dogs gave me just the right amount of firmness and assuredness. Not that working with dogs and horses is that similar. You need some of the same skills, it's the psychology of the animal that makes the difference.

Then I had to hold the rope with her next to me, and keep still while ensuring she didn't go anywhere. Not as easy as it sounds, but I did it.

I told Rosanne what was so hard is that what I really want to do is hug the horse! I haven't ever gotten that out of my system, I just want to walk up to them, put my arms around their neck and hug them and pet them, talk to them, hang out with them.

Yeah, I've got a problem. That little 8 year old girl who fell in love with Black Beauty and Misty of Chincoteague and Fury is still in me.

I have learned SO much in just these 2 classes. I won't go in to everything I've learned, it's just too much. Bottom line, I love it. The instructor is awesome, so knowledgeable, calm and patient. And the other 2 women in the class are so super nice. I thought I may have been at a disadvantage because they both know the owners (one woman's daughter is taking lessons; the other woman actually was taking lessons but suffered a fall and is slowly working her way back). But I've been welcomed with open arms and feel on equal footing with everyone.

I even have homework! I need to clip ads for horses for sale, because next week we're going to talk about actually purchasing and owning a horse. Not that I could ever do that, but it's all part of the process, and stuff that I should know.

Next week I'll be doing more actual hands on work, and I can hardly wait!

Not too much else is new. Doing well on the old weight loss front. I am very near a milestone and am hoping to blow past it this week. Think light thoughts amigos.