Hungry

Yup, I'm hungry today. I've done pretty well so far, well within my points and whatnot. But I'm hungry. And sometimes when you're hungry you just don't want an apple. Actually, an apple can make you downright hostile.

But, I decided to eat an apple anyway, which I just finished, and the nice thing is, I'm not hungry anymore. So I was able to satisfy my hunger, and without the guilt that would go along with eating, say, pop tarts. Another small victory in my road to health.

As of Thursday I've lost 26.8 pounds. I got a little 25 lb medal and a little sneaker for exercising, both of which I've put on my keychain.

25 lbs is great, but 28 lbs will be a milestone for me. 28 lbs is the most I ever lost on any program. I was in college and between my sophomore and junior years I had gotten pretty heavy (well, relatively; I think I weighed 182 or something). So I dropped the 28 lbs and then just got stuck at 154. Now this was back in the mid-80s. I think nowadays (and according to some research I've done) 154 would be perfectly acceptable for someone like me. When I say I'm big boned, I mean it. I'm 5'5" and I've had size 9 feet since I was 12. Back then I remember my goal was something like 125. And I stayed at 154 for months, even though I was following the program (the new defunct Diet Workshop) trying desperately to get there. Eventually I gave up. I actually kept my weight under control for quite a while, but then, somewhere in the mid-90s, it all went to hell.

So 28 lbs has a significance for me. I feel like if I can move beyond it, it won't bug me anymore. Because it always has! I can't fully even explain why, but I've never, ever forgotten that number. And I was probably only 20 when I lost that weight. But it's never left me, and I sometimes wonder if I would have kept it off had I known that 154 is an acceptable weight for me. I was striving for what was probably impossible.

This is an interesting journey amigos. It's been just over 8 weeks, and I feel like I have a handle on the program. I won't lie, though. It's tenuous. There's always a binge waiting for me right around the corner. Thankfully I've developed some coping mechanisms and have been able to stave them off. No drive-through, no deli, no doughnuts.

I don't think it's hurt me that the price of food has gone haywire. But I firmly believe that I would be eating better regardless, because it's the right thing to do. And I don't feel deprived, which is probably one of the most important aspects. I can indulge myself. Like yesterday, I had pizza over at my brother's place. I didn't eat as much as I would have in the past, but I had a reasonable portion. I had a couple slices of fried eggplant. I had a bit of ice cream and a couple cookies. These are all things I'm allowed to have, it's just a matter of how much. So yesterday I planned to save up some of my points for the evening, in case things got ugly. Well, they didn't. I probably ate more than I should have, but I still stayed within an acceptable range, and that's the important thing. I would have been miserable if I hadn't been able to join them. It may not have manifested itself right away, but something would have happened down the line to make up for it.

So, yeah, here I am. Working through this journey minute to minute. But I'm going to keep moving amigos. What choice have I got? Seriously. Think about it. Do this, or stay where I was (and probably gain more weight). Well, I just couldn't stay where I was. It was all wrong. And this, this I can live with.

Hola Amigos,

Sorry I've been a bit silent. I've been terribly busy at work and just not that much has been going on.

I had my first successful transaction on eBay recently. I lost an earring, not that I am that attached to things, but this was a very special earring and a gift from my mother that I'd had for years. So after much desperation and gnashing of teeth I thought I'd check eBay, and voila, there they were! I almost couldn't believe my luck.

So I started bidding and it actually got pretty high, much more than I'm sure they're worth. But I was dogged, I needed to replace these. So I went higher and ended up being the highest bid. So, when there's 18 minutes to closing, what happens? I find the earring I lost. I had thought I may have tossed it, and I happen to go through a bag of stuff just on the off-chance that it was in there. It was a million to one shot. St. Anthony comes through again.

So I tried in vain to opt out (that far into bidding and the only way to opt out is if the seller says you can). The thing is, I don't mind much having 2 pair of these earrings. They're nice and cute. But do I want to spend (and I'm too embarrassed to tell you what I'm spending on these) on them?

But, I went through with it, of course. I wasn't going to not honor my obligation as high bidder. Anyway, that's just typical of stuff that happens to me.

Something funny, I'm on a committee here (though I don't remember a). being nominated, b). accepting the nomination and c). being elected), and we're trying to set up a meeting. It's also evaluation time. So I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow morning at 10. The person setting up the committee meeting comes to see me and asks if I could meet tomorrow morning. I said no, I've already got a meeting in the morning. So, what does he say?

"Does 10:00 work for you?"

WHA? And I know he heard me, he joked about this meeting being more important than my evaluation meeting (which of course it isn't). So...wha???

My DVD player broke. I'm not surprised, it was the floor model and probably 7 years old, but I did think it had a little more life in it. I ended up getting this tiny, basic Philips DVD player from Target for dirt cheap, and it seems to do the trick. The first thing I watched on it was a few episodes of The Wire. So, I have to ask, what's the big deal? I didn't think the show was that great. I've only seen 2 episodes from the first season, but it really didn't grab me. It seemed a bit like how Law and Order would be if S. Epatha Merkeson and Sam Waterston dropped f-bombs every other word. I'm going to give it a shot though. I'm just so glad to have a working DVD player I'll watch just about anything.

So this is all pretty random. I'll close by letting you know that I'm going to my WW meeting tonight. I'm 2.8 lbs away from losing 25 lbs. I really hope I make it to that number tonight. It would feel significant. I had a couple moments this week where I ate a bit too much, but I believe I recorded everything honestly and I was still within a good range. That's what I love, they've built in a bit of binging somehow.

I saw my shrink on Monday and asked him what he thought my chances of succeeding in the prorgam were. He said "You're succeeding right now." :) I thought that was pretty sweet. I love my shrink. He reminds of the guy who played Jesus in Godspell.

OK, gotta run. Til next time.

WW, my iPod, etc.

Hey Amigos,

Got weighed in yesterday. I'm down 2.2 pounds, so I've lost a total of 22.2 pounds. Something very numbery about that number. It wasn't the best of weeks for me. I just ate too much of stuff. I had these really good WW snacks and just od'd on them. But, I was also very active this week, which I believe would explain the increase in my hunger. So there you go.

Still feeling enthused about WW. Except there were a couple of folks who shared with the group yesterday who just bugged the hell out of me. For example, a woman offered that she loves biking because it makes her ass tight. Those were her exact words. "It makes my ass tight."

Now I'm no prude, but I do have self-respect enough not to talk about myself like that in a room full of strangers. Sorry, that just rubbed me the wrong way. And then she just kept going, continuing to talk about how she needs a new bike because she topped out on hers and blah blah blah. And I thought to myself, 'this woman has absolutely nothing to say that I want to hear.' Maybe I'm being harsh, but hey, that's a hell of a way to introduce yourself to a group who is trying desperately to lose weight.

See, my group is ostensibly designed for people who need to lose 100+ pounds. I'd say out of about 30 people, me and maybe 3 other people (on a good day) could stand to lose 100 pounds. I'm not saying that people who need to lose less have it easy. But there are some considerations that need to be made. We're in a different place. And if it's specifically for 100+, I guess I just wish there were more of 'my kind' there.

I still like the group leader and I like the program, and I have no intention of not going to meetings just because some windbag discusses her tight ass. But to my mind the only discussion of asses should have been the fact that she was chapping mine.

On another note, my iPod died recently, RIP. The battery went all haywire on me. It was the strangest thing. I'd power it up, then it would lose power, then it would have 1/2 the power, then all, then none, and so on and so on. The worst thing was when it would lose power altogether, because it would automatically and inexplicably reset the volume to maximum. See, it took awhile for that to sink in. This is a very quiet room, so I'd be minding my own business and then there'd be this short blast of music and I'd jump 6 feet in the air. Like they don't think I'm weird enough already.

So I brought it to the Apple store (conveniently located down the aisle from my WW meeting) and they gave me a new iPod. They don't do the replacing of batteries, but just take the old one and you get a new one. I'm sure they won't look at it, but I kind of wished I'd purged my music library. It's a bit odd and slightly embarrassing. I don't have Boxcar Willie on there or anything, but it is a little glimpse into myself that I'm not sure I want to share with just anyone!

Cake...

I wish I'd talked to my buddy Alabaster Mom prior to having that second piece of birthday cake. You were RIGHT, dead on right! (See comment to yesterday's post). I was down .2 lbs this week. It's still a loss, and I'm glad that I didn't go in the other direction, and now I can actually say that I've lost 20 lbs since I started WW, since that's what it brought me to. But do I think I would have had a better week if I hadn't had that run in with the cake? Oh, you bet your bippy I do.

I'm still happy, still enthused about the program, still enjoying my meetings, still plan on following the program. But I have no intention of having cake any time soon. Thankfully it shouldn't be hard to avoid. It's not a regular on any of my menus.

So, that was my weigh in this week. I told you amigos, we're in for a long, long journey, so get comfortable. :)

And stay away from cake if you can. It's evil. EVIL.

Not that you asked or are interested, but I feel like telling you I'm a person who can eat the same thing every day, and I pretty much do. Here's my daily menu, during the week (weekends are a bit more flexible).

Breakfast:

Quaker instant oatmeal, cinnamon-spice (this is DELICIOUS), w/ a splash of soy milk.
Coffee with a splash of soy creamer

Mid-morning:

Banana, sometimes eaten along with a Weight Watchers peanut butter bliss bar, or possibly a chocolate caramel bar. More than likely just eaten solo, though.

Lunch:

Broccoli slaw w/2 tbsp. light mayonnaise and 1/8 cup of sunflower seeds
Some sort of fruit, and possibly a WW bar of some kind

Mid-day:

Fruit of some kind (1 or 2 pieces) and maybe a WW bar

Dinner:

Spinach salad with 1/4 c. fat free cheese and 1/8 c. sunflower seeds, and 2 tbsp. of Annie's goddess dressing (it's not low fat or anything, but it's SO good, I could drink it)
Usually some kind of soup, either home-made (like right now I'm working on a crock-pot full of vegetarian split pea soup) or a can of healthy choice (not nearly as good, and only if I'm in a hurry and don't have anything prepared).
If I'm still hungry I'll nuke a Morningstar farms veggie burger and have that on some whole wheat toast w/mustard.

Evening:

I usually can't make it through an evening without some sort of snackie. I've been having a WW cookies n cream bar, or something of the sort, or possibly 2 depending on how many points I have left.

And that's a typical day. That's essentially what I've been eating since I started.

Weekends I tend to eat a couple meals out. Also, I don't eat at the same times on weekends. Sometimes I'll have breakfast really late and just not have lunch at all, just because that's how my appetite works.

But the above eating is what's gotten me where I am, and I have no qualms in saying that, boring as it may seem, it's kept me completely satisfied.

I'll have to post some of my recipes. I love making stuff in my crock pot. I'm a total 'dump it all in' type of cook. I hate chopping and sauteeing and frying. If I see a crock pot recipe that requires anything other than the crock pot itself to make, I won't get near it.

So, yeah...this post kind of wandered off on me, didn't it...

I'll sign off here, before I completely jump the track!

Another weigh in day...

So, here I am on another weigh in day. I did...OK this week. Not great. I can't say I didn't follow my program, and I didn't blow through all my weekly points. But I made some bad choices, admittedly. My brother turned 50 and for some reason I found it necessary to eat 2 pieces of his birthday cake. Part of the reason behind that is that my mother made the frosting herself, and better frosting you've never had. Rich and chocolate-y, and with that little extra something that says 'mom made this.' I also overindulged when I went out for Indian food. It's so hard not to! Everything is so flavorful and delicious, and the bread, well, an Indian meal isn't complete without the bread. So I have no clue what the scale will hold in store for me. Like I said, I didn't blow through all my points, and I'm pretty sure I recorded everything accurately. But I doubt there'll be a significant change between last week and this. That's OK. Really, it's fine. I can't expect to have stellar weight loss every week.

I find that I still have stumbling blocks, there are still foods that make me a little bonkers, and I still have trouble with portions. I also have probably been eating too many snacks. They're all weight watchers snacks, and they're all pretty good point wise, but honestly, I think I rely on them WAY too much.

But I've done lots right this week too, so I'm not discouraged or disappointed. This is the real world, and I'm learning how to live in it. I mean, it's not like my brothers are going to stop having birthdays, or that I'll never eat Indian food again.

I've made many really positive changes, things that are becoming habit. I have always been a big supporter of breakfast. But for the longest time I just wasn't giving myself enough time in the morning to eat it. So I've adjusted a few things and now I have a bowl of oatmeal every day, except when I go out to breakfast on Sundays. I've also been bringing my lunch every day. That's a really good idea, and a money saver, but again, I didn't plan my days or my shopping well enough to have lunch every day. So I've made a few minor changes there, and I've brought lunch with me to work every day since I started WW. I never had much trouble making sure I drank all my water. I try to remember to take my vitamins, but that's a bit harder for me to do. I just forget so often. But I do eat a lot of fruit and veg throughout the day, usually 4 servings, if not 5.

So yeah, I'm learning, I'm changing. This is the longest I've stuck with something in years and years and years. Probably at least 20 years. That in itself is encouraging.

I couldn't do it without you amigos. My friends, my champions. Honestly. I think that's the most important thing I've learned. That to be successful in this endeavor, I need support. It's too hard to do on my own, just too hard. So any success I have, I share with you.

update

Hey Amigos,

I forgot to give an update on my WW meeting from Thursday. Well, I'm now down 19.8 pounds.

I'm very happy about it. There are some discouraging things that I really have to talk about. I won't let them defeat me, but I can't pretend they're not there either.

First, I have a long, long way to go. Second, while I realize 20 pounds is a lot of weight for anyone to lose, when you're as big as I am, well...it makes a difference, but it's not life changing. I mean, I know some people who need to lose 20 pounds and there they are.

Don't get me wrong. It's great and I'm happy. But I've got a very long road ahead of me.

I did pretty well over the weekend, but it could have been better. My brother turned 50 so we had a celebration, plus I went out to eat yesterday, Indian food. It's so hard for me to stop eating Indian food once I start! It's so delicous. And then there's the rice... But I did well. Instead of ordering pakoras I got a cup of lentil soup, which was new for me. And I didn't order my favorite bread, poori (the puffed up kind) but got a naan.

I'm still overindulging in bars and WW ice cream and such, but it's making the transition to proper eating easier, and I'm still within my points, so I'm not quite ready to change that.

And here I am back at work. It was a lovely weekend, and it looks like another lovely day today. OH, except now the dang brewers fans are around making my life miserable. My street becomes jam packed with cars on game days. And it's not because the parking lots are full. It's because people are cheap. And a lot of the bars and restaurants around here have shuttles to the games. You know, the legal length a car is supposed to be parked from a drivway is 4 feet. I'm lucky if they've left 4 inches. But what a treat it is to take the dogs for a walk and see all those orange tickets. :) What they saved in $7 worth of parking is going to cost them $30. I mean, yesterday there were cars parked and blocking a city bus stop. There are signs everywhere that tell you that you can't park there. But there they were, and I'm thinking, OK idiot, now the bus has to stop in the middle of the street to pick up passengers, just because you didn't feel like shelling out money to park.

Am I bitter? Sure!

Beautiful day!

What a beautiful, beautiful day. I've done a few things already and feeling smug and full of accomplishment. It's amazing what little things can bring me such joy.

Nothing too exciting, actually, but fun stuff for me. First I went to the bank, and then I went to the monthly plant sale at Interiorscapes. It was the usual madness, but honestly you can't find better prices on plants. I used to have black fingers, but somewhere along the line they've turned green and I can't get enough plants into my home. I have one that is clear to the ceiling. I think I must have close to 30 houseplants, even though I live in a very small space. But they add such life and spirit. Yeah, you probably guessed that I'm one of those people who talk to their plants. If I think one is having a hard time I'll give them a pep talk (which has worked on everything except ivy...I always kill ivy). I give my palm plant a shower every couple weeks. I apologized to my ficus when I plucked a branch and it emitted sap (or ficus milk, or whatever). I felt like I hurt it. I try very hard not to upset my ficus. Don't tell him I said this but they're very fussy and temperamental and prone to losing leaves and dying easily, so I feel honored that he's chosen to do so well in my care. So, I guess I'm crazy.

Then I went to Stein's to get a new birdfeeder. The one I have has no more perches left and I feel bad just watching the little buggers struggle to stay on.

Then I went and spent some time with my mom, who lives by Stein's. We had a nice chat, but her cat (whom I love) didn't find it necessary to visit me so that was a bummer.

Then I got home and leashed up the dogs and took them for a nice walk to the mailbox. It's the first decent walk we've had since a). I unjured myself and b). we've been covered under a blanket of snow and ice. It did all three of us good. And nobody had any meltdowns until a kid down the block from me came out rollerblading with her unleashed puggle. But, all in all a good time.

Now I've got work to do around here. How nice to be able to open my windows and let some of that fresh spring air in. I think I'll go out and have a nice chat with the lawn.

Long week

Hola Amigos,

I'm back after a rough couple days. Just something that happened at work, but it was bad enough to keep me down. I'm coming out of it now.

So, let's see. Well, Tuesday didn't turn out quite like I'd hoped. Scott Walker is still, unfortunately, Milwaukee County Executive.

Oh, I'm not even going to discuss it, it just makes me too damned mad.

I put an Obama sticker on my car yesterday. I'm counting the days until some uber Republican rips it off, just like they ripped off my John Kerry bumper sticker. The best thing was that I had a virtual stash of them, so as quick as they tore it off I had an identical one to put in its place.

I've got a pile of Obama stickers just waiting...

Oh, and I was in the drive through at Culver's once (pre-WW of course) where some nice gentleman yelled "Feingold sucks!!!" to me. It took me a minute and I remembered that I had a Feingold sticker on my car. Feingold sucks? FEINGOLD sucks??? Who is this guy, this idiot, to say Feingold sucks? As if he's done anyting worthwhile with his life other than harass women alone in their cars who happen to have political bumper stickers.

What kind of moron would yell that to a complete stranger??? I wish I'd had my wits about me. As it was, I didn't have a snappy comeback. But my friend Tony gave me a great idea, on the off chance that someone else ever yells at me in a drive through. He said I should have just turned my car off and sat there. Shoot, what are they going to do? If they had the guts to talk to me (people are always willing to act like assholes in the safety of their own car, but it's a whole other story when they're with you face to face) I'd just tell them "It's the weirdest thing. My car stalled. It won't budge." You know, I'd have done it too. Seriously. That's something I could have handled. Even if it meant missing out on the concrete chocolate malt I was getting.