Crabby

Every day I get closer and closer to going vegetarian.

I can say I'm mostly vegetarian. The only flesh food I currently have in my home are some pouches of tuna and a pouch of crab meat. I've lost track of how long they've been there, and they're probably not safe to eat anymore!

Everything else is either fruit or vegetable, or grain, or meat facsimile (I've got some soy crumbles and chik'n tenders in my freezer).

I never flat out decided that I'd eat this way. I can and have cooked with meat, albeit not in many, many years. Many years. But even before I thought of going vegetarian I knew meat wasn't really my bag. Raw chicken makes me want to puke. Hamburger is too gross to look at. Ground turkey stinks. It's just so much easier not to cook with meat. And cheaper. Oh, and fish? Too stinky, and I never knew what kind to get, and it just seems silly because you've just got this piece of fish on your plate, and you still have to have other things to round out your meal. Why not just make a meal out of all those other things?

I'd still occasionally buy a meat based soup, or chili, but lately I don't even do that. If left to my own devices I'd probably never make or buy meat ever again.

You know what got me thinking about all this again? A recent study I read about that says that crabs feel pain. Personally, I never really doubted that crabs feel pain. I find it complete baloney when anyone actually says 'this or that doesn't feel pain' because how could you ever, ever really know without actually being whatever it is you say doesn't feel pain? How can you be so sure? How do you actually know they're not suffering? And all suffering aside, who the heck am I to decide it's time for this or that to die?

I'll admit it, I love crab. I really do. Probably my favorite seafood. But aside from that, I've also always been a fan of the crab as an animal. They're cute, in a weird way, and all that walking sideways is just adorable. When I was in South Carolina there was a little crab on the beach next to where I was sunning myself. Occasionally he'd pop out of his little hole and toss some sand. I don't know exactly what he was doing in there, but he was sure busy. They're just cool animals, and I felt conflicted about eating them. I probably haven't had crab in 3 years.

To think that they're thrown into boiling water so we can eat them. We put them in our mouths and eat them. I don't want a crab to suffer because I like the way he tastes after he's been boiled alive.

It's not the easiest thing being vegetarian. I did go full on for about a year maybe 10 years ago, and I think my biggest problem is that I want everyone to be happy, so if someone makes a meal with meat in it, I don't want to disappoint them. Silly, I know. And something I don't like is having to explain to someone that I'm vegetarian. People don't freak out or anything, but you realize once you make the switch that there aren't a whole lot of them out there. Public support is not necessarily in your favor.

So, I still haven't committed. But every day I get one step closer. This is the closest I've been in a long while. It's those damned crabs, I tell you. Who would have thought that a crab is what would push me over the edge?

Lost in cyberspace

I found out something today that made me very, very sad. I had received an email from Guy Picciotto of Fugazi last summer. He's the guy in the orange shirt in the video on the sidebar over there.

I had sent the band an email telling them about a mention in a local magazine that one of their shows ranked in the top 10 shows ever to go down in Milwaukee. I was at that show, and it's in my top 5. Anyway, Guy is the one who opened the email and he sent the nicest response back. Nothing long or drawn out, just 'thank you' and telling me how much he appreciated hearing it, and that it amazes him that there's still a following (I had to restrain myself from writing back to him and repeating I LOVE YOU ad nauseum...).

Well, somewhere within the last month or so, I deleted the email. Not on purpose of course, but it's nowhere to be found. I've tried and tried. It's just not there anymore. It's not completely out of the realm of things that happen, considering the fact that my email account tells me frequently in urgent messages that I'm running out of room (I haven't yet determined if it's true or if it's just yanking me) and I'll frantically get rid of stuff I don't need.

Well, somehow, that email got put in with the stuff I thought I didn't need, and now it's gone.

I don't know, I know it's not the end of the world. But it was a really nice note, and the guy (Guy) wrote Margin Walker for crying out loud...he wrote some of the most brilliant lyrics I've ever heard...and what did I do? I deleted his email.

Sigh.

I momentarily toyed with sending another email in the hopes that somehow I'd hear back again, but I think that would just be getting weird.

And I realize this is something that probably means nothing to anyone outside of me, so it's not like this email gave me bragging rights or anything.

It just meant a lot to me, and now it's gone.

On a different note, I get weighed in tonight. No idea where things are going to go. I had a weird week. Some weird binging episodes (rice cakes) and some extreme exercise, so I just don't know.

I do think I'm in need of some new pants again. Getting ready to drop down another size, amigos.

Triggers

Hola Amigos,

So tired today, so very tired. I always stay up too late on Sunday nights, prolonging the weekend, I figure. This weekend went by way too fast and I was trying to squeeze out every minute I could. It doesn't really help...

Weight loss is going well. However, the list of things that I must acknowledge as triggers keeps growing and growing. Outpost, peanut butter, Outpost peanut butter, rice cakes (how flipping sad is THAT?), boxed cold cereal, any type of butter spread, cheese, eggs (eggs are a trigger...what can I say about that?), nuts of many types, Weight Watchers frozen novelties, Skinny Cow frozen novelties, generic frozen novelties, frozen dinners, Morningstar farms meatless convenience foods (like soy corn dogs, 'chik'n' tenders).

I'm OK with all of this. I just wish I could keep my wits about me around these foods. But I just can't amigos. If they're in the house I'm going to think about them, and if I think about them I'm going to eat them. How I wish I was one of those people who could just let something be. But I never could. I'd try, but I'd just keep eating whatever it is until it's gone.

But now I have them in writing, right here in black and white. The things I noted above cannot come into my house. Well, maybe eggs. I mean, I never really binge on eggs. I probably eat them more often than a person should, but I don't eat too many of them at a time. It's not like I fry up a dozen eggs and have them at one sitting or anything. They're just so dang easy.

What else is new here...I donated blood on Saturday. I didn't realize how long it had been since the last time I donated. They're all automated now. You still need a human to take your blood pressure and test your iron and all that. But the lengthy (and I mean lengthy) questionnaire they used to give you is now on a touch-screen computer. It was interesting. I did OK, but it was obvious it had been a while because I was pretty wiped out.

But I was reminded why I do it in the first place. People always need blood. The nurses were telling me about a patient who recently used 400 units of blood during one procedure. He was a hemophiliac and was having surgery to remove a 200 pound tumor. They'd put the surgery off as long as they could, until the risks of not doing it outweighed the risks of doing it. I can't even imagine, all that blood.

I'm B+. Only about 12% of the population have this blood type, so the need for my type is almost always 'critical.' It's been critical since I began donating blood in the late 80s. Just the nature of the beast.

After donating, you get to sit in the commissary and have some juice and some sort of snack. The goodies this morning were donated by Panera...couldn't pass that up. So I had a muffin top. It was actually a pretty reasonable portion, nothing outrageous. I also had a little OJ. Canned OJ. That just doesn't seem right, does it?

I came in to work this weekend too. I've been doing so much training that I was falling behind in other things. I just needed several hours to focus and get some stuff organized and off my desk. Thankfully it worked!

Yesterday I took my dogs for a long, long walk. I walk them individually. It's just easier. Between the two they are 130 pounds of dog and it's a bit overwhelming when you're trying to carry poop bags (containing actual poop) and keep things under control. And I like the individual time with them. They are both excellent walking companions. Stella and I were out for over an hour, and Ravi for just over a half hour, so we really got to enjoy ourselves.

Well, I'm rambling again. I've got stuff to do so I'll sign off. This all started as an acknowledgment of my triggers, so I'll wrap up by reminding myself of that fact. I've come too far to let my old habits take over again. So what if I've replaced my old, really bad triggers (Arby's, Culvers, Krispy Kreme) with not so bad triggers (rice cakes, nuts, cold cereal). The behavior is the same and it's the behavior I need to stop. Overeating is overeating, n'est-ce pas?

Bye WAC

Hey Amigos,

Well, I did it. I swallowed my pride and called up the Wisconsin Athletic Club and cancelled my membership.

It's strange how hard that was for me to do. I'm sad about it. It took me forever to make up my mind, and after I made my mind up to do it, it took me a couple additional days to actually do it.

Those feelings are being overshadowed now by a feeling of relief. I really couldn't afford it, amigos. Or, I just couldn't justify paying for it anymore. I used the WAC a ton, but when I experienced my knee injury last year there was precious little I could do other than swim (doctor's orders). Then came the surgery, and another set back. That was months away from the gym.

Ironically I think I actually injured myself at the WAC. Prior to that? No knee pain. Several months of workouts there? Knee pain.

Anyway, I started to get back into the groove of it mid to late last year. Hired a personal trainer, all that. But then all hell started breaking loose in the financial area, and the next thing I knew I was struggling to make it from paycheck to paycheck. It's never been a walk in the park, but it's also never been impossible.

It didn't affect my trips to the WAC, I kept up a couple visits a week. But then I started thinking, is what I'm paying really worth it for just a couple trips a week? I could have gone more I suppose, but I was doing so many other things. Things I legitimately want to do! Volunteering, walking my dogs, spending more time with my family.

I realize that exercise is key to weight loss. I'm living proof. I wouldn't be anywhere near what I've lost now if I didn't move as much as I do. But what I've been enjoying is walking. I walk on breaks at work. I walk my dogs around the neighborhood. I walk the mall after my WW meeting.

So, after much thought, I decided I'm just not cut out monetarily to be a member there. Actually, my first year there was a gift from my mother to begin with, bless her. And I do believe I got my money's worth. But right now I need the money.

I took a sacrifice on my Netflix as well and dropped down to the bare bones subscription. I figured that was a no-brainer considering I've had the same 2 movies at my house for a month and a half. When I do have the time to watch them, I don't FEEL like watching them!

It's a start.

I wish I was strong enough to get rid of some other things. Cable TV for instance. Land-line telephone. Prescriptions. But rather than chop something else out of my budget right away, I'm going to let this take effect.

I can get rid of cable. I've done it before. It's not that big of a deal. I think the problem is I've gotten hooked to DVR.

Anyway, no more gym for me amigos. I'll just be hoofin it from now on, I guess. My dogs will thank me.

Little Oaties

Remember how in my last post I said I ate to beat the band? Well, it showed in my weigh in last night. Not horribly (1.6 lbs) and I wasn't surprised nor was I disappointed. Just life, I said.

So how did I spend my evening after my meeting? I took my requisite walk around the mall (2 rounds), and went to Outpost to buy some snacks because I was hungry and Outpost being a natural foods cooperative I can't really do too much damage. Right?

Uhhh, no, that'd be wrong. Really really wrong. I bought 2 large chocolate chip cookies, a krispy type bar, a decadent brownie (which is the official name of said brownie, but it's the perfect descriptor), some falafel and a cookie they call 'little oatie' which is the organic equivalent of a Little Debbie oatmeal cream cookie (it's to DIE for). Ostensibly I had it in my head that I wouldn't eat all that last night, but...

I think you know the end of that chapter.

I think, sadly, I need to stay away from Outpost. I don't like the prospect because it's a locally owned cooperative (I'm a bona fide fully vested owner of this particular co-op), it's great, the food is incredible, and it's near by. I do know I can't give it up completely, or not until I can find Annie's Naturals Buttermilk Salad Dressing in some other location.

But, as my WW buddy Alabaster Mom so aptly said, Outpost is a trigger.

I never wanted to admit Oupost was a trigger. But I can't bury my head in the sand any longer. It's a trigger. I just need to be strong, walk into Outpost with a list (upon which I have not written "little oaties" of course).

Little Debbie oatmeal cream pies by any other name are still Little Debbie oatmeal cream pies, after all.

Lost weekend

Hey Amigos,

Well, I ate to beat the band this weekend. I was very good during last week and got a lot of walking in. I've been doing well this week since yesterday. Saturday and Sunday? Not so much. It was the annual Green Acres girls weekend in Door County. Always a fun time, with copious amounts of home made goodies (to which I contributed).

I ate so much, amigos. I lost track. Vegan chocolate rice krispie bars (more than I care to remember...they're just addictive), peanut butter pie, chick pea cutlets (YUM), triscuits, salads, brownies. I've actually managed to forget some of the other things (food blackout?). I didn't count a single point. I'm totally OK with that.

2 of my buddies came to get me Sunday (the angels that they are--thanks Ladies!), so I got a bit of a workout in at the hotel fitness room. Then yesterday I took 2 walks at work and took the dogs out (individually) when I got home. So I've been clocking activity points all over the place. Have I clocked enough to burn everything I ate? I highly doubt it. A girl can't eat half of a peanut butter pie and expect it to come flying off her butt just because she gets a little walking in.

But, like I said, I'm OK with it. It made for a fun weekend. The only bad thing was that the weekend corresponded with an inexplicable sugar craving I had. It's completely left me now. Figures, hey?

We shall see if my DC trip is reflected in my weigh in on Thursday. I hope it isn't, of course, but i won't be surprised or defeated if it is. This is what life's all about. If I can't cut loose and indulge occasionally I don't think I could live with this plan.

Complaining

Hey Amigos,

I've been a terrible blogger, I know. Mea culpa. Work has been an everloving nightmare. I've taken on a new project and am in the process of hiring 3 new student assistants. I'd explain in more detail the reasoning and inanity behind all of this, but I also want to keep my job. So, I'm doing what I need to do, but it does take over my life.

Thankfully it looks like the hiring is complete. Know what I love? Students who call and email multiple times, are all over you to come in and interview, tell you how much they need the job, how they want to start work right away, so then you offer them the job and they're all excited, so you get their paperwork rolling and then you never hear from them, and you end up sending them an ultimatum so that you can offer the job to someone who sincerely wants it. I know this is nothing new, people have been doing this from the first job interview that ever occurred. Well, I should say, inconsiderate people. Me, I've never done any such thing. Hand to God, it's the truth. I just think it takes a lot of cheek to dick me around and no matter how many times it happens it irks me.

I have a friend who says "You're surprised?" or things of that nature, they're college students, blah blah blah. I say, "tell me something I don't know." No, of course I'm not surprised. But that'll be the day when I actually accept this sort of thing as being OK. And I'd say 18 or 19 is a pretty young age to start pulling this kind of crap. In the words of George Costanza, "We're living in a society here."

What else, what else. I celebrated my 1 year anniversary of WW yesterday. Longest I've ever stuck with a program by a HUGE margin. I'm quite happy and content with it too, comfortable with the way the program works. This is the one, people. My weigh in this week wasn't particularly what I would have liked (up 2.2 lbs) but it's all part of the process. The receptionist at my meeting is the one who weighed me in. The woman has a room temperature IQ and never fails to screw something up. When I sat down I saw that she hadn't put my sticker for the week (that records weight loss, total weight, etc.) in my booklet. So I went back and she couldn't find it, which led me to assume (correctly I might add) that she'd adhered it to someone else's booklet. She was going on and on about how sometimes the system doesn't print a sticker and how next week the total will be OK and how it's just a glitch in the system. So I told her the check's in the mail and the dog ate my homework...

Puhlease. So a little while later she tracks me down and tells me that my sticker was indeed in someone else's booklet. I wasn't angry, but I wasn't happy either. All I could think of was the woman who actually got my sticker and the shock she must have felt at seeing what the total was, before realizing it wasn't her total (trust me, everyone looks at the numbers first, not the name). I'm still I'd say a good 50 lbs heavier than most women in the room and the woman who got my sticker wasn't a large woman.

Honest to God, I just can't have that woman weigh me anymore.

Apropos of nothing, I saw a commercial for a tv show that I've never watched but I understand it has quite a following, John and Kate plus 8. I guess they're a couple who had 2 kids, and then a set of sextuplets and they don't seem to mind whoring themselves and their children out on national television. (Apologies if you like the show...I just can't abide by it). The latest episode is about 2 puppies that they've added.

I had to suppress my urge to puke when I saw that commercial. Now I can't say for sure they didn't adopt these dogs. I don't watch it. But, they're not dogs. They're puppies. I'm not even sure if all their children are out of diapers (the sextuplets are very young). WTF are they doing getting puppies? It honestly makes me so bloody angry that I can hardly even write about it. There are thousands upon thousands of family friendly dogs, adult dogs, who would make an ideal pet for a large clan such as theirs. Why not adopt? Why not adopt a dog who is already house-trained, already kid-friendly, who won't put such a burden on a family? Of course, they have a television crew and probably have the money and the resources to have the pups professionally trained, boarded, put in day care, etc., so I guess it's all OK...

I was in Petsmart the other day. There was a woman there with a boxer puppy. And adorable brindle boxer pup. I love boxers. I love puppies. I'm not made of stone. But I didn't even crack a smile. I actually felt contempt. I know I shouldn't, but I did. But I know how many boxers there are looking for homes, I know there aren't enough homes for them all, and there are boxers being put to sleep as we speak because of overpopulation. How could I feel congratulatory toward a person who buys a pup? I can't wait until she moves/gets married/loses her job/has a baby or any of the other myriad things that happen to people that make it 'necessary' for them to abandon the animal they took in.

Sorry, I know this post is bitter, vitriolic, but I've honestly had it lately. Then yesterday I had to spend 4 hours at the adoption center...like nails on a chalkboard it is. We had someone apply who listed her address, but upon further questioning admitted that they didn't actually live there yet. When asked if there were other pets in the home they answered "I don't know." How does a person respond to that? This individual had never had a pet of their own, but wanted a 7 month old tortoiseshell kitten...

Then we had some tool come in at 10 minutes to close who immediately started complaining. We sent a few animals home yesterday and their cages were empty, not clean (a few pieces of kibble here and there, and some random fur) but weren't dirty. They were empty for Christ's sake. But the guys says "Don't you people clean around here?" One of our well-meaning volunteers started to explain. I, being jaded, just shut the guy out at that point. Essentially 80% of the people who walk in there know how to do the job we're doing better than we do, you see. I have to listen to all the arguments about how declawing is the best thing you can do for your pet, how cruel we are for keeping them in cages, how mean we are for asking people not to touch our cats, how our adoption policies are too stringent...

I'm so tired of it all. Just so tired. You'd never know it. I'm nice, polite and patient. I explain things as best I can. And I know people can and do leave there better educated. I think I know what my issue is. I probably shouldn't go there 3 weekends in a row, for 4 hours at a pop.

Again, sorry for the bitterness!!! I tend to keep this stuff to myself a lot, in the name of peace and customer service. Feels good to let it out occasionally.

Not much else is new. I'm going to Door County with some of my boxer buddies this coming weekend. I'm really looking forward to it. Even getting away for a weekend is welcome.

Alright, signing off now. Until next time!