Just for kicks I figured I'd clue you all in as to what my iPod says are my "Top 25 Most Played Songs." I don't personally know that I've listened to these all that much, but my iPod is a smart little bugger and I'm sure it's right, so I'll defer to its calculations.
The weird thing is that there are songs here that I honestly don't remember listening to that much. I like Gold Digger, it's a great song. But there are other Kanye songs I've listened to MUCH more than that ('Kanye's Workout Plan' anyone?). The same can be said for Bones of an Idol. Love it, but there are other NP songs I've played ad nauseum and they're not on here. How does my little iPod figure this out? Or am I forgetting to tell it something? No idea. Anyway.
Here goes:
1. "Silence Kit" Pavement
2. "Sieve Fisted Find" Fugazi
3. "Slo-Crostic" Fugazi
4. "Mojo Pin" Jeff Buckley
5. "Grace" Jeff Buckley
6. "Elevate Me Later" Pavement
7. "Phantasies" Stephen Malkmus
8. "Vague Space" Stephen Malkmus
9. "I Will Dare" The Replacements
10. "Buena" Morphine
11. "Jo Jo's Jacket" Stephen Malkmus
12. "Bones of an Idol" New Pornographers
13. "Troubbble (sic)" Stephen Malkmus
14. "Use It" New Pornographers
15. "Wake Up Mr. West" Kanye West
16. "Gold Digger" Kanye West
17. "Heard 'em Say" Kanye West
18. "Eternal Life" Jeff Buckley
19. "Pueblo" Pavement
20. "Honey" Morphine
21. "Spit on a Stranger" Pavement
22. "Waiting Room" Fugazi
23. "Margin Walker" Fugazi
24. "Suggestion" Fugazi
25. "Public Witness Program" Fugazi.
So...I like Fugazi. You got a problem with that?
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Permanently Deleted!
Hola Amigos,
I'm here and alive. Not much to report, other than I went to the doctor yesterday because my knee's been hurting like a bugger and he thinks I tore a tendon. So much for working out at the gym. I haven't gone for about a month (because it hurts) thinking that the pain would go away. Well, it didn't. And when I started limping I knew I had to do something. The doc (who is about 10 years my junior and absolutely to die for gorgeous) isn't 100% sure that's what it is, so I'm going for an MRI on Monday. It's definitely not arthritis. Actually, my joints looked great and I'm eternally grateful (in spite of my ample size, and I'm BIG, my health is remarkably good...though I do know I'm living on borrowed time and if I don't lose weight it will catch up with me).
I did do something meaningful yesterday. I essentially severed the last tie I had with J. I already took him out of all my address books (virtual and otherwise), I deleted all his emails and voicemails, I got rid of all the pictures. None of this was done in a crazy way or anything. I wasn't super angry and destroyed stuff. I just thought that having those things around would be trouble.
But there was one thing I couldn't do, not right away.
We met online about 8 years ago. IM and all that was in its infancy and I was just getting acquainted with the whole world of interactive cybery stuff. J and I met playing Yahoo backgammon. Shortly after we hit it off we each added each other to our messenger "friends" list. I won't bother to explain it because odds are anyone reading this knows what that is. So every morning for the past 8 years, when I'd log in at my work or home computer, Messenger would turn on and I could see whether he was online or not. We usually corresponded that way daily, throughout the day. Sometimes all day, sometimes just hello, sometimes just enough for him to tell me he was too busy to talk.
Well, I left him on my messenger. He was really the only person I spoke to with any regularity (other than a woman at work who moved and now she's in an entirely different time zone). I was so accustomed to seeing his name, his little smily face, and knowing he was there, and that all I (or he) had to do was send a little message. Sometimes we'd end up calling each other, sometimes we'd share photos or music. Sometimes we'd chat very seriously, other times it would be completely off the cuff. My favorite thing was if I had a financial question. That's his forte, and he loved talking about it, and I loved seeing him become passionate about it (what can I say, there's something unbelievably sexy about a person with a brain). Cyber or not, it was our connection.
I couldn't bring myself to change it. I couldn't remove him. 2 months now I've logged on every day and saw him. Naiively I thought maybe he'd message me to see how I was or something. He never did. He did at first, when he thought everything was ok, but when I stopped messaging him, he stopped messaging me.
I realize that I was the one keeping things going, and left to his devices, well, I'd disappear. But I STILL couldn't bring myself to delete him. It was the last piece of him I had.
So I sent a message to my friend Therese (she's logical, she's smart, and like me she's 42 and single) asking her, as a friend, to tell me why I need to delete him. And Therese did what she always does, which is answer me perfectly. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, and I was reminded what a dear good friend I have in her. The most telling thing she said was "No good can come of this" and I realized how right she was. What possible good is this doing me? I don't want to talk to him, and I don't want him back in my life. Yes, I miss him terribly, and I'm still very disappointed I won't get to see him in January. But does looking at his virtual presence online help? No, of course not. So I read Therese's email and immediately brought up messenger and deleted him from the list. It even asked me "are you sure?" and I paused and then did the inevitable, the move that could not be undone, the permanent deletion.
My friend Tracey at work (God I'm lucky to have such sage people in my life) said that maybe this was the thing that keeps me from what I really want. She didn't mean that I've been searching or sad, more that she was saying "things can't move forward until you do this." She also said that November is a time of ending. And I realize that's true too. At least for me (and her).
So anyway, Jeff (that's his name) is as gone as can be. I can't envision seeing or speaking with him ever again, and that's OK. It's the way it has to be. Of course there is a tiny part of me that hopes he's unhappy. I hope he looks at what he's done and who he's chosen to be with and realize what he's lost. I'm living a fool's paradise, I know. I don't think it's a man's nature (especially his) to do that. And from what he's told me about his past relationships and break ups, he doesn't have a clue that he ever did anything that caused them to happen. I'm not saying it's all his fault, but relationships don't occur in a vacuum. He's culpable to some extent.
Selfish of me to wish that.
You know, I can foresee him contacting me. If he does end up fathering a child with this woman (I still can't get over how weird it all is) I can see him telling me. I can actually see him doing that. If he does, this blog will be the first to know. I can see him thinking I'd be happy for him, for them. Yes, new life can be a wonderful thing. But that I couldn't handle. However it would be completely in character for him, and bless his heart, he would never understand how that would devastate me.
I won't get preemptively angry with him. It's easy to do that. I mean, he hasn't done it and chances are he won't. But it is possible. And if he does I'll deal with it then.
So it's as over as over can be. I never thought it would happen like this. But as my shrink said (yeah, I told him all about it) "After 8 years I'd say the relationship is about where it's going to be." I love my shrink. He's about 5'2" and cute as a bug's ear.
That reminds me, I'm going to write a post about my crushes one of these days, past and current. Some are pretty darned good.
I'm here and alive. Not much to report, other than I went to the doctor yesterday because my knee's been hurting like a bugger and he thinks I tore a tendon. So much for working out at the gym. I haven't gone for about a month (because it hurts) thinking that the pain would go away. Well, it didn't. And when I started limping I knew I had to do something. The doc (who is about 10 years my junior and absolutely to die for gorgeous) isn't 100% sure that's what it is, so I'm going for an MRI on Monday. It's definitely not arthritis. Actually, my joints looked great and I'm eternally grateful (in spite of my ample size, and I'm BIG, my health is remarkably good...though I do know I'm living on borrowed time and if I don't lose weight it will catch up with me).
I did do something meaningful yesterday. I essentially severed the last tie I had with J. I already took him out of all my address books (virtual and otherwise), I deleted all his emails and voicemails, I got rid of all the pictures. None of this was done in a crazy way or anything. I wasn't super angry and destroyed stuff. I just thought that having those things around would be trouble.
But there was one thing I couldn't do, not right away.
We met online about 8 years ago. IM and all that was in its infancy and I was just getting acquainted with the whole world of interactive cybery stuff. J and I met playing Yahoo backgammon. Shortly after we hit it off we each added each other to our messenger "friends" list. I won't bother to explain it because odds are anyone reading this knows what that is. So every morning for the past 8 years, when I'd log in at my work or home computer, Messenger would turn on and I could see whether he was online or not. We usually corresponded that way daily, throughout the day. Sometimes all day, sometimes just hello, sometimes just enough for him to tell me he was too busy to talk.
Well, I left him on my messenger. He was really the only person I spoke to with any regularity (other than a woman at work who moved and now she's in an entirely different time zone). I was so accustomed to seeing his name, his little smily face, and knowing he was there, and that all I (or he) had to do was send a little message. Sometimes we'd end up calling each other, sometimes we'd share photos or music. Sometimes we'd chat very seriously, other times it would be completely off the cuff. My favorite thing was if I had a financial question. That's his forte, and he loved talking about it, and I loved seeing him become passionate about it (what can I say, there's something unbelievably sexy about a person with a brain). Cyber or not, it was our connection.
I couldn't bring myself to change it. I couldn't remove him. 2 months now I've logged on every day and saw him. Naiively I thought maybe he'd message me to see how I was or something. He never did. He did at first, when he thought everything was ok, but when I stopped messaging him, he stopped messaging me.
I realize that I was the one keeping things going, and left to his devices, well, I'd disappear. But I STILL couldn't bring myself to delete him. It was the last piece of him I had.
So I sent a message to my friend Therese (she's logical, she's smart, and like me she's 42 and single) asking her, as a friend, to tell me why I need to delete him. And Therese did what she always does, which is answer me perfectly. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, and I was reminded what a dear good friend I have in her. The most telling thing she said was "No good can come of this" and I realized how right she was. What possible good is this doing me? I don't want to talk to him, and I don't want him back in my life. Yes, I miss him terribly, and I'm still very disappointed I won't get to see him in January. But does looking at his virtual presence online help? No, of course not. So I read Therese's email and immediately brought up messenger and deleted him from the list. It even asked me "are you sure?" and I paused and then did the inevitable, the move that could not be undone, the permanent deletion.
My friend Tracey at work (God I'm lucky to have such sage people in my life) said that maybe this was the thing that keeps me from what I really want. She didn't mean that I've been searching or sad, more that she was saying "things can't move forward until you do this." She also said that November is a time of ending. And I realize that's true too. At least for me (and her).
So anyway, Jeff (that's his name) is as gone as can be. I can't envision seeing or speaking with him ever again, and that's OK. It's the way it has to be. Of course there is a tiny part of me that hopes he's unhappy. I hope he looks at what he's done and who he's chosen to be with and realize what he's lost. I'm living a fool's paradise, I know. I don't think it's a man's nature (especially his) to do that. And from what he's told me about his past relationships and break ups, he doesn't have a clue that he ever did anything that caused them to happen. I'm not saying it's all his fault, but relationships don't occur in a vacuum. He's culpable to some extent.
Selfish of me to wish that.
You know, I can foresee him contacting me. If he does end up fathering a child with this woman (I still can't get over how weird it all is) I can see him telling me. I can actually see him doing that. If he does, this blog will be the first to know. I can see him thinking I'd be happy for him, for them. Yes, new life can be a wonderful thing. But that I couldn't handle. However it would be completely in character for him, and bless his heart, he would never understand how that would devastate me.
I won't get preemptively angry with him. It's easy to do that. I mean, he hasn't done it and chances are he won't. But it is possible. And if he does I'll deal with it then.
So it's as over as over can be. I never thought it would happen like this. But as my shrink said (yeah, I told him all about it) "After 8 years I'd say the relationship is about where it's going to be." I love my shrink. He's about 5'2" and cute as a bug's ear.
That reminds me, I'm going to write a post about my crushes one of these days, past and current. Some are pretty darned good.
Monday, November 19, 2007
My Latest Show
No, it's not a show I'm putting on, it's a show I've gotten into recently.
From the outside it would appear that I have incredibly juvenile taste in television shows. I'll be the first to admit I watch some weird stuff.
Let me give you some backstory. I'm a HUGE Space Ghost: Coast to Coast fan (and a Brak Show fan). So, that kind of got me started into the whole 15 minute cheap and funny cartoon programs. Oh, I love Beavis and Butthead too, so I guess maybe they started it. So as the years have gone by many other shows have been added to the genre, including Aqua Teen Hunger Force (LOVE that show), Squidbillies, South Park (to an extent), Family Guy. It turns out that I'm a big fan of silly, juvenile cartoon programs written by young (ish) men.
So lately I've been watching Metalocalypse. I'm not a metal fan, much. Every now and then I have a hankering for Metallica, or Guns n Roses or something, but it's not a regular indulgence. But this show is about a metal band, not so much the music. The name of the band is Deth Klok (which kills me). It is SO stupid and funny, surreal, bizarre. I like it so much I've dvr'd all upcoming episodes. So now I dvr ATHF, Squidbillies, Beavis and Butthead, and Metalocalypse. I know for a fact I don't in any way match their demographic. Statistically these shows attract a male crowd between 18 and 34. So what's a 42 year old woman doing watching???
Can't explain it, all I know is it's funny as hell. Like yesterday's episode; they hire a therapist to help them work through some issues. His name is Twinkletits. And let me explain to you, it's pronounced on the show as Twink-LET-its. See, that, to me, is hilarious. And one of the guys is named Murderface. And the lead singer is named Nathan Explosion. And that's not his stage name, that's his name.
This is sort of a pointless post. I just wanted to share my latest venture into television-land. No Two and a Half Men for me thanks. I've got tons of these 15 minute gems waiting for me. Not much investment and lots of laughs.
From the outside it would appear that I have incredibly juvenile taste in television shows. I'll be the first to admit I watch some weird stuff.
Let me give you some backstory. I'm a HUGE Space Ghost: Coast to Coast fan (and a Brak Show fan). So, that kind of got me started into the whole 15 minute cheap and funny cartoon programs. Oh, I love Beavis and Butthead too, so I guess maybe they started it. So as the years have gone by many other shows have been added to the genre, including Aqua Teen Hunger Force (LOVE that show), Squidbillies, South Park (to an extent), Family Guy. It turns out that I'm a big fan of silly, juvenile cartoon programs written by young (ish) men.
So lately I've been watching Metalocalypse. I'm not a metal fan, much. Every now and then I have a hankering for Metallica, or Guns n Roses or something, but it's not a regular indulgence. But this show is about a metal band, not so much the music. The name of the band is Deth Klok (which kills me). It is SO stupid and funny, surreal, bizarre. I like it so much I've dvr'd all upcoming episodes. So now I dvr ATHF, Squidbillies, Beavis and Butthead, and Metalocalypse. I know for a fact I don't in any way match their demographic. Statistically these shows attract a male crowd between 18 and 34. So what's a 42 year old woman doing watching???
Can't explain it, all I know is it's funny as hell. Like yesterday's episode; they hire a therapist to help them work through some issues. His name is Twinkletits. And let me explain to you, it's pronounced on the show as Twink-LET-its. See, that, to me, is hilarious. And one of the guys is named Murderface. And the lead singer is named Nathan Explosion. And that's not his stage name, that's his name.
This is sort of a pointless post. I just wanted to share my latest venture into television-land. No Two and a Half Men for me thanks. I've got tons of these 15 minute gems waiting for me. Not much investment and lots of laughs.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Born again from the rhythm, screaming down from heaven...ageless, ageless
Several years ago a friend at work loaned me a CD she thought I might like. It was "Grace" by Jeff Buckley. I took it home and listened to it. The next day I brought it back to her and proclaimed "He sings like a woman." Sandy replied "He does NOT sing like a woman!" And that was the end of my listening to Jeff Buckley.
So I thought.
A couple years after that I was listening to World Cafe one evening, just reading, not really paying attention to the radio. Then someone started playing a song. I was transfixed by what I heard. As it turns out, David Dye was playing a tape of a show where Jeff Buckley was a guest. I couldn't believe that I'd spurned him so quickly. I was mad at myself, because the music, the song he was playing, was extraordinary. And it was just him and a couple band mates playing in the studio for David Dye. The song Jeff performed was "Grace."
I immediately went and bought "Grace" the album the next day, and it's been a regular of mine for years and years. It was one of the first things I loaded onto my iPod. It's incredible. His voice is not of this world.
Jeff Buckley is dead. He was dead when I first heard "Grace." I never knew of him when he was living, and I regret that so much, to have missed the opportunity to see him play somewhere, or interviewed, or even play on SNL or something. I regret I didn't appreciate his music while he was actually making it. And I still feel a little foolish for turning my back on him the first time I heard him. What was I thinking? It's almost as if the album I heard that first time wasn't even the same album I heard later. Weird.
Jeff Buckley drowned in 1997 at the age of 30. It's horrible. Thinking about it makes me cry. Seeing his picture makes me cry. He was a beautiful person with the voice of an angel. A beautiful face, a beautiful mind, a beautiful voice. So tragic.
I like to think I do some little justice to his memory by telling people about him. To date I have converted 2 people from not even knowing of him to being official Jeff junkies. One is my friend Tracey, who is so open to new music that I know no matter what I give her she'll give it a try. She and I were talking and I had the cd here with me, and I asked her if she knew him. She didn't, so I started to tell her the story, and I actually got choked up. I wasn't bawling, but it was obvious I was fighting some tears when I told her about him. A few minutes into listening to it at her desk, she came over and told me "I can tell this is something special."The other convert is a former student of mine, who was probably only 8 or 9 when Jeff died. No idea he existed. She felt the same way, came in a day or 2 later and showed me her iPod with Grace downloaded onto it. Both of them hear exactly what I hear in Jeff. He was so special, a once in a lifetime artist. I can't say enough how much his music means to me.
Jeff would be 41 on Saturday. I didn't even realize that but I had been thinking of him (that kind of stuff happens to me--just enters my mind out of nowhere) and put Grace on in the car last night. And then this morning I did my usual web search to see what's up in the world of Jeff and found that his birthday is near.
Jeff didn't leave much more than Grace. He wasn't around long enough. Actually it's his only full length studio recording. If it were an album I'd have worn it down. I can't usually go more than a month or two without listening to Grace. If you don't like it, don't tell me, because I won't understand. I never judge anyone for liking or not liking something, but his stuff affects me so deeply that it's hard to think everyone doesn't feel the same way.
Happy Birthday Jeff.
So I thought.
A couple years after that I was listening to World Cafe one evening, just reading, not really paying attention to the radio. Then someone started playing a song. I was transfixed by what I heard. As it turns out, David Dye was playing a tape of a show where Jeff Buckley was a guest. I couldn't believe that I'd spurned him so quickly. I was mad at myself, because the music, the song he was playing, was extraordinary. And it was just him and a couple band mates playing in the studio for David Dye. The song Jeff performed was "Grace."
I immediately went and bought "Grace" the album the next day, and it's been a regular of mine for years and years. It was one of the first things I loaded onto my iPod. It's incredible. His voice is not of this world.
Jeff Buckley is dead. He was dead when I first heard "Grace." I never knew of him when he was living, and I regret that so much, to have missed the opportunity to see him play somewhere, or interviewed, or even play on SNL or something. I regret I didn't appreciate his music while he was actually making it. And I still feel a little foolish for turning my back on him the first time I heard him. What was I thinking? It's almost as if the album I heard that first time wasn't even the same album I heard later. Weird.
Jeff Buckley drowned in 1997 at the age of 30. It's horrible. Thinking about it makes me cry. Seeing his picture makes me cry. He was a beautiful person with the voice of an angel. A beautiful face, a beautiful mind, a beautiful voice. So tragic.
I like to think I do some little justice to his memory by telling people about him. To date I have converted 2 people from not even knowing of him to being official Jeff junkies. One is my friend Tracey, who is so open to new music that I know no matter what I give her she'll give it a try. She and I were talking and I had the cd here with me, and I asked her if she knew him. She didn't, so I started to tell her the story, and I actually got choked up. I wasn't bawling, but it was obvious I was fighting some tears when I told her about him. A few minutes into listening to it at her desk, she came over and told me "I can tell this is something special."The other convert is a former student of mine, who was probably only 8 or 9 when Jeff died. No idea he existed. She felt the same way, came in a day or 2 later and showed me her iPod with Grace downloaded onto it. Both of them hear exactly what I hear in Jeff. He was so special, a once in a lifetime artist. I can't say enough how much his music means to me.
Jeff would be 41 on Saturday. I didn't even realize that but I had been thinking of him (that kind of stuff happens to me--just enters my mind out of nowhere) and put Grace on in the car last night. And then this morning I did my usual web search to see what's up in the world of Jeff and found that his birthday is near.
Jeff didn't leave much more than Grace. He wasn't around long enough. Actually it's his only full length studio recording. If it were an album I'd have worn it down. I can't usually go more than a month or two without listening to Grace. If you don't like it, don't tell me, because I won't understand. I never judge anyone for liking or not liking something, but his stuff affects me so deeply that it's hard to think everyone doesn't feel the same way.
Happy Birthday Jeff.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Gettin' the apartment done...
I had no idea it had been a week since my last post. Nothing much has changed. I haven't picked up my eating habits much or at all in the last week. Alas I'm weak...it's so hard for me to get back into habits that I know are good for me.
I've been feeling pangs of loneliness regarding me and J. It's been about a month since I ended things with him and it's beginning to sink in, I guess. We'd go occasionally for periods of time w/o much correspondence, usually when he was in Europe doing business/family stuff. But we've never, as long as I've known him, gone anywhere near this long without something said between us.
Not that this is why I'm having trouble with my eating, of course, but it does sort of take the spring out of my step.
Does he miss me? Does he ever think of me? Something tells me that he doesn't. I'd like to think he does, but I'm not so naive to think it would ever happen. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a clue why I'm no longer seeing him (although I made it as clear as I could), and he's probably just as happy alone day by day as he ever was. Such is life.
Don't worry, I'm not crying in my beer over him either. But I do notice his absence, sometime acutely. And that's where we differ, I think.
What else...I've been busy coordinating all the work that needs to be done on my rental unit. On Friday the bedroom carpet was removed, and the hardwood sanded or buffed or whatever it is they do. For some reason it's the only room in the place that's hardwood. It looks great though. Better than my room with the mauve carpet does. Then yesterday I had to run home at lunch to let the hardroom guys back in to put a coat of finish on. And I stayed there to let them back in 2 hours later to put the second coat of finish on. Then I drove back to work.
Today I thankfully get a reprieve from contractors. Unfortunately, it starts all over again tomorrow. At 8:00 they're coming to rip out the carpet in the kitchen (yes, the people who built the place carpeted the damn kitchen...in dark brown no less) and the vinyl in the bathroom, and replace it with all new vinyl. So, I'll need to be there to let them in. Then Wednesday they'll be there to rip out the carpet in the living room and lay new stuff down.
But that's not all. Then I have to have the appliances (which I haven't bought yet) delivered, and I have to have the new fixtures (which I also haven't bought yet) put into the bathroom.
See, I thought I'd have November and December to do all this junk. But I was able to find a tenant who wanted in ASAP so now I'm coordinating all this crap in order to have the place completely habitable by November 19 (when he sells his house---he's getting a divorce). He's actually already living there. Or squatting, actually, just a sleeping bag. But it was either there or he'd have to live in the house with his ex and he just isn't up for that. So, he signed a lease starting Nov. 1 and has been slowly moving things in.
Can you believe this? I've been stressed out since I met the guy. No fault of his own, but to plan contractors in such a short amount of time, and pay all that money at once as oppposed to spreading it out over a couple months...well...it's stressing me.
I can't stand hiring contractors. I have a membership to Angie's List which has helped tremendously. I normally take my time and get at least 3 estimates, compare what I see, and go with whom I like. But this time out I had to get these people on the schedule pronto, so I got a recommendation from my friend Therese, checked them on Angie's List, went to the showroom and picked out stuff that evening and got them on my calendar the next day. This has been a real problem with my job too, I'm changing my schedule, taking unplanned vacation days...it's just been one thing after another.
And because of my time restraints I'm being somewhat half assed about some of it. Take the hardwood for example. When they first got there the guy removing carpet wasn't finished yet, so they said they'd have to reschedule (WHA?). I said no way, so they came by 2 hours later (even though the carpet puller outer was done like 20 minutes later), and that was 2 hours that I had to sit at home (not worth going back to work then). Then when they get there for the second time they point out this stain on the wood (that probably came from some illness on the part of my former tenant...frankly I don't really want to know). Then they started asking if I wanted to have it fixed and how that would mean they'd have to reschedule the sanding for another day, etc. And I thought, if this were my place, sure I'd spiff it up and I wouldn't care about the extra time. But I just couldn't. So I had them finish the floor with just buffing the stain out as best they could (which wasn't very good). I mean, of COURSE I wanted it fixed, but my time restraints are such that I couldn't get it fixed.
And the appliances? I plan on picking up the first thing I see that fits my budget.
Then there's all the residual crap my tenant left behind that St. Vincent's is coming to pick up but in the meantime is taking up 1/2 my garage and a 1/3 of the basement.
Sorry, babbling...it's just that I can't even begin to express, no matter how hard I try, just how annoying, how stressful, how all-consuming getting this apartment finished is.
Theoretically, everything should be done by Thursday afternoon. If it is, I'm going to smoke the biggest bong you've ever seen.
Kidding of course, I'm not a weed smoker these days. But if I was, jeez...
I've been feeling pangs of loneliness regarding me and J. It's been about a month since I ended things with him and it's beginning to sink in, I guess. We'd go occasionally for periods of time w/o much correspondence, usually when he was in Europe doing business/family stuff. But we've never, as long as I've known him, gone anywhere near this long without something said between us.
Not that this is why I'm having trouble with my eating, of course, but it does sort of take the spring out of my step.
Does he miss me? Does he ever think of me? Something tells me that he doesn't. I'd like to think he does, but I'm not so naive to think it would ever happen. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a clue why I'm no longer seeing him (although I made it as clear as I could), and he's probably just as happy alone day by day as he ever was. Such is life.
Don't worry, I'm not crying in my beer over him either. But I do notice his absence, sometime acutely. And that's where we differ, I think.
What else...I've been busy coordinating all the work that needs to be done on my rental unit. On Friday the bedroom carpet was removed, and the hardwood sanded or buffed or whatever it is they do. For some reason it's the only room in the place that's hardwood. It looks great though. Better than my room with the mauve carpet does. Then yesterday I had to run home at lunch to let the hardroom guys back in to put a coat of finish on. And I stayed there to let them back in 2 hours later to put the second coat of finish on. Then I drove back to work.
Today I thankfully get a reprieve from contractors. Unfortunately, it starts all over again tomorrow. At 8:00 they're coming to rip out the carpet in the kitchen (yes, the people who built the place carpeted the damn kitchen...in dark brown no less) and the vinyl in the bathroom, and replace it with all new vinyl. So, I'll need to be there to let them in. Then Wednesday they'll be there to rip out the carpet in the living room and lay new stuff down.
But that's not all. Then I have to have the appliances (which I haven't bought yet) delivered, and I have to have the new fixtures (which I also haven't bought yet) put into the bathroom.
See, I thought I'd have November and December to do all this junk. But I was able to find a tenant who wanted in ASAP so now I'm coordinating all this crap in order to have the place completely habitable by November 19 (when he sells his house---he's getting a divorce). He's actually already living there. Or squatting, actually, just a sleeping bag. But it was either there or he'd have to live in the house with his ex and he just isn't up for that. So, he signed a lease starting Nov. 1 and has been slowly moving things in.
Can you believe this? I've been stressed out since I met the guy. No fault of his own, but to plan contractors in such a short amount of time, and pay all that money at once as oppposed to spreading it out over a couple months...well...it's stressing me.
I can't stand hiring contractors. I have a membership to Angie's List which has helped tremendously. I normally take my time and get at least 3 estimates, compare what I see, and go with whom I like. But this time out I had to get these people on the schedule pronto, so I got a recommendation from my friend Therese, checked them on Angie's List, went to the showroom and picked out stuff that evening and got them on my calendar the next day. This has been a real problem with my job too, I'm changing my schedule, taking unplanned vacation days...it's just been one thing after another.
And because of my time restraints I'm being somewhat half assed about some of it. Take the hardwood for example. When they first got there the guy removing carpet wasn't finished yet, so they said they'd have to reschedule (WHA?). I said no way, so they came by 2 hours later (even though the carpet puller outer was done like 20 minutes later), and that was 2 hours that I had to sit at home (not worth going back to work then). Then when they get there for the second time they point out this stain on the wood (that probably came from some illness on the part of my former tenant...frankly I don't really want to know). Then they started asking if I wanted to have it fixed and how that would mean they'd have to reschedule the sanding for another day, etc. And I thought, if this were my place, sure I'd spiff it up and I wouldn't care about the extra time. But I just couldn't. So I had them finish the floor with just buffing the stain out as best they could (which wasn't very good). I mean, of COURSE I wanted it fixed, but my time restraints are such that I couldn't get it fixed.
And the appliances? I plan on picking up the first thing I see that fits my budget.
Then there's all the residual crap my tenant left behind that St. Vincent's is coming to pick up but in the meantime is taking up 1/2 my garage and a 1/3 of the basement.
Sorry, babbling...it's just that I can't even begin to express, no matter how hard I try, just how annoying, how stressful, how all-consuming getting this apartment finished is.
Theoretically, everything should be done by Thursday afternoon. If it is, I'm going to smoke the biggest bong you've ever seen.
Kidding of course, I'm not a weed smoker these days. But if I was, jeez...
Monday, November 5, 2007
Back to Basics
Today I decided to get my act together regarding my eating habits.
I fell into my old familiar pattern. I know how to eat well and I do eat well, all things considered. However, I've also got a very tenuous grasp on my food 'sobriety' (forgive me if there are any 12 steppers out there, but overeaters anonymous left some indelible marks on my vocabulary) and it doesn't take much to send me careening off into unhealthy eating habits. Actually, I'm not even sure what started my downfall this time. Splitting up with J? Maybe...I did (and do) feel mighty sorry for myself about that one. And I was being extra careful about my eating because I knew (or thought) we'd be getting together in a few short months, so when that motivator was taken away I figured I'd go for it and eat all the crap I'd been forgoing.
It's so EASY to eat wrong. It's everywhere. I'd have an easier time if I could just stop eating all together, honestly. But I can't do that. I have to eat to live, and that means that it all comes down to me and the choices that I make, and I'm a weak person.
I'm not weak in everything. Actually I think in many things I'm quite strong. I used to smoke, and I quit. I come from a family with addictions in the bloodline, and I've managed to steer clear of addictions to booze and drugs. I've admitted I needed help in the mental health area. It's like I have other things under control, but my damned eating is just...
Why does food have to taste so good?
At least I haven't fallen too far down the slippery slope. I'd say I lost it about 2 1/2 weeks ago, so there's hope for me. And I've started today right, and I'll just keep going.
Another reason I need to eat better is because it costs a lot of money to eat junk/conveniently, and I can't afford it these days. I've got an entire apartment to refloor. No kidding. The entire place needs everything torn out and new stuff put in. I'm not even going to tell you how much it is costing me. Thank goodness I had a cushion in case I lost my tenant, AND thank goodness that I can write this off on my taxes. I'd be hurtin' for certain if I couldn't.
My new tenant is actually partially residing in my rental unit, he's sort of squatting I guess. It all happened SO fast. I haven't even known him a week. He's getting a divorce and needed a place right away. My next door neighbor knows him and referred him to me. The cool thing is that for a consideration in his rent he'll be doing all the yardwork and snow throwing, etc. So like yesterday, I left the house to pick up my sister for dinner (it's her birthday) and there's Andy raking. I nearly cried. Yardwork and I are not friends.
So, now it's a matter of arranging all the painting and flooring and new appliances and bathroom fixtures with Andy's and my schedule. Seriously, I had planned on leaving the place vacant until January, to give myself time to get everything accomplished. That would have meant 2 months w/o rental income, but I figured I could swing it. Now I need to cram all the work in a few short weeks. Truthfully I don't mind. Sort of like pulling off a band aid, it's just better to do it fast.
My house is a little weird. It's not very well insulated between the apartments, so you can kind of hear a lot of what's going on in certain areas (kitchen and bedroom mostly). I didn't worry much with my former tenant because she was hard of hearing. But this is a young guy (late 20s?). I'm wondering how much it would cost me to have insulation blown between our walls. I mean, if Pat's (my former tenant) phone would ring in the kitchen, I could hear it in my house. She had a conversation in the bedroom once and I could hear her. Not every word, but I knew she was talking to someone. Thankfully having a geriatric next door meant that I wasn't stuck listening to nookie on a regular basis. And the fact that she was hard of hearing hopefully made the reverse the same for her (though she did make a few thinly veiled comments, especially when I was seeing a particularly lusty fireman...).
To that end, I've had a minor development in my love life. I have been in touch with someone who has been on the sidelines for me for a while. We've known each other for years. He was a person I knew, but sort of put on hold because of J (foolish me). I took a chance and contacted him last week. I did that for various reasons, and I'm not ashamed to admit that one of them was to boost my confidence after losing J.
The nice thing about A is that he's HERE, in town. Not far from me at all, actually, and he's funny and smart...and now I'm feeling foolish for putting him on a back burner while I cultivated a relationship that spanned thousands of miles and was going nowhere. A knows my whole story, which is good. He wasn't waiting for me or anything. I just had a "I wonder what he's up to?" moment. And it turns out that he was wondering the very same thing about me. So, who knows. We don't have any immediate plans to get together (we both have a lot on our plates, him because of his job and me because of all this apartment work) but we're talking about getting together before the month is up. In case you can't tell, I am a very, very patient woman (remember, J and I were back and forth for 8 long years). And A and I, neither of us are in a hurry.
Anyway, I just got finished with my apple (the last part of my lunch) so I'd better get back to work. Things are definitely moving and shifting in my life, and frankly, it feels pretty good.
I fell into my old familiar pattern. I know how to eat well and I do eat well, all things considered. However, I've also got a very tenuous grasp on my food 'sobriety' (forgive me if there are any 12 steppers out there, but overeaters anonymous left some indelible marks on my vocabulary) and it doesn't take much to send me careening off into unhealthy eating habits. Actually, I'm not even sure what started my downfall this time. Splitting up with J? Maybe...I did (and do) feel mighty sorry for myself about that one. And I was being extra careful about my eating because I knew (or thought) we'd be getting together in a few short months, so when that motivator was taken away I figured I'd go for it and eat all the crap I'd been forgoing.
It's so EASY to eat wrong. It's everywhere. I'd have an easier time if I could just stop eating all together, honestly. But I can't do that. I have to eat to live, and that means that it all comes down to me and the choices that I make, and I'm a weak person.
I'm not weak in everything. Actually I think in many things I'm quite strong. I used to smoke, and I quit. I come from a family with addictions in the bloodline, and I've managed to steer clear of addictions to booze and drugs. I've admitted I needed help in the mental health area. It's like I have other things under control, but my damned eating is just...
Why does food have to taste so good?
At least I haven't fallen too far down the slippery slope. I'd say I lost it about 2 1/2 weeks ago, so there's hope for me. And I've started today right, and I'll just keep going.
Another reason I need to eat better is because it costs a lot of money to eat junk/conveniently, and I can't afford it these days. I've got an entire apartment to refloor. No kidding. The entire place needs everything torn out and new stuff put in. I'm not even going to tell you how much it is costing me. Thank goodness I had a cushion in case I lost my tenant, AND thank goodness that I can write this off on my taxes. I'd be hurtin' for certain if I couldn't.
My new tenant is actually partially residing in my rental unit, he's sort of squatting I guess. It all happened SO fast. I haven't even known him a week. He's getting a divorce and needed a place right away. My next door neighbor knows him and referred him to me. The cool thing is that for a consideration in his rent he'll be doing all the yardwork and snow throwing, etc. So like yesterday, I left the house to pick up my sister for dinner (it's her birthday) and there's Andy raking. I nearly cried. Yardwork and I are not friends.
So, now it's a matter of arranging all the painting and flooring and new appliances and bathroom fixtures with Andy's and my schedule. Seriously, I had planned on leaving the place vacant until January, to give myself time to get everything accomplished. That would have meant 2 months w/o rental income, but I figured I could swing it. Now I need to cram all the work in a few short weeks. Truthfully I don't mind. Sort of like pulling off a band aid, it's just better to do it fast.
My house is a little weird. It's not very well insulated between the apartments, so you can kind of hear a lot of what's going on in certain areas (kitchen and bedroom mostly). I didn't worry much with my former tenant because she was hard of hearing. But this is a young guy (late 20s?). I'm wondering how much it would cost me to have insulation blown between our walls. I mean, if Pat's (my former tenant) phone would ring in the kitchen, I could hear it in my house. She had a conversation in the bedroom once and I could hear her. Not every word, but I knew she was talking to someone. Thankfully having a geriatric next door meant that I wasn't stuck listening to nookie on a regular basis. And the fact that she was hard of hearing hopefully made the reverse the same for her (though she did make a few thinly veiled comments, especially when I was seeing a particularly lusty fireman...).
To that end, I've had a minor development in my love life. I have been in touch with someone who has been on the sidelines for me for a while. We've known each other for years. He was a person I knew, but sort of put on hold because of J (foolish me). I took a chance and contacted him last week. I did that for various reasons, and I'm not ashamed to admit that one of them was to boost my confidence after losing J.
The nice thing about A is that he's HERE, in town. Not far from me at all, actually, and he's funny and smart...and now I'm feeling foolish for putting him on a back burner while I cultivated a relationship that spanned thousands of miles and was going nowhere. A knows my whole story, which is good. He wasn't waiting for me or anything. I just had a "I wonder what he's up to?" moment. And it turns out that he was wondering the very same thing about me. So, who knows. We don't have any immediate plans to get together (we both have a lot on our plates, him because of his job and me because of all this apartment work) but we're talking about getting together before the month is up. In case you can't tell, I am a very, very patient woman (remember, J and I were back and forth for 8 long years). And A and I, neither of us are in a hurry.
Anyway, I just got finished with my apple (the last part of my lunch) so I'd better get back to work. Things are definitely moving and shifting in my life, and frankly, it feels pretty good.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Up Too Late!
I dvr'd a movie the other night from the Sundance channel, it was called Mysterious Skin. I watched it yesterday when I got home from work. It was pretty interesting, well acted. There was an actor in it who for some reason reminded me of Heath Ledger. Well, then I started thinking about Heath Ledger, so I thought I'd watch Brokeback Mountain. It's incredibly sad, but so good, and I was really jonesing to see old Heath up there (hey, you're never too old for a little Hollywood crush). Then when that was over I figured I'd watch a little bit of my new dvd of Rushmore. So I put that in the dvd player and started it up. Well, it's almost impossible (for me, at least) to watch a little of Rushmore. I sat there and watched the entire thing.
So, I've been a complete zombie today. I stayed up WAY later than I should have. Couldn't help it. It's Rushmore, man!!
So I've just been a slug. I had a meeting this morning and have essentially been phoning it in since I got back from there. I'm looking forward to the clocks being set back this weekend, because then I'll be tired at 10:30, as opposed to 11:30, and I'll be less inclined to stay up until 12:30 (seeing as it will then be 11:30). I wonder if that's been my problem this whole time...
I haven't heard from J in several days. I wasn't contacting him myself, but he contacted me a few times, of course treating everything as normal, as if nothing transpired those few weeks ago. I wasn't rude but I wasn't my usual self either. So, now it's been several days and I'm hoping he just leaves me alone. Every day that passes I'm more resolved to just forget him.
These next few weeks are going to be surreal. I have to buy a new fridge and oven,
replace the floor in the bathroom and kitchen, get new carpet in the living room, get rid of the carpet in the bedroom and finish the hardwood underneath, buy
and install a new bathroom sink and vanity, change the locks and paint (not in that order). And, the person who wants to rent my place (I don't think I mentioned it, but I do have a prospective renter) wants to get in by November 19. That's an assload of stuff to do in a very short amount of time and I'm trying my darnedest to get everything on the calendar.
And you can't even say I procrastinated. The place was rented up until yesterday, so there wasn't a darned thing I could do but wait until everything was moved out. At least my new tenant wants to do the painting himself so that's a relief.
Not much to report really, just tired from my own personal movie marathon and anxious about getting things done on time. Wish me luck!
So, I've been a complete zombie today. I stayed up WAY later than I should have. Couldn't help it. It's Rushmore, man!!
So I've just been a slug. I had a meeting this morning and have essentially been phoning it in since I got back from there. I'm looking forward to the clocks being set back this weekend, because then I'll be tired at 10:30, as opposed to 11:30, and I'll be less inclined to stay up until 12:30 (seeing as it will then be 11:30). I wonder if that's been my problem this whole time...
I haven't heard from J in several days. I wasn't contacting him myself, but he contacted me a few times, of course treating everything as normal, as if nothing transpired those few weeks ago. I wasn't rude but I wasn't my usual self either. So, now it's been several days and I'm hoping he just leaves me alone. Every day that passes I'm more resolved to just forget him.
These next few weeks are going to be surreal. I have to buy a new fridge and oven,
replace the floor in the bathroom and kitchen, get new carpet in the living room, get rid of the carpet in the bedroom and finish the hardwood underneath, buy
and install a new bathroom sink and vanity, change the locks and paint (not in that order). And, the person who wants to rent my place (I don't think I mentioned it, but I do have a prospective renter) wants to get in by November 19. That's an assload of stuff to do in a very short amount of time and I'm trying my darnedest to get everything on the calendar.
And you can't even say I procrastinated. The place was rented up until yesterday, so there wasn't a darned thing I could do but wait until everything was moved out. At least my new tenant wants to do the painting himself so that's a relief.
Not much to report really, just tired from my own personal movie marathon and anxious about getting things done on time. Wish me luck!
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