First WW Christmas

Hey Amigos,

Christmas has come and gone, and I'm back to a relatively normal routine. I did attend a WW meeting on Saturday (my regular Thursday meeting didn't take place on account of it's Christmas), and I did indeed gain weight. No surprise. I did make quite merry on Christmas eve and day, and partook of goodies that I only ever see once a year (my mom's chow mein candy and bark, my brother's pecan pie, which is actually something I see maybe once a decade). I also had a run in with some cookies that I made (HUGE mistake--I won't be making cookies again any time soon).

Bottom line, I ate what I wanted and I didn't track anything.

Part of me is glad that I had these things that I really do like a lot. And I'm trying not to regret what I've done.

Another part of me is terrified because I felt that whole lack of control coming back. It's amazing how tenuous my hold on food 'sobriety' is. I could have continued on and on. And Christmas eve and day I pretty much did. It wasn't my best moment.

It's really difficult to explain my relationship with food. The tastes of these things is so overwhelming to me, but the actual enjoyment is so fleeting. I do not eat these things out of hunger, I know that much. It's a compulsion. I can't describe it any other way. The way an alcoholic needs a drink, that's how I feel about food. No offense to my reader if they have a drinking problem, I would never downplay a serious addiction like that. I truly mean what I say. That is the hold that food has on me. It becomes all consuming. And if the food is there, I'm going to eat it. Like the cookies I made. Until I got them out of my house I couldn't stop eating them. And some of the food that was here at work, it's the same thing. I know it's there, and as long as it's there I'm going to think about eating it, and may inevitably eat it.

I don't understand people who can control their eating without a struggle. For me it's an every minute of every day struggle. Thankfully, I've been winning. And even though I did have a gain this week, I don't feel defeated. I was on program yesterday and I'm on program today, and I see no reason that I won't be on program until my next weigh in.

The scariest thing is that I still have these feelings toward food even though I've been living the results of how eating well can change my life. I'm wearing clothes I couldn't wear a year ago. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. But still, I made trip after trip to the foods I wanted. WTF? I mean, really? How messed up IS that????

The fact is that I would still consider eating all the bad foods, my triggers, in spite of how much better I feel, how much better my health is, how much more I can do. Even though it's probably the worst thing for me, I still put that food in my mouth.

But, I will not beat myself up about this. It was Christmas. It's over. And all things considered, I really didn't do all that bad. I gave away the majority of cookies I made. I never opened the Godiva chocolate that I got, but gave it to my mother (who could frankly gain a few pounds...go figure hey? I dwarf my mother, I always have). I shared the food gifts I got at work with my students.

Most importantly, I went to my meeting. I went to my meeting. My buddy Alabaster Mom reminded me of how important that part actually is and after receiving an email from her, I realized that I'd inadvertently kept a promise to myself by going to the meeting.

I swore, at the beginning of this journey, that no matter what, come hell or high water, I wouldn't miss a meeting (unless I was bleeding out of my eyes, of course). I didn't remember that promise until AFTER I'd gone to the meeting, which is why I say I'd kept it inadvertently. But it really, truly is the most important thing, I think. It grounds me, it reminds me what I'm in this for. It keeps me accountable. And it puts me on track, it reminds me that the program has been working and that I need to work it.

I think if I'd missed my meeting, I would have pushed myself into more bad situations. Something along the lines of "well, that week's a wash, I'll make it up this week" and then I would be terrified of my next weigh in and maybe wouldn't have gone to that meeting either.

The last thing I ever want to do, amigos, is to walk through those doors for the first time again. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I just don't want to ever, ever do it again. I don't want to start again.

And I don't want this weight that I've lost to come back. It's gone, it's left me, I've banished it. I will not let one holiday screw the pooch. No, never.

I've got way too much ahead of me to throw it in. This coming year is going to be a big one for me. First off, I've made a solemn vow to 2 friends that I will take part in the MS society bike ride this summer. This ain't no sissy bike ride either. I'm going to end up in Madison I think. That kind of bike ride...

Also, this was the year I was going to start riding lessons. I'd hoped to be a bit closer to an appropriate riding weight by now, but really, who starts riding lessons in January anyway? So I've got a few months.

And, I really would like to find a nice fellow. And not like the ones I've been dealing with, who I think in the end do not realize what they have in me. And frankly I'd rather be single than settle.

You know what kind of guy I would love? Imagine Anderson Cooper, but straight and not a newscaster but just a normal guy. Smart, funny, dapper and cute. That's what I want. Is that too much to ask?

Do NOT answer that question...

Christmas greetings

Hey Amigos!

Sorry for being so silent. I had hoped to actually have an update last week, but I took a day off in there, and then work was closed due to snow (there's nothing quite like hearing your place of employment is closed due to weather...nothing compares). Then I was outside freezing and shovelling and snow blowing. And actually, I don't like blogging on my home computer. I don't type as quickly. So, there you are.

Things have been good. The losing has been going quite well! I had a gain two weeks ago, but hit it out of the park last week and made it up and then some.

Now it's getting challenging. I came in to work today and there was a tin of cookies, 2 bags of candy and a container of Godiva chocolate covered almonds. DARK chocolate covered almonds...aahhhhrrrrrrgggghhhhh...all left on my chair.

This is all just for ME. Bless them all for making me something, and I really am grateful, but it's not easy. So far I've eaten 3 cookies and a piece of fudge. I must stop now or all will be lost! Well, not all, of course. But it won't be good. Nope. Not good.

Did lots of snow removal this weekend. My snowblower worked like a charm. I feel like a badass with it, it's so big, red and loud. I start walking around like I own the place. I can't believe how great my neighbors all are. Seriously. I made one pathetic run down my driveway (my long, long, long driveway) then started to open up the end of the driveway. While my back was turned, what happened? 3 of my neighbors got together and shovelled my entire driveway. I did one path down it, and they did the rest. And they shovelled, not blew. I tell you, I nearly cried. That's how my neighborhood is. I'm usually up too late to be of much help, but this time I was able to help because the damn plows kept shoving all the snow back, all the way up to the sidewalks!

It was really amazing.

I guess I'm done Christmas shopping. I have this feeling I'm neglecting something or someone. I actually did wrapping yesterday. Wrapping is one of those things that takes 8 times longer than I think it will, so I figured I'd do it early. So I'm essentially ready. I don't know, I'm not too enthused about the stuff I'm giving. I was at the time, but when you sit back and look at it, I don't know.

I really do love Christmas. It's usually such a happy occasion, and I honestly do love giving people things. Receiving is great, but the giving...I love the giving. I love finding the perfect gift for someone, and then I have to restrain myself from telling them because I'm so excited for them to get it. And I LOVE giving my nephew stuff! He's so cute! I love Christmas music (of my choosing). And the food and egg nog and just the getting together and hanging out. Christmas eve I'll be with my whole family. Christmas day my mom and sister and I have a tradition. We were all so sad the year my dad died, we wanted to shake things up for Christmas. So, what did we do? We went to the movies! I'll never forget it. The year dad died we went to see The Talented Mr. Ripley at a deluxe theater, and we had dinner there. It was such a nice day, and breaking from what we usually did kept our spirits up.

So, we've done that every year since. Some movies have been very good (Curse of the Were-Rabbit), some stunk (Castaway...that movie was just torturous...we're much more careful about what we go to see since that one), but it's always fun. This year we think we've settled on Frost/Nixon. My mother and I are both huge Frank Langella fans. Strange, I know, but true. Come on, the guy's a dish. Maybe not as Nixon so much...

Then after the movie we usually go to our favorite Indian restaurant. Altogether it makes for a most excellent day.

In the time it took me to write this post I also ate 3 Hershey kisses. This madness must stop...

Big changes!

Hey Amigos!

Today's a big day for me. I fit into a pair of pants whose size starts with a 1. Can't remember the last time I did that! They're a wee bit tight, and when I sit down I do have a little roll of fat hanging over, but you really can't tell. No less than 5 coworkers mentioned my weight loss today, which, while making me somewhat self conscious, also perks my spirits up to no end!

On to other news, something amazing happened last week. But let me 'splain first. In July I had a physical. I was expecting everything to turn out normally, and for the most part it did, but my cholesterol was a bit alarming. At 219 it was higher than I imagined, considering I'd been on WW since February.

Now I can't say this for sure, but I had this sneaking suspicion that my predilection for WW frozen dinners may have been part of the problem. I was just eating too many of them. So when the doc told me he wanted me to come back in a few months to have my cholesterol checked again, I decided to make a few changes, the first of which was NO MORE FROZEN DINNERS. Not WW, not Lean Cuisine, not Budget Gourmet.

I honestly didn't change a whole lot else. I will admit that I partook of the frozen dinners more frequently than I am sure is recommended, so I'm not blaming WW. It was just my penchant to eat them if I had the points, and sometimes maybe that meant eating more than one a day. Probably not a good idea.

Anyway, I went back last week for my blood test. I'd been eating very well and getting exercise and I assumed that I'd been able to lower it moderately. Well, nothing could have prepared me for what my new number was.

My total cholesterol is now 191!!!! 28 points in 5 months! I should write a book! I mean, you see these folks in commercials, and they're saying "I lowered my cholesterol 5 points" and this and that, and I say "In your face suckers! Let's see you beat 28!"

I was absolutely floored. I printed off both test results (I can access my records online) and compared them side by side and sat there slack-jawed. Then one of my students (who happens to be a laboratory science major) came in and I showed her. Then I got on the phone and called a friend and told him. Then I called another friend and told him. Then I called my brother.

I'm amazed at what a small change can do. I'm amazed at the influence I can have over my own body and health. I did it all by myself! No pills, no restricted diet, nothing. Just pure Marginwalker power.

So, if you need to lower your cholesterol, screw what you seen on TV and come talk to me.

A small consulting fee will apply.

Care to join me?

Well amigos, here's where it's at. Something significant happened at my last weigh in. I hit a number that wouldn't mean much to your average joe, and actually it wasn't a particular goal in mind. But, what that weight is, is 100 pounds heavier than I should be. So, as of my last weigh in, I have 100 pounds to reach my goal.

I'm not going to divulge what that weight is, or what I weigh now, or the exact amount I've lost so far. I'm not ready to do that just yet. Some of the folks who do weight watchers are so brave and they put it all out there, stats, numbers, pictures. I just can't, I'm so mortified with where I started. Maybe some day, when I'm comfortable and several years have passed and some people I know have died maybe I'll be ready.

So, another leg of my journey begins. I'm on a quest to lose 100 pounds. The weirdest thing is that it doesn't sound like that much weight to me. I realize that it is, I realize I have a long, hard battle ahead of me. But I think I've got the skills.

Will said skills pay the bills? I think so.

So, here goes.

On another note, I made something so good yesterday I thought I'd plotz. It wasn't the easiest thing to prepare. It involves a butternut squash and I coulnd't find my vegetable peeler anywhere so I sort of hacked the skin off. And they're tough buggers so cutting it wasn't that great. See, I like cooking, but I HATE prep work like chopping vegetables. But what you do is peel, halve and remove the seeds of the squash. Then you cut it into french fry-like strips. Spray a cookie sheet liberally with Pam, put the fries on the cookie sheet, add a little salt, and pop in a preheated oven at 425. After 20 minutes you need to turn the little buggers so they bake evenly, then give it another 20 minutes.

C'est tout. That's all. They were...KILLER. Absolutely frickin' delicious. So delicious that in spite of the prep work involved I will probably make another batch today. I ate all of yesterday's batch because after the hack job I did I had considerably less squash than I started with. Maybe today my abilities will be better honed.

Anyway, just had to share. I've been promising recipes on here and have yet to deliver, so I figure this is a start. You should try it, they're SO good!

Well, I'm off to lose 100 pounds.

:)

TG and Me

Hey Faithful Reader,

Sorry I've been so quiet. I just haven't had a whole lot to blog about I guess.

I made it through Thanksgiving relatively unscathed. I worked the program honestly and still managed to sneak in a 1/2 piece of pumpkin pie. I didn't lose my head over anything, I didn't really overeat, and I didn't indulge in stuff that I knew would be a lot of points.

The best thing about the last couple weeks has been that, in spite of my illness, I stayed on the program. Well, not so much when I was really out with the stomach virus. Then I just ate anything that appealed to me and that would stay down. Needless to say, fruits and veg are not what you crave when you have a stomach virus.

But unlike my past MO, when I started to feel better, I didn't continue to eat what I'd been eating when sick. I just went right back to the program with no issues. Totally new experience for me.

I'm thisclose to wearing pants whose size starts with a 1. This is a huge milestone for me. I also purchased a cute winter t-shirt (it's purple with a big snowflake on it) that is a 1X. It's wearable, though a bit small, but it was the only one they had, and I figure it'll fit nicely before the season is through. But what that means is, I'm only one size away from being out of plus-sized clothing. Another milestone!

I remember the day that I finally admitted I needed 'big girl' clothes, as I call them. I was shopping with a friend (not a big girl) and we decided it was time for me to go to Lane Bryant. This was a long time ago and nice plus-sized clothes weren't as easy to come by as they are now. I even remember some of the stuff I bought. Blech. Pretty low-quality crap, as I recall, and not particularly fashionable.

And once I entered that plus-sized world, I never looked back. Until now that is! I'm so looking forward to buying regular clothes, no longer just the biggest of everything.

I spent part of the weekend watching shows about obesity. I have cable and there are several health related channels and they show programs about all kinds of stuff like operations, weird medical phenomena, that sort of thing. I watch shows about obesity on a regular basis. I feel the need to, I feel compelled to. Some of these are not particularly uplifting. One they showed yesterday, which I'd seen before, profiled a man who weighed close to half a ton, I believe, and he died half-way through the show. I guess I watch them because I don't ever want to forget what I'm up against. I don't ever want to think I can take things easy. I need to remind myself every dang day that this is a life-long commitment.

I've saved one of these programs which I watch every now and then. It's called "I Eat 33,000 Calories a Day." They profile 4 people who are super morbidly obese. Only one of them is not housebound, though she's very close to being so. She's the one who reminds me of me. She's my age, and while she weighs more than I did, it's not so much more that I can look at her and say "I could never be that big." And that scares the living crap out of me. I'll watch this, and then I'll watch it again...reminding myself what I'm doing, remembering where I've been and where I'm going. I watch these programs out of more than just morbid fascination (which is why I watch programs like "The Man Whose Arms Exploded" and "200 Lb. Tumor").

These are my cautionary tales. These are to me what "Lost Weekend" might be to an alcoholic. I feel some need to surround myself with stories of these struggles, both good and bad. I do try to see more of the good than the bad though...I don't want to make myself depressed.

I honestly think it helps. I can't let myself become complacent, and this is just part of that effort.

Anyway, I can honestly say I survived Thanksgiving without any sabotage. I made sure to take a walk Thanksgiving day so I could eat more, and I dipped into my weekly points several times this week already. But this is what it's about. I need to learn to manage these situations. Nobody would have ever guessed that I was on a diet if they'd been with me on Thanksgiving. Well, I did go a little long on the Cool Whip, but everything else was in perfect moderation.

I won't know my success until weigh in on Thursday, and I'll report back, good, bad or otherwise. This is real-life, it can't all be good, and if this week's weigh in isn't what I expect, well, I'll get over it.