First WW Christmas

Hey Amigos,

Christmas has come and gone, and I'm back to a relatively normal routine. I did attend a WW meeting on Saturday (my regular Thursday meeting didn't take place on account of it's Christmas), and I did indeed gain weight. No surprise. I did make quite merry on Christmas eve and day, and partook of goodies that I only ever see once a year (my mom's chow mein candy and bark, my brother's pecan pie, which is actually something I see maybe once a decade). I also had a run in with some cookies that I made (HUGE mistake--I won't be making cookies again any time soon).

Bottom line, I ate what I wanted and I didn't track anything.

Part of me is glad that I had these things that I really do like a lot. And I'm trying not to regret what I've done.

Another part of me is terrified because I felt that whole lack of control coming back. It's amazing how tenuous my hold on food 'sobriety' is. I could have continued on and on. And Christmas eve and day I pretty much did. It wasn't my best moment.

It's really difficult to explain my relationship with food. The tastes of these things is so overwhelming to me, but the actual enjoyment is so fleeting. I do not eat these things out of hunger, I know that much. It's a compulsion. I can't describe it any other way. The way an alcoholic needs a drink, that's how I feel about food. No offense to my reader if they have a drinking problem, I would never downplay a serious addiction like that. I truly mean what I say. That is the hold that food has on me. It becomes all consuming. And if the food is there, I'm going to eat it. Like the cookies I made. Until I got them out of my house I couldn't stop eating them. And some of the food that was here at work, it's the same thing. I know it's there, and as long as it's there I'm going to think about eating it, and may inevitably eat it.

I don't understand people who can control their eating without a struggle. For me it's an every minute of every day struggle. Thankfully, I've been winning. And even though I did have a gain this week, I don't feel defeated. I was on program yesterday and I'm on program today, and I see no reason that I won't be on program until my next weigh in.

The scariest thing is that I still have these feelings toward food even though I've been living the results of how eating well can change my life. I'm wearing clothes I couldn't wear a year ago. I'm a different person than I was a year ago. But still, I made trip after trip to the foods I wanted. WTF? I mean, really? How messed up IS that????

The fact is that I would still consider eating all the bad foods, my triggers, in spite of how much better I feel, how much better my health is, how much more I can do. Even though it's probably the worst thing for me, I still put that food in my mouth.

But, I will not beat myself up about this. It was Christmas. It's over. And all things considered, I really didn't do all that bad. I gave away the majority of cookies I made. I never opened the Godiva chocolate that I got, but gave it to my mother (who could frankly gain a few pounds...go figure hey? I dwarf my mother, I always have). I shared the food gifts I got at work with my students.

Most importantly, I went to my meeting. I went to my meeting. My buddy Alabaster Mom reminded me of how important that part actually is and after receiving an email from her, I realized that I'd inadvertently kept a promise to myself by going to the meeting.

I swore, at the beginning of this journey, that no matter what, come hell or high water, I wouldn't miss a meeting (unless I was bleeding out of my eyes, of course). I didn't remember that promise until AFTER I'd gone to the meeting, which is why I say I'd kept it inadvertently. But it really, truly is the most important thing, I think. It grounds me, it reminds me what I'm in this for. It keeps me accountable. And it puts me on track, it reminds me that the program has been working and that I need to work it.

I think if I'd missed my meeting, I would have pushed myself into more bad situations. Something along the lines of "well, that week's a wash, I'll make it up this week" and then I would be terrified of my next weigh in and maybe wouldn't have gone to that meeting either.

The last thing I ever want to do, amigos, is to walk through those doors for the first time again. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I just don't want to ever, ever do it again. I don't want to start again.

And I don't want this weight that I've lost to come back. It's gone, it's left me, I've banished it. I will not let one holiday screw the pooch. No, never.

I've got way too much ahead of me to throw it in. This coming year is going to be a big one for me. First off, I've made a solemn vow to 2 friends that I will take part in the MS society bike ride this summer. This ain't no sissy bike ride either. I'm going to end up in Madison I think. That kind of bike ride...

Also, this was the year I was going to start riding lessons. I'd hoped to be a bit closer to an appropriate riding weight by now, but really, who starts riding lessons in January anyway? So I've got a few months.

And, I really would like to find a nice fellow. And not like the ones I've been dealing with, who I think in the end do not realize what they have in me. And frankly I'd rather be single than settle.

You know what kind of guy I would love? Imagine Anderson Cooper, but straight and not a newscaster but just a normal guy. Smart, funny, dapper and cute. That's what I want. Is that too much to ask?

Do NOT answer that question...