Permanently Deleted!

Hola Amigos,

I'm here and alive. Not much to report, other than I went to the doctor yesterday because my knee's been hurting like a bugger and he thinks I tore a tendon. So much for working out at the gym. I haven't gone for about a month (because it hurts) thinking that the pain would go away. Well, it didn't. And when I started limping I knew I had to do something. The doc (who is about 10 years my junior and absolutely to die for gorgeous) isn't 100% sure that's what it is, so I'm going for an MRI on Monday. It's definitely not arthritis. Actually, my joints looked great and I'm eternally grateful (in spite of my ample size, and I'm BIG, my health is remarkably good...though I do know I'm living on borrowed time and if I don't lose weight it will catch up with me).

I did do something meaningful yesterday. I essentially severed the last tie I had with J. I already took him out of all my address books (virtual and otherwise), I deleted all his emails and voicemails, I got rid of all the pictures. None of this was done in a crazy way or anything. I wasn't super angry and destroyed stuff. I just thought that having those things around would be trouble.

But there was one thing I couldn't do, not right away.

We met online about 8 years ago. IM and all that was in its infancy and I was just getting acquainted with the whole world of interactive cybery stuff. J and I met playing Yahoo backgammon. Shortly after we hit it off we each added each other to our messenger "friends" list. I won't bother to explain it because odds are anyone reading this knows what that is. So every morning for the past 8 years, when I'd log in at my work or home computer, Messenger would turn on and I could see whether he was online or not. We usually corresponded that way daily, throughout the day. Sometimes all day, sometimes just hello, sometimes just enough for him to tell me he was too busy to talk.

Well, I left him on my messenger. He was really the only person I spoke to with any regularity (other than a woman at work who moved and now she's in an entirely different time zone). I was so accustomed to seeing his name, his little smily face, and knowing he was there, and that all I (or he) had to do was send a little message. Sometimes we'd end up calling each other, sometimes we'd share photos or music. Sometimes we'd chat very seriously, other times it would be completely off the cuff. My favorite thing was if I had a financial question. That's his forte, and he loved talking about it, and I loved seeing him become passionate about it (what can I say, there's something unbelievably sexy about a person with a brain). Cyber or not, it was our connection.

I couldn't bring myself to change it. I couldn't remove him. 2 months now I've logged on every day and saw him. Naiively I thought maybe he'd message me to see how I was or something. He never did. He did at first, when he thought everything was ok, but when I stopped messaging him, he stopped messaging me.

I realize that I was the one keeping things going, and left to his devices, well, I'd disappear. But I STILL couldn't bring myself to delete him. It was the last piece of him I had.

So I sent a message to my friend Therese (she's logical, she's smart, and like me she's 42 and single) asking her, as a friend, to tell me why I need to delete him. And Therese did what she always does, which is answer me perfectly. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear, and I was reminded what a dear good friend I have in her. The most telling thing she said was "No good can come of this" and I realized how right she was. What possible good is this doing me? I don't want to talk to him, and I don't want him back in my life. Yes, I miss him terribly, and I'm still very disappointed I won't get to see him in January. But does looking at his virtual presence online help? No, of course not. So I read Therese's email and immediately brought up messenger and deleted him from the list. It even asked me "are you sure?" and I paused and then did the inevitable, the move that could not be undone, the permanent deletion.

My friend Tracey at work (God I'm lucky to have such sage people in my life) said that maybe this was the thing that keeps me from what I really want. She didn't mean that I've been searching or sad, more that she was saying "things can't move forward until you do this." She also said that November is a time of ending. And I realize that's true too. At least for me (and her).

So anyway, Jeff (that's his name) is as gone as can be. I can't envision seeing or speaking with him ever again, and that's OK. It's the way it has to be. Of course there is a tiny part of me that hopes he's unhappy. I hope he looks at what he's done and who he's chosen to be with and realize what he's lost. I'm living a fool's paradise, I know. I don't think it's a man's nature (especially his) to do that. And from what he's told me about his past relationships and break ups, he doesn't have a clue that he ever did anything that caused them to happen. I'm not saying it's all his fault, but relationships don't occur in a vacuum. He's culpable to some extent.

Selfish of me to wish that.

You know, I can foresee him contacting me. If he does end up fathering a child with this woman (I still can't get over how weird it all is) I can see him telling me. I can actually see him doing that. If he does, this blog will be the first to know. I can see him thinking I'd be happy for him, for them. Yes, new life can be a wonderful thing. But that I couldn't handle. However it would be completely in character for him, and bless his heart, he would never understand how that would devastate me.

I won't get preemptively angry with him. It's easy to do that. I mean, he hasn't done it and chances are he won't. But it is possible. And if he does I'll deal with it then.

So it's as over as over can be. I never thought it would happen like this. But as my shrink said (yeah, I told him all about it) "After 8 years I'd say the relationship is about where it's going to be." I love my shrink. He's about 5'2" and cute as a bug's ear.

That reminds me, I'm going to write a post about my crushes one of these days, past and current. Some are pretty darned good.