Hungry

Yup, I'm hungry today. I've done pretty well so far, well within my points and whatnot. But I'm hungry. And sometimes when you're hungry you just don't want an apple. Actually, an apple can make you downright hostile.

But, I decided to eat an apple anyway, which I just finished, and the nice thing is, I'm not hungry anymore. So I was able to satisfy my hunger, and without the guilt that would go along with eating, say, pop tarts. Another small victory in my road to health.

As of Thursday I've lost 26.8 pounds. I got a little 25 lb medal and a little sneaker for exercising, both of which I've put on my keychain.

25 lbs is great, but 28 lbs will be a milestone for me. 28 lbs is the most I ever lost on any program. I was in college and between my sophomore and junior years I had gotten pretty heavy (well, relatively; I think I weighed 182 or something). So I dropped the 28 lbs and then just got stuck at 154. Now this was back in the mid-80s. I think nowadays (and according to some research I've done) 154 would be perfectly acceptable for someone like me. When I say I'm big boned, I mean it. I'm 5'5" and I've had size 9 feet since I was 12. Back then I remember my goal was something like 125. And I stayed at 154 for months, even though I was following the program (the new defunct Diet Workshop) trying desperately to get there. Eventually I gave up. I actually kept my weight under control for quite a while, but then, somewhere in the mid-90s, it all went to hell.

So 28 lbs has a significance for me. I feel like if I can move beyond it, it won't bug me anymore. Because it always has! I can't fully even explain why, but I've never, ever forgotten that number. And I was probably only 20 when I lost that weight. But it's never left me, and I sometimes wonder if I would have kept it off had I known that 154 is an acceptable weight for me. I was striving for what was probably impossible.

This is an interesting journey amigos. It's been just over 8 weeks, and I feel like I have a handle on the program. I won't lie, though. It's tenuous. There's always a binge waiting for me right around the corner. Thankfully I've developed some coping mechanisms and have been able to stave them off. No drive-through, no deli, no doughnuts.

I don't think it's hurt me that the price of food has gone haywire. But I firmly believe that I would be eating better regardless, because it's the right thing to do. And I don't feel deprived, which is probably one of the most important aspects. I can indulge myself. Like yesterday, I had pizza over at my brother's place. I didn't eat as much as I would have in the past, but I had a reasonable portion. I had a couple slices of fried eggplant. I had a bit of ice cream and a couple cookies. These are all things I'm allowed to have, it's just a matter of how much. So yesterday I planned to save up some of my points for the evening, in case things got ugly. Well, they didn't. I probably ate more than I should have, but I still stayed within an acceptable range, and that's the important thing. I would have been miserable if I hadn't been able to join them. It may not have manifested itself right away, but something would have happened down the line to make up for it.

So, yeah, here I am. Working through this journey minute to minute. But I'm going to keep moving amigos. What choice have I got? Seriously. Think about it. Do this, or stay where I was (and probably gain more weight). Well, I just couldn't stay where I was. It was all wrong. And this, this I can live with.