Fishin'

Hola Amigos,

Vacation was great, I'll write about that later. Right now I've got the schpilkes over a couple things and I just felt the need to get some stuff out of me.

First off, there's some shit going down at work that does not make me one bit happy. Decisions were made in my absence, and my boss' absence, and since she was gone longer than I, I haven't had a chance to talk with her about any of it and the stress is sitting in my stomach like a hot bowling ball.

Secondly, I decided to try online dating again. Why, you ask? I don't know. Glutton for punishment maybe? I like to see just how low I can get my self-esteem?

The one I'm doing now is free, plentyoffish.com. The reason I looked into this website is that a journal came through my area, I think it was Inc. or Entrepreneur, that did a piece on the guy who came up with plenty of fish. He's a millionnaire who works maybe 3 hours a day. He essentially said that this is so incredibly easy that it runs itself, and has been that way from the beginning. What the hell? Why can't I think of stuff like that?

So it made me curious and I checked it out, set up a profile and put my line in the water (haha...how's THAT for a clever metaphor). It actually has a ton of members, more than any of the paid sites, so that's good. And it isn't like it's crappy because it's free. They have standards and will boot people who are using it inappropriately.

But, alas, it's not much different than paid sites in many ways. I keep getting the same kind of matches as I ever did, and we all know where that got me.

Here are some ways to make certain that I will NOT contact you:

1. You have an obvious mullet in a photo that's less than 25 years old.

2. You're shirtless. I don't care if it's a close-up or a long shot photo. No shirt, no dice. A little self-respect, maybe? I got dressed for my profile photo, it's the least you could do.

3. You're holding something dead that you, yourself have killed. I can't tell you how many guys post pictures of them holding up fish, turkeys, and deer. They actually kneel down and cradle the deer's head in their laps. Yes, I grew up in Wisconsin. But thankfully my dad was an animal lover who never hunted anything in his life. We didn't have guns either. A pic of you and something dead or you with a gun? Overcompensating, fellas. Check out a book on Freud and get back to me.

4. You're holding something dead, period. That's just creepy.

5. You're holding a beer or other alcoholic beverage. Maybe some women enjoy that. I do not. Drinking is nothing to be proud of. Everybody drinks. I can drink. I don't need a photo to prove it.

6. You've blacked out the face of a person who is obviously your ex, or you just happen to have a picture of you and your ex. I don't care how good the damn picture is. Did you even run it past your ex? Are you trying to prove that you've had a relationship of some sort?

7. Enough with the pics of you on your Harley. See the reference to 'overcompensating' in number 3.

8. Shirts with sleeves, please. I don't care to see your pit hair before we've even met in person.

9. At least attempt to spell things correctly. A little effort goes a long way. And don't tell me you ain't got no spell checker. Which brings us to the question of grammar...

10. Be original. That whole bit about 'I enjoy walks on the beach' being a cliche? All true.

I'm not all hell bent on all of my matches being handsome. I just ask for presentable. Put a little effort into it. And you don't have to be a brute to attract women, at least not this woman. I don't need to see that you're a provider and you can hunt and kill things for me. I'm not impessed by guns or bikes or booze or how much you can put away in a weekend. Just talk to me!

Now before you say I'm all high-falutin', I want you to know that I'm not asking for anything that I don't provide myself.

Maybe my standards are too high? I'm sure some people could say that. But I really don't think it's too much to ask that you put a shirt on. I wear one every day. It's not so bad.