Listen all of y'all it's a sabotage

I've been ruminating on this a lot lately, the idea of sabotage. I fight a demon every waking hour of my life. Sometimes it's an easy fight, and I win. And sometimes I'm completely defeated. It's like there's 2 parts of me. Sometimes one part dominates, sometimes another, and sometimes one is completely banished, for a while.

Not sure if that makes sense, but it's honestly how it feels. Some of the time at least.

I've been thinking about it a lot because I've had a rough week. Some good, some bad. Mostly bad.

As of my last weigh in (a week ago today) I'd lost 106 lbs. So happy about that, I just can't tell you. I'm amazed to see it in writing!

I sort of cut loose that day after my meeting. Then I reined it in on Friday, and got some good exercise. Then came the fourth, and I really cut loose. Ate too much of everything, and continued until I fell asleep. Sunday was no great shakes either. Monday was pretty good, and Tuesday. But last night I caved. I didn't eat dinner at a normal time because I had a 6:00 riding lesson, which gave me enough time to run home, let the dog out, and hit the road to get to Grafton. Unfortunately there is a Trader Joe's I have to pass on my way to and from my lesson. By the time my lesson was over (and it was a good one, and I worked hard) I was HONGRAY! I figured I'd stop at Trader Joe's and get something to eat.

Well, I did that. But got more than I needed and kidded myself into believing I would parcel it out over a day or two.

I think you know the end of that chapter.

I can't explain it amigos. I really can't. I know it's wrong. There's a part of me that is screaming to myself to stop it. I mean that nearly literally, a screaming voice in my head. But I can't seem to stop myself.

One of the things I bought was some toffee. I honestly believed I wouldn't eat it all. I got home and had a couple pieces. Then I put it away. Then I kept thinking about how good it was. And as I continued to do that I wanted more of it. Then I started thinking about how maybe it's better I eat it all so that I don't have to obsess anymore.

I think you know the end of that chapter too.

I wish that somehow I could make this stop happening. Yeah, I realize that I can, by just not doing it. But it's not that simple. And I really truly am trying. I must be doing something right, I've lost 106 pounds. But the struggle continues, as much today as ever.

I try and tell myself all the reasons to not overindulge, about how much better I feel, how much healthier I am, how I can wear clothes that I like. You'd think that would be enough. Sometimes it is. But sadly, sometimes it isn't.

Not sure where this post is going. I was going to journal about it, but it seemed just as useful, if not moreso, to put it out here. Amazing how it does help. I don't like admitting that I've had a binge, but I think it would be worse to keep it all inside.

The worst thing, the thing I'm going to have to deal with, is if I see a gain this week. I get so angry with myself, and my negative self talk, which is usually loud and clear, becomes ear-splitting. And that worries me because I don't want to end up in a spiral. You'd think my dread of a gain would be inspiration enough to not binge, but that didn't stop me this time.

I can't tell you how bad the feeling is, anticipating a gain. I fret over it. It ties my stomach in knots.

Honest to God amigos, I can't tell you how much being addicted to food sucks. It's horrible. I wish it would just go away and stop torturing me.

I do have an answer for my current situation. It's very simple. I'm going to my meeting. Just like I went to my first meeting and every meeting in between. Good, bad, otherwise, I'll be going to my meeting tonight and weighing in. Yesterday doesn't matter, the past week doesn't matter. It's what I do today on that matters.

In a related yet different bit of news, I'm going on vacation. Finally, at last, I'm taking a full, solid week off. I haven't done that since January 2008, my trip to NYC. This time my mom, sissy and I are going to Charleston, SC. We went there a couple years ago and had a blast. I am anticipating a great trip down there this time.

The last time I went, I had to ask for seat belt extenders. I can't tell you how humiliating that is. It really is. And I'm going to tell you a little secret. I was so humiliated going down there that on the flights back I faked buckling my seatbelt to save me the embarrassment of having to ask for one again. Ain't that the shit? I broke F A A rules out of shame.

I was also wearing a size probably 4X swimsuit. Now I'm wearing a size 16W swimsuit. I intend on spending copious amounts of time on the beach and at the pool.

I'm a bit worried about the eating situation. The food down in SC is phenomenal. Seafood everywhere you turn. Hush puppies. I love hush puppies. Sweet potato pie. Sweet tea. Gumbo. Grits.

I'm going to track as best I can. And I'm hoping that the fact that we're going to be moving a lot (I'm never too sedentary on vacation) I will have some flexibility. I know that going on vacation can be tough, but frankly, it's never been as tough for me as I know it is on some folks. I do love food and eating out. But I snack less. And we'll be buying groceries as soon as we get there so we can make our own breakfast and I will have a lot of control over what I eat. So while being on WW and taking vacation may not be the easiest thing in the world, I do believe it will be livable, if not downright enjoyable.

I even have my meeting strategy planned out. I will miss my regular meeting, but already have one picked out to attend the day after I get back. So, I guess you could say ll my bases are covered.

Sorry this blog sort of rambled and went all over the place and whatnot. I didn't have a clear agenda, I just wanted to write about my problems of the past week, to try and sort things out, to maybe get myself back into the right frame of mind. Bless your hearts if you've followed it to this point, because I brought you into my brain and back out again, and that can be a bit scary.

I think I'm in a good place now. And I am going to my meeting tonight. As long as I can say those two things, everything else will follow.