"I feel like total #%@* Ferris"

Well, Amigos, in the midst of a horrific allergy season, I've caught a virus. How can I tell the difference? First of all, I have what is known in the...industry? field?...a 'productive' cough. This never happens as a result of my allergies. I do cough because of them, but allergy coughing is related to my asthma, and that's a spasm-y, wheezy, and dry non-productive cough. No, this coughing has been most productive. Also, I can't taste or smell anything, which always, without fail, happens around the middle of a cold. And I'm a snot factory, and not allergy snot. Nope, this is full on virus snot.

So, I have allergies and a nasty cold that I'm hoping doesn't get any worse because I'll just keep complaining then.

Aren't you happy you checked in?

I did attend the class yesterday and am now a voter registration deputy for the State of Wisconsin. I took an oath and everything. I went with my gentleman caller, and we actually had a really fun time. He took me to lunch and we discussed the fiasco that was Saturday night and all seems to be on the up and up. I feel better that I mentioned it and got it out there. And I think it was good for both of us. I'm not one to beleager something, especially if I feel the person is contrite, and he was. So, we're sort of moving slowly along. We did take an interesting step yesterday. He met several of my friends. The class was held on campus and we had time after lunch so I took him to my desk and showed him around where I work. I think he got the same feeling I get every day, the joy and fun of working in an academic setting. He even started talking about his desire to go back to school (honestly, it'll do that to you).

I have a pretty busy weekend. It's the annual Boxer Bash Saturday, which is always, always a good, fun and busy time. And I figure on Sunday I'll spend the whole day recuperating so that I can show up to work on Monday and not sound like I'm at death's door.

This and that

Hey Amigos,

First let me start off by saying that the post I did the other day, where I talked about my date that went all wrong, was not written strictly to be a bitch fest. Actually, I had a very practical reason for writing it. Usually when you see your friends (ones you talk to less frequently) they'll ask you how things are going. I've had several friends ask me "How are things with X?" since we started seeing each other. Well, I figured rather than having to explain the story numerous times (and admit it, if it happened to you I bet you'd want folks to know the details just for the amusement factor) I'd just blog about it, so that when friends asked I could just tell them to read it.

I have to say, it's worked quite well. Everyone who would want to know about the incident now knows, and I'm not hoarse from telling it over and over.

And, I'm certain that the man in question won't read the blog, so I'm not overly concerned about that. Besides, I was just relaying facts and how I felt about what happened. I don't think I went too overboard into bashing his character or anything.

Anyway, I felt the need to explain myself. And really, isn't that what a blog is all about?

Something strange has occurred, however. My friend unexpectedly emailed me yesterday. See, I figured since he didn't contact me over the weekend, that was sort of his way of saying we're finished. I was completely resigned to the fact that I wouldn't see him again, and it was OK. But then this email yesterday. He's actually taking the voter registration class with me. So, I figure we can do that and hopefully I'll have an opportunity to talk with him afterward.

I guess what I need to get out there is, if he wants to stay in touch with me, if he wants to continue seeing me, that's fine, but there are a few things I expect. As in, I don't want what happened this weekend to happen again. That seems reasonable, no?

On another note, my allergies are the worst that they've been I'd say in about 20 years. I'm absolutely miserable. Everything from my neck up itches. My eyes, back of my throat, inside of my ears, my scalp (???), my lips (yes, my lips itch). It's really, really bad. I woke up at about 3 this morning unable to breathe with a sore throat. I actually got up and gargled with salt water and took 3 advil hoping that it would alleviate my throat pain. The back of my throat is so irritated. My lips are chapped and my nose is in sorry, sorry shape. Currently I have one working nostril.

You'd think I'd be used to it. I've had fall allergies since I was a little kid. But, I'm sorry to say, I'm not used to it. It's like a cold that never gets better. I find myself praying for an early frost (sorry everyone...but it's the only thing that offers permanent relief). I went to see my allergiest last week, and he gave me some free stuff that has helped, but I think the allergens are winning.

Tomorrow I'm taking that class to be a voter registration deputy. I'm very excited about that. I just hope that it's something I can do appropriately. I mean, I don't want the election to come around and I screw things up and make national news because thousands of votes don't count because of something I did.

That is the sort of thing I worry about. I'd say my mantra most days is "Don't screw up...don't screw up...don't screw up..."

This weekend is the Boxer Bash. It is always a busy, very fun day. I think I'm actually heading up solo. That's about all on my agenda for the weekend, and I'm glad for that.

Signing off for now.

Hey! I forgot to tell you!

Forgot to mention this in my post below, but I had a very strange thing happen this morning. While getting dressed for work I had to find a pair of jeans. See, during the summer I almost always wear capri-style pants/jeans. When you're as hot as I am (and I mean temperature hot) you look for any opportunity to cool off, and capris are that way. ANYway, it's cooled down a lot so I was going through my jeans. Every single pair of jeans I have is 2 sizes too big. Every one of them.

I ended up finding the smallest pair of the too big ones (you know how that goes--they say the same size, but no 2 pair are alike!) which I'm wearing right now. They're still wearable. They're not falling down or anything. But they're too damned big.

So I was happy about that. Of course I'm not happy about the prospect of having to buy new jeans. So it was frustrating but cool at the same time.

Much better!

Hey Amigos,

I feel infinitely better today. Writing yesterday's blog was cathartic; it feels so good to get all that stuff off my chest. I also got a very good night's sleep; yesterday I was tired and cranky, but today is a whole other story.

On the downside, I had me a binge yesterday. On the upside (if binges can have upsides) I have still managed to stay away from my pre-WW binging habits (deli, donuts, culvers, etc.). I just ate too much of the things I already had in the house.

Let's see, what else is new. On Thursday I'll be taking a class sponsored by the Wisconsin Government Accountability Board so I can be a voter registration deputy. :) A deputy!

I wanted to do my part to ensure that everyone who wants to vote and is eligible, can vote. I know that during the Kerry election representatives of a certain opposing party who shall remain nameless were present in certain wards and did all they could within (and sometimes outside of) the law to prevent people from voting or registering to vote.

I'm trying to become more involved in this election. I sincerely fear for our country if Obama is not elected, and I'm going to do all I can to make sure it happens. Sorry if there are any McCain fans reading this, but I will not be swayed. We need Obama and Biden as our country's leaders, end of story.

Keep me in mind Amigos, because while my binging yesterday wasn't terrible, I did feel some of the old habits bubbling up to the top. It's a fine line I walk friends, and I'm trying very hard to remain on the right side, but honestly, it's not a far stretch for me to fall into my old habits. That's the insidiousness of a weight problem. If I succumb to a trigger, I could be lost forever.

But, I feel strong right now, so I'm going with that.

Peace out everyone.

File Under: "You Sure Know How to Pick 'Em"

You may have noticed, Amigos, that I haven't mentioned my gentleman caller in a while. Things have been smooth. Being a somewhat private person (well...among my friends I'm very happy to dish, but I'm just not quite ready to get all crazy out here in blogdom yet) I kept it to myself. We have lot of fun, and he is odd and quirky and somehow just right up my alley. I like him.

However, he did some strange things over the last 2 1/2 months. Nothing terrible, But a string of things that slowly compose a picture. Take this for instance. I was at his apartment. It is very sparsely furnished. One comfortable chair and a couple of ottomans, and that's about it. I don't mind that at all. I actually like it. So we were watching television (the RNC, which is a whole story in and of itself), and I was in the comfy chair. I'm the guest, it seems appropriate. I asked him a few times if he wanted to switch, because that's the kind of person I am. He said he was fine.

I get up to use the bathroom. I come back, and HE'S in the chair. And he wasn't doing it to be funny, I think he just really wanted to sit there. So...I sat on the floor. No big deal, I know. But when you add that to the time that he and I went for a walk and not only did he not even once offer to help carry the things i'd gotten at Outpost (and this was a LONG walk, and I had bought 5 bottles of salad dressing because they were on sale) at one point he was a good 7 feet in front of me. Again, not major things by themselves, but they come together to paint a certain type of picture. And there were many more things, Amigos. All minor. But as I told my friend Alabaster Mom, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And drop it did.

He was free Saturday around 7:00 pm. I agreed to bring a pizza over to his place. Easy peasy, right? He lives in a Milwaukee suburb about 10 miles from my house. It's a 20 minute-ish drive. So I order a pizza. While getting ready to leave, I realize I'd left all of my makeup at work (don't ask). I'm not huge into makeup but I like to wear a little, so I had to make a quick stop at Walgreen's and pick up the bare essentials, which I proceeded to apply in the parking lot. I was also wearing a new top that I had bought that day at Kohl's. Not too fancy, but fancy-ish. In my world, I was dressed up.

I pick up the pizza at 7:00 and drive to his house. As I'm getting off the expressway (about 4 minutes from his place) my phone rings. It's him.

"Where are you?"
"I'm just getting onto Howard Ave., I'll be there in a minute."
"Oh."
"Are you at home?"
"Yes."
"Everything OK?"
"Yeah, I was just curious."

I figured he was calling because I was a tad on the late side.

So, I get to his place. We sit down to eat some pizza (me on the ottoman, him in the comfy chair). I asked what he'd done during the day. He'd helped a friend clean out his car, and his friend took him to lunch. That's when I noticed he wasn't really eating his pizza, which I mentioned. "Yeah, I had a really big lunch."

OK...

He then said that a friend was going to call him about going to a church festival nearby. I figure maybe we'd go there later. So his phone rings, it's his friend, he gets some details and hangs up. Takes his plate of pizza into the kitchen, returns his pieces to the box and says:

"I'm going to go over to the festival. Did you want to go?"
"That could be fun. Do you think I'd enjoy it?"
"I don't know. It's just going to be me and a bunch of guys."
"Well, if you don't think I'll have fun I won't go, it's alright."

Then he proceeded to tell me about how one of these guys is a woman basher who won't hesitate to insult me to my face (when I asked him why he was friends with him he insisted this wasn't his friend, but a friend of a friend), and I'd probably be miserable. So I reiterated, "If I won't enjoy it, it's fine, I won't go."

Mind you, I wasn't angry or confrontational, I was my usual mellow self. Anyone who knows me knows that I have the patience of Job and am very, VERY slow to anger. To a fault, probably. But it's just my nature.

That was when he put his shoes on. To leave. He wasn't just going to the festival. He was going to the festival NOW.

So I packed up my stuff and we walked out. I was at his place probably for about as long as it's taken me to write this far.

I was disappointed. I wasn't happy. But I wasn't really mad, at least outwardly. Some of that is pride. I don't like people to know when they've hurt me. But some of it is just my own good nature.

He couldn't figure that out. "You're OK with this?"

I responded "I don't begrudge someone time with their friends. If this is something you want to do, then go and do it." He told me how laid back of me that was. Whatever.

I explained that I'm not the kind of person who is going to say "You can't be with your friends."

Now, that doesn't mean that I don't think what he did was pretty rotten, because I do. But I don't think it's worth the trouble of me getting all bent out of shape about it, at least in my dealings with him. So we parted ways. He was getting very lovey dovey and sweet with me and thanking me, etc. He decided he'd only be there for about an hour and then he'd call me.

Again, he commented on my demeanor, and I told him "It takes a lot to get me angry. Just keep trying, you'll get me mad some day." I told him what really makes me mad is being blown off. And it does. And I also said I don't like people taking advantage of my good nature. He told me how much he hates that too, and how he'd never do that and blah blah blah.

So, I went home. I walked in the door at 8:10. I'd been with him a total of a half hour. I was upset, I was disappointed, and I felt foolish. I'd prepared for this. I'd bought a new blouse, I'd bought makeup I needed, I'd picked up a pizza, I'd made the drive to his place, and he kicked me out in order to go to a lousy church festival.

In the end, I was probably more sad than mad. The anger did arise, of course, but again, it was overshadowed by disappointment and, in a way, shame. Like I'd made a fool of myself in preparing for what turned out to be nothing.

But, I went home and changed into something more comfortable. I watched some television. I did a crossword puzzle. I called a friend. By the time 10:45 rolled around I realized he wasn't going to call. Or maybe he was, but it could only be interpreted it as a booty call, and that wasn't going to happen.

So, I texted him saying "I guess you changed your mind?"

I went to bed.

Now I was angry. He'd done the very thing he said he doesn't do, and the very thing I told him 3 hours ago made me mad. He blew me off.

Then I cried. Being stood up (and hopefully my gentle readers haven't been there, but unfortunately this wasn't the first time for me) is so insulting, so humiliating.

I wasn't crying over the prospect of losing him because at this point having a relationship with him would be SO much more trouble than it's worth. I was crying over everything I'd done that day. I was crying over the excitement I felt at seeing him. I was crying over how casually he led me out of his apartment. I was crying because I was so unimportant to him that he couldn't tell his friends he'd already made plans for the evening. I think that may be the biggest reason of all. Going to a lousy church festival meant enough to him that he essentially asked me to leave. That's just...I know it shouldn't, but it makes me feel SO bad. I'm not worth spending time with. And he'd made plans with me first.

My friend and I were talking about if this is something we would do. I remember doing things like that in the past. But we're talking when I was in high school, maybe college. That was back when you didn't want to miss going out with your friends because they were going to have all the fun and you wanted to be a part of it, and you weren't mature enough to realize you may hurt someone in the process. It was never anything I ever did frequently because it wasn't a nice thing to do, and as I matured I just never did it at all. I may have to break plans, sure. Life happens. But I could never DREAM of doing what he did. The time to break plans with me was before I showed up at his house. At the very least, the minute my foot crossed that threshold it was a done deal.

At least in my world.

I can put up with a lot. Some people may see that as weakness, or an inability to stand up for myself. It's not. I just have a very high tolerance. And it's not bottled up either. I don't blow my stack at some later date. I'm just quick to forgive.

But I do break. And I do stand up for myself.

Once I reach a certain point, when my tolerance is stretched to its limit, when I've finally had enough (and the majority of people I know never push me that far; it's a very select few) it's a done deal. You've blown it, and it's irreparable.

I'm never mean about it, I never actively confront someone about it. It's just over. Take someone I work with (please). I had put up with a lot from her, dealt with her moods, tolerated her confrontational behavior. But one day she exhibited such behavior toward me, such unwarranted venom and vitriol, that I knew I couldn't relate to her on any type of personal level. We are on civil terms, we have an OK working relationship. But I cannot deal with her on any other level. She blew it. I saw some ugly behavior from her and that she can never redeem.

It's the same here. There were quirky things, but they were quirky, tolerable, no biggie.

What happened Saturday was downright thoughtless and unkind, and I can't allow myself to be open to that.

So, I did what one does in this situation. I've deleted all text messages and phone calls from him (I never committed his numbers to memory...they just downloaded into my cell phone) so that even if I wanted to call him, the only way I could figure out his number is if I go into my cell phone bill to my outgoing/incoming calls, and there's no reason I'd ever need to do that. I've deleted all emails. I've wiped him off my caller ID on my home phone.

I don't know if this was his way of dumping me? I mean, who listens to someone say how much they hate being blown off, agrees, and then proceeds to blow the other person off? I pretty much handed him "how to get rid of me" on a silver platter. But...would someone really do that? How low can you go?

Of course, he obviously can go pretty darned low. But who would actually take such a roundabout, rotten way to get rid of someone? Jeez, if he didn't want to see me it's as simple as telling me. End of story.

I have no idea what was going through his head. I have no idea if he thinks I'm still there for him. I just don't know anything about him, really. I thought I did, but I don't.

So, alas, no more gentleman caller.

But, in a very strange twist of fate, I got an email from a guy I saw casually a while back. We've known each other for a long time, and he's always been kind of sweet on me. And he has this uncanny knack for contacting me when I'm in the midst of guy trouble, without fail. And in a way that's kind of nice. It reminds me there are other fish in the sea. Not that he'd be one of them, because he's kind of a dick. But it's nice boost to my ego to know he's been thinking about me.

My gentleman caller, though...well. I think I can see clearly why he's single.

p.s. Should any of you feel like mentioning what a dick he was, and how rotten what he did was, please feel free. Even if you don't know me, feel free to tell me. And what I've written here is the unabashed truth about the situation. I haven't added or embellished or anything. No exaggeration. This is EXACTLY what went down on Saturday, sad as it is. So, yeah, if you feel like tearing him a new one, I say have at it!

Author's Note: A dear friend read this and mentioned that I was far too accomodating (true) and that I should have said more at the time (also very true). What I may not have conveyed above is that I was, frankly, stunned. The full effect of what went down didn't really sink in until I was home. So, in an ideal situation, I would have settled things there, but I guess I felt like someone had socked me in the gut, you know? I wouldn't have known where to begin.

More of the same

Hey Amigos,

My weigh in blew chunks yesterday. It could have been worse, of course, but it still blew. The scale didn't budge, exact same amount as my weigh in last week. I'm not disappointed or unhappy, and I'm OP today, so it's fine. It's such a weird thing though, to see NO activity whatsoever. But hey, I'll take it over a gain any day.

I've started and stopped this blog like 5 times already. Just can't seem to get my act together and I have too much knocking around in my head to make anything coherent. I guess I'm not quite sure what I feel like sharing today. Am I that boring?

I do have a little trepidation about having no loss this week. I did do some silly things, though nothing earth shattering. But I probably logged more exercise than I actually did and less food than I actually ate. You can get away with that here and there, but you can't make a habit out of it.

I've vowed to myself that I'll try harder this week. I have a milestone I'm trying to reach (I'm having deja vu...did I mention this last week?) and I really, really want to get there.

I went shopping yesterday, which completely tanked. First of all, what the hell is with shoes? There wasn't a single shoe at Boston Store or Macy's that I'd let anywhere near my size nines. And the clothes were just...nothing I'd ever put on.

I was all jazzed because there were final markdowns on stuff and I thought maybe, just maybe, I could snag a deal or two (I've been spectacularly lucky lately). But, it looks like both of those stores have been designated as the repository for whatever any of the other stores can't unload. Seriously. I was at Boston Store about a month ago and none of these clothes were there. I think this is their last stop before they die. Or maybe the staff is just trying to pull a fast one on us by unloading their own crappy stuff. Hard to say.

Clothes shopping has become somewhat more enjoyable. Not that things in women's plus sizes are incredibly fashionable, but to actually be able to take something off a rack and have it fit is something I haven't enjoyed in a long while. Things may have fit me, but when you can buy stuff you KNOW fits on online, it was a no brainer.

Well, I'm uninspired today so I'm signing off. Peace out.

Feels like a Monday

Hey Amigos,

What a weekend. Saturday I got up early and went a couple blocks down to catch the beginning of the Harley parade. We stayed for the whole thing. I can't explain why it's fun, it just is. We stood in the sun the whole time, but it wasn't too bad, and I'd put on some sunscreen (though not in all the right places). Then I kind of vegged for the rest of the day. I had grandiose plans of getting caught up around the house but that didn't happen.

That night my sister called me to tell me that Barack Obama was coming in to town and would be speaking at Labor Fest. So the next morning I got up, went out for breakfast, and went straight to the nearest campaign office and stood in line to get tickets. Again I was out standing in the sun. It was really warm, so my friend T held our spots while I stood in the shade until just about time to get the tickets. The line was SO long, it stretched down the entire length of an alley and beyond.

Then I had to spend 4 hours at the adoption center. It wasn't too bad, except for a guy who really annoyed me. When I told him not to pet the cats, he gave me the incredibly old and never funny or cute response "They were touching me." I didn't react. Then he said "They were touching ME, there's nothing I can do about that."

Huh? And...how old are you? First of all, the response is incredibly childish, and secondly, what the hell do you mean there's nothing you can do about that? Just stand back a couple inches. Problem solved.

Then he gave me the old "Those are the cats I want" like I'm just going to hand them over. I thought, but didn't say "And people in hell want ice water."

It's hard to maintain my sunny demeanor when I hear the "they're touching me" line 5,000 times, but I managed.

Yesterday I went to see Barack Obama. His speech was quite short, what with hurricane Gustav bearing down on Louisiana and its environs. But it was exhilirating nonetheless. A huge crowd, a very electric atmosphere. I love Obama. He had me at hello. :)

Nothing overly witty or insightful to share with you today. I managed to stay OP this weekend. As you lose weight they take points away from you, so I've been dipping into my weekly points more than I usually do, but that's to be expected. I was quite active, and really did manage to eat pretty well. At the Obama thing(gates opened at 2:00, and he didn't come on until 6) I had water, and a big soft pretzel smothered in mustard (one of my favorite things) and some red licorice. I'm kind of glad that my labor day ended up like this. I didn't have to contend with any barbecue, or fancy desserts or family strife, so I came out relatively unscathed.

Bully!