Hola Amigos,

I'm just going to start typing here, we'll see where this goes.

First off, I send my thanks to my friend, Alabaster Mom, who said, in regard to Jeff contacting me, that if anything, this should strengthen my resolve. And how very, very true that is. And I've vowed that it's exactly what I'm going to do. I made a mistake when I removed him from my "friends" list on Messenger. That mistake was not blocking him. It never really crossed my mind to do it, I figured he'd have the sense and the decency to leave me be. I should have blocked him, then I'd never have heard from him again. So that is what I'm going to do. Problem solved.

The small statements that Jeff made to me yesterday, and again today, speak volumes about his personality issues. He's solidified the fact that he's essentially clueless about me and my feelings and that I am right in my decision to get him out of my life. And frankly, what more can I say about the whole thing than that?

I'm not surprised, although I am really hurt. And no matter how hard I might try to impress upon Jeff that what he's done hurts me a lot (I don't actually mean what he's done, but the fact that he found it necessary to fucking TELL me about it), he'd never understand. So no matter how much I want to tell him that he's a completely clueless and ignorant asshole, I'm not going to do it. But I really want to tell him.

Maybe I'll just write him a letter, but not send it. Maybe I'll blog it. He'd never ever think to actually read my blog, so I'm not worried about anything he might find out.

I do have so many questions. First of all, what the hell was he thinking? I'd told him explicitly that I don't want to hear from him, and that I especially don't want to hear about what he's doing in his life with this new woman.

So maybe somehow he thought that by making his message about his dog that somehow that would make it OK for him to contact me? See, if I told him what I felt, I just know what his response would be: "I was just telling you about Googy." You see, I know this man. I know him very, very well. Probably better than anyone, and definitely better than he knows himself. He's transparent to me.

I want to know (or do I?) why he's so willing to be with someone else, and why he was so unwilling to be with me (in the end). Why it is that what was so difficult for him to do with me is so easy to do with her.

In the last conversation I had with him he stated that I was his best friend, that he was closer to me than he was to anyone else, that he didn't love her, but that he was choosing her because she's younger (aka: better chance at making babies). Those were daggers to me. That he's willing to forgo friendship, passion, compatibility, love...to count me out because in his mind I don't make good breeding stock.

And then goes on to rub salt in the wound by telling me about it???

What is wrong with this man? What sort of world does he live in? And what do I do with all this anger I'm feeling? 8 years just down the fucking drain, you know? And how do I reconcile that I hope he's miserable with the fact that I'm a Christian person?

Why couldn't he just leave me alone??? Why did he do this???

Of course, he's the only one who can answer those questions. So I'll write him a letter. I won't send it, but I'll write it.

I know in the end that I am a better person (and that's hard for me to say; anyone who knows me knows that my self-esteem is usually in the toilet) and that I deserve so much more than what he could give me, but that doesn't make these days go by any easier.

Well, I'm off to compose a letter to him. I doubt I'll ever send it.