So much to write, so little rational thought...

Hola Amigos,

I'm tired, it's late, I've got a million things to blog about, but I just can't fit it all in. I'll write about parts of my trip soon (I'm sure everyone out there is anxiously awaiting what I have to say...I'll tell you this much...not a single celebrity sighting!) but something is weighing on me right now.

I'm writing right now because I just logged in to yahoo messenger for the first time in a very long time, at least 3 weeks, and there waiting for me was a message from Jeff. My Jeff. The one who was supposed to come stay with me during my trip to NYC, the one I was back and forth with for the past eight years, who is also the one who finally decided that there was more fertile ground elsewhere and that I didn't fit into his plans anymore (to make a painfully long story short...if you want to read the whole thing I talked about it in October some time...though I don't think you really want to do that). He's also the one I gave the brush to (I can't believe I let it take that much to finally get me to do it) and did not anticipate or wish to hear from again.

Anyway, he sent me a message telling me that I'd be happy to hear that he'd finally altered his dog.

I actually am happy to hear that. The man has a jack russell terrier who is now 9 years old and never had him altered. I always had a problem about that and it was a bone of contention for us. We didn't discuss it much because most of the times he and I were together there were no dogs, or if there were it was my dog, not his but the subject would come up occasionally (usually when he would tell me a particular story about his JR doing something ridiculous, which thankfully never included impregnating another dog) and I'd try and impress upon him just how important it was to spay/neuter your pets.

So then my old mind started working. Should I respond to this? The good girl in me, the girl who is polite and does the right thing, wouldn't feel right ignoring him, because I was raised that it's rude to ignore people, like them or not. Should I let it go? Should I respond to tell him I'd rather he didn't contact me (which is really what is best)?

Then I started thinking, what the hell is he messaging me for? I'm not quite sure how much more clear I could have been with him that I could not have him in my life, so...what's this message he sends me essentially picking up like nothing ever happened?

Then my mind started clicking a bit more. Let me tell you that this happened within seconds. I don't pride myself on anything I'd call intuition necessarily, but I'm sharp (and I'm usually right), and I think I know what's going on. I'm assuming this probably has something to do with the new woman in his life. Maybe she's moving in, has a pet of her own, or cats (I'm sure his JR would kill a cat), or maybe she's pregnant and doesn't want some sex crazed maniac of a dog in the house at the same time.

I know, that sounds a bit far fetched, but this would be SUCH a Jeff thing to do, to mention something minor and off the cuff when what he really wanted to do was lay some bigger news on me. So then it turns into this cat and mouse thing of me asking the right questions, then him spilling the beans to me like it's no big deal, then the onus is all on me for making it a big deal.

So I'm betting dollars to donuts that he wants to talk to me about more than just altering his dog. And frankly, I know what I should do (which is nothing, of course) but my...I don't know what, maybe my loneliness, my disappointment, my sadness of losing him is keeping me from deciding what to do. I'd be fine if he'd just leave me be. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep him out of my life on my own.

Why can't he just leave me alone?

OK, at least I got that out. I'm going off now to get some much needed sleep. My curiosity may get the best of me...but I'm also very afraid of what I might find out. Maybe a good night's sleep will strengthen my resolve to keep him out of my life...