LMN and Me

I must comment on the phenomenon of the Lifetime Movie Network and how it relates to me. This weekend was not the first time I was sucked in to copious amounts of television watching, all because of this stupid channel.

Essentially I'm a movie snob. I don't give people a hard time about what they've seen, I just won't go see a lot of things myself. Date movies were never my thing (I've never seen Sleepless In Seattle or You've Got Mail, and I regret ever seeing When Harry Met Sally and Dirty Dancing), not big into romantic comedies or chick flicks. My tastes are quirky (Pee Wee's Big Adventure is in my top 10) and I do like my fair share of crap (I've seen Dodgeball and Houseguest repeatedly).

Yet I can sit and watch some of the worst made for TV movies in history with glee on Lifetime Movie Network. LMN (if you want to sound hip about it, and you probably don't) is a flipping warehouse of junk. This network is where actors' careers go to die. All your favorites from sitcoms of long ago? You'll find them here. Heartthrobs who are just a little past their prime? You'll find them here. Storylines that would never make it past studio executives? Thousands of lousy screenwriters finally have an outlet for their creative voices right here. Actors just getting their start? They're right here.

Where else could you see Hillary Swank sucker punch Joanna Kerns in the jaw, not once, but twice? No, this isn't a prequel to Million Dollar Baby. It's a snippet from a 1996 tv movie I saw this weekend called "Terror in the House".

A funny thing about this channel (or maybe it's a funny thing about me), there are vast differences in the quality of the programs. Well, the difference usually boils down to a plot that make sense with only minor holes in it or a plot with holes big enough to drive a truck through. I suppose you could say my criteria between a thumbs up rating and a thumbs down rating is how well the story holds together.

One I saw not long ago was almost incomprehensible. A woman's best friend set out to ruin her life for not much of a discernable reason, and that's about all I could make of it. The fun thing about the really bad ones is that my sister is usually home watching them too (serendipity, I guess) so we call each other frequently to discuss how bad it is, or to fill the other in on something we may have missed while going to the bathroom/reading the mail/talking on the phone. As if it actually matters, but we're invested in it, you know?

I don't doubt that part of my affection for this channel has to do with the fact that these are movies I can watch for free and I know I can turn them off any time, so I don't necessarily feel like my time is wasted. If I pay to see a movie and I dislike it, well that sits with me for a while. But here I can just forego watching if I feel like it.

A lot of these qualify for the so bad it's good category. I'd say the high water mark for me was a little gem called "Friends to the End." It had Shannen Doherty in it (not a fan). Long story short she's targeted by a woman who hates her and is trying to ruin her life (there's a lot of 'friend sets out to ruin other friend's life' on LMN; perhaps it should be its own category, along with drama, comedy, classic...). It's got a fake music video in it (possibly the high point), Mickey slipping, cat fighting, infidelity, false pregnancy, mental illness and murder. Such fun!

I generally won't watch 'disease of the month' movies, or the romantic comedy ones. The trashier the better, that's what I say.

I just now checked the schedule for tonight, and I nearly peed my pants. It's called "The People Next Door" and it stars Faye Dunaway! That's a recipe for pure LMN gold!!! Normally I save my LMN watching for the weekend, but I may have to break that little rule tonight. I checked out a few more, and I'm really looking forward to "The Rendering." It's not about cleaning grease traps for a living either. In this one it looks like a woman possibly married the man who tried to kill her 10 years earlier.

How could that not be good??

I did feel a pang of sadness when I watched a movie with Vincent Spano in it. Actually he's been in quite a few. The one I'm thinking of in particular was called "The Deadly Look of Love" and it was just as bad/good as it sounds. I've always had a crush on Vincent Spano (since Baby It's You) and he's been in several John Sayles movies, JOHN SAYLES for cripes sake. And here he is on LMN in a crappy movie with a crappy nose job. Strangely, he's still handsome, just different looking and the nose job somehow adds a more harsh look to his face.

But he does exemplify what LMN is all about. What would Vincent Spano be doing now if this channel weren't around to keep his movies alive???