Refocus refocus refocus refocus...

Not sure if you noticed, but I need to refocus. Yesterday I felt just a little off.

Physically I felt fine. But throughout the day I was having issues with food, and the wanting of great amounts of it. That's how I roll sometimes.

I had what I normally have for breakfast on a work day. This consists of Bob's Red Mill 8 Grain Hot Cereal (which is phenomenal; my reader may remember me blogging about having instant oatmeal every day; well, when I realized how much added sugar it had I decided to shake things up; after reading an article in the Nutrition Action Health Letter, which is like Consumer Reports for foodies, I decided this stuff was the way to go), with about a tablespoon or so of brown sugar (I'm working on weaning myself off it, so don't worry; it's just not something I can do overnight) and soy milk.

It makes for a very filling breakfast.

Usually by around 10:00 or so I'm feeling peckish. Well, yesterday I could not keep thoughts of inappropriate foods from entering my mind. And then it got all weird where I was starting to resent how I couldn't eat them because I really have no control once I start in, and then I could feel my resolve weakening.

When I got hungry enough I ate some pineapple I brought, and then I was fine. But it was a fight amigos. I didn't want the pineapple. I resented the pineapple. There was nothing wrong with the pineapple. The pineapple was delicious. But, the pineapple is not a bagel sandwich from Bruegger's. Nor is it donuts from the Pick n Save bakery. Or an omelet platter from IHOP. Or cinnamon toast.

So, when I'm done eating, the cravings are gone and all is well, which is much better than if I'd eaten the wrong thing, where I'd probably still have cravings heaped with tremendous amounts of guilt.

But boy is it a struggle to eat right. Such a dichotomy. I like eating right. It feels good. I feel good. It tastes good. I honestly feel more alive, so to speak, when I eat more fruits and vegetables, like eating something it its purist form makes the nutrients just get my whole cell structure tingling.

So, why isn't this enough to beat the thoughts of fried cheese curds out of my mind? Hm? Can someone tell me that?

For whatever reason the struggle seems a little more intense right now. If I had to take a guess it would be because of the holidays, that I indulged in some of the things that I'd been keeping away from for so long, that I'd eaten what I wanted when I wanted for a few days. Going back is hard.

But, alas, it's the choice that must be made.

The struggle continued into the evening. I persevered, but it was hard. I'd eat part of my dinner and think about more stuff I wanted. The thoughts were still hanging around me. I guess the important thing is that I didn't cave in to them.

Of course caving in would have meant getting in the car and going to buy something, because I honestly don't have that much in the house that's bad, and that's just not something I'd do. But the old me would have, I think. If I craved something enough.

We're closing in on a year, amigos. My first weight watchers meeting was February 29, 2008. That day changed everything. But I guess I'll only celebrate it every 4 years? Hadn't thought of that...

Oh, something funny. In my cleaning up efforts I found an old journal from maybe 14 or 15 years ago (I have several journals in various stages of writing; never really consistently did it, not even when I was a kid). I was actually glad I found it because it was the one where I know I had written my weight at the time.

So I figured out in the course of reading that 14 or 15 years ago I was a basket case (no duh) who weighed just about what I do now. The difference is that was me on the way up. I'm looking at it on the way down now, and my entire perspective has changed. I feel so much more positive about myself now, hopeful.

What made me chuckle was that I was all hopped up on trying Dean Ornish's eating plan (I think he called it eat more-weigh less; how could I resist? Of course, it's not as glamorous as it sounds; it's not like he's saying "Eat more Bugles-weigh less").

So back then I was still working it, still trying to find the golden ticket to weight loss. Happily, though, enough other things have changed about me since then that I realize I'm a much better adjusted person.

Anyway, my point of this blog was that I feel the need to refocus because I've been spending an unhealthy amount of time dealing with the desire to revert back to my bad habits. Strangely, I feel better already. And I see the snacks I have for the afternoon. I have a green apple and a grapefruit, and they look as good to me as a basket of onion rings. No shit. I am not pulling your leg!

Of course, I just finished eating my lunch and am therefore not hungry. So in a couple of hours I may actually find myself holding a tremendous grudge against my healthy afternoon snacks. But Rome wasn't built in a day.