Better today!

I reread my last post, I was a bit grumpy. I'm feeling much better.

I was at the WAC yesterday, and as of that day, I've been going there faithfully for one month. I've noticed several differences. First of all, I have developed very healthy biceps! I can't believe the difference but it's really noticeable. Also, I've lost a few pounds. Not a ton but it's a start. Secondly, I feel better physically. I've been working out and eating better, which just improves my mood and how I feel physically.

The pessimist in me, the person who has been trying to lose weight her entire life, is thinking about the process, and wondering when she'll fail at this attempt to lose weight. It's very difficult not to think of that. I know the odds are stacked heavily against me. I know that I have a heck of a lot of weight to lose (over 100 pounds). I know that this is something I'll struggle with every day for the rest of my life. It won't end, ever. That's what's discouraging. And even reaching a goal and feeling good is no guarantee that I won't relapse into that overeating lifestyle.

I've never been successful at losing weight. I've lost weight, sure, but to be successful you have to keep it off, and I never ever have. I'd say the majority of my life I've been slowly but surely gaining weight. And I know so many people who struggle with the same thing. I have no assurance that this time will work.

There's only one thing a person like me can do. I can only concentrate on how I feel today. I can only be successful for today, and then try to be successful again tomorrow.... I can't keep thinking about failing. I can't keep thinking about what it will be this time that will make me fall off the wagon.

I can't guarantee my success. I can only live from day to day. That's all.

I have made a commitment to myself to never have the surgery. One of my doctors actually suggested it once. I cried in his office. Then I started looking at the whole lap-band thing (not the gastric bypass). My insurance would cover it if my doctor said it was medically necessary, and I'm sure he would.

But I can't do that. I know that for some people that's all that works. But I can't. I can't mutilate my body (at least any more than I already have with food). A lap band is reversible, but even that...the thought of someone going in there and tampering with my organs so I don't eat as much...that's not right.

It's not my stomach that makes me overweight. It's my mindset, my thought processes, my messed up way of dealing with problems.

Isn't it weird how a person can sabotage themselves? Everything is telling me I need to exercise and eat right. I know exactly what it is that I need to do. But then some time will go by and something, another part of me, tells me that I need to reward myself with something I shouldn't have. What is that part of me? Who's that evil segment of my personality? Why would I mess myself up?

I did attend Overeaters Anonymous for quite some time. I'm not a true stepper. I never got the whole moral inventory thing, and as far as apologizing, well...and then they wanted us to do a lot of work on the phone, call other members, offer support. I can't do that. But there were things that I did take away from it.

I believe in God (raised Catholic though I don't practice). There is a lot about organized religion that I don't care for, but I believe there's a higher power out there helping us to live the right way. Anyway, whenever I would feel the need to eat in an unhealthy way coming on, I would in essence turn my will over to God. I would say "Help me through this one" and it worked. Just being conscious of what I was doing and what decisions I was making made a huge difference. So was it God himself helping me? Or was I just logically giving myself enough time to realize that I shouldn't make whatever bad decision I was about to make? I don't know, but it worked.

Anyway, these are the things I was thinking today. And so far today is going well.

I think another reason I have been successful is that I've been watching what I spend. I spent SO much money on convenience foods and going out to eat. Then when my tenant moved I realized that I woudln't have that rental income for quite a while, and now every penny counts.

I have a lot of things to reward myself with if I lose weight. 2 biggies:

1. Going to Great America and riding everything in sight.
2. Taking riding lessons.

I am excited about my progress, but i'm not letting myself look TOO far into the future...