I'm Not Happy

So a month ago tomorrow I wrote a post about my guy. Unbelievably, as optimistic as I was then, I am just as disappointed today.

I'm not worried that he'll read this. In all the years I've known him, he's never actually retained any information like that, websites, birthdays, phone numbers. I don't take it personally, actually it never really bothered me. Everyone is equally forgettable in his eyes, it wasn't just me. But it does give me some freedom because I don't have to worry that he'll ever see it.

It is, in a word, over. Plain and simple. We've called it quits before but in that half-hearted way where you know you don't really mean it. This time is fundamentally different, I can feel it.

I'm not sure how much of this I am willing to write about. And I probably wouldn't write it at all, except that I took a chance and committed my relationship with him in this blog, and I feel I need to finish it off too. Can't pretend it didn't happen, you know?

Some of this is pretty embarrassing to me. Some of it is so weird that I'd spend copious amounts of time just explaining and it's not worth it.

So, let's see...how do I state it in the simplest terms possible. OK, how's this. J met someone whom he feels he has a better chance of having a child with than me. No I'm not joking. And don't go thinking I don't want children. I've always wanted children. It just hasn't been in the cards, which honestly breaks my heart. But it's the hand I've been dealt and I live with it.

He said in essence it boiled down to "She was there, you weren't" (you meaning me). This person (and trust me, I have no ill will toward her at all; I'm sure she doesn't even know I exist) doesn't live any closer to him than I do, but they were at the same conference recently, and knew each other through a network. Anyway, I guess she's good enough breeding stock for him to make the effort to see her.

This sounds so crass. I'm not a crass person. I'm just so disappointed. It's like someone pulled a rug out from under me. And I know much, much worse things could happen to me. But this is what's happening right now, and it makes me feel awful.

I'll be honest (shoot, I'm always honest) and tell you that it isn't as simple as I relayed up there, but that's as simple as I can put it. So essentially he told me (in as many words) that we're not getting together in January, that he's going to pursue having a child with this person and that's that.

I'm sure that this was cooking for a while. This whole scenario didn't happen overnight. But as of a month ago we were planning our time in NYC. As of a month ago I was his 'amour,' his girl, his girlfriend. And he decided that it wasn't working, so he is going to pursue this relationship, and here I am left holding the bag, and it feels pretty crappy let me tell you.

You know, we were going to use that time in NYC to figure things out, to see where we wanted to go, to see if we could make the big commitment to each other. I mean, it would be big. But we were both so compatible, we just loved being together, and truthfully, we'd even talked about having a family (great scott, I never even told my mother about that part), it wasn't scary, it was just a matter of doing it, or not.

I shared with him that I was fully aware January would be a make or break thing, a shit or get off the pot kind of thing. He knew it. I knew it. But it had to be done.

But, alas, he branched off on his own. I'm not even saying he doesn't have every right to do whatever the hell he wants to, of course he does. But it makes me feel so...bad. Worthless. I am not even worth waiting 2 months for.

So, I'm not happy. And just like a month ago I wrote my first post about my guy, here I am writing my last. Ostensibly my last. I probably have lots of venom to spew about this, but I'm too busy wallowing in self-pity right now to vent.

So now what do I do? Unlike J I haven't lined anyone else up. You know, he told me he didn't love her. He didn't say that to make me feel better either. He said that because it's true. I think he just figured she's young enough and she wants kids too so he'd give it a try. His biological clock must be ticking significantly louder than mine.

Isn't this bizarre? What kind of story is this?

I was very calm yesterday. I was calm until he told me that he was flying to see her in a couple weeks. That was like a slap in the face. He always had plenty of reasons why we couldn't get together, but I think in the end it boiled down to what he was willing to do for me, and that just wasn't very much. So when I expressed to him my anger, when I told him "OK, now I'm pissed" he actually said "Why?" Why?? I actually had to tell him, I had to remind him of all the times he's put me off for one reason or another. I think it's because he always knew I'd be around; I'm very faithful, consistent, and he knew he could get away with shit just because I'd let him.

So as I was saying goodbye he told me he'd talk to me tomorrow. I stopped. I said "I can't do that." Somehow, he thought I'd still be there. How am I supposed to stay with him? What? What is he thinking? That somehow this is all going to be OK? Does he actually think I want to be a part of his life now? I'm not even saying I wish him ill, because I don't. If this is what he wants, fine. But I don't want my nose rubbed in it.

And he didn't understand that. Fundamentally, deep down, this makes me feel better. Because I don't think I could be with a man who is so utterly clueless as to my feelings. It'll take me a while to realize that, because right now it's all about me feeling bad. I'll get to feeling better later.