Lost weekend, and lost Monday and Tuesday

Yeah, I had a couple binges in the last few days. No purges because I never got that whole purging thing down right. I tried it once and ended up salivating a lot.

I ate way too much between Friday and yesterday. I consumed a dozen donuts, a huge bag of popcorn, some pecan rolls, 2 pints of dove ice cream, a breakfast at IHOP, turkey dinner at my sister-in-law's, a couple (OK, 3) candy bars...that may have been it. I had some fruit and cereal in there too, and probably one balanced meal.

Writing it down actually makes me pretty ashamed of myself. What was I thinking?

Another bad thing is that I didn't go to the gym at all this weekend. I went Thursday, but Friday I went out with friends after work. Saturday I had a meeting in the morning, then drove to Green Bay to pick up a dog. Sunday I went out for breakfast, then cleaned the adoption center, staffed it until 3:00, then went for dinner at my brother's place. I don't go to the gym on Mondays because it's SO crowded it makes me uncomfortable. The last time I went on a Monday I got my locker key, put my stuff away, grabbed a towel, went to get on a treadmill, saw all the people, noticed there were no treadmills available, turned around, went to my locker, got my stuff, turned in my key and went home.

Then came yesterday. Yesterday not good.

I took the day off, ostensibly to do all the crap around the house that I didn't get to because this weekend was too busy. It was a wasted day. I made a list of everything I needed to do, then proceeded to procrastinate and not do 90% of it. What is wrong with me???

Now I'm here at work (don't worry, I get legitimate breaks and such, and this blog is relatively squeaky clean) and am ready to roll. But I can't stop thinking about my behavior these last few days and be totally ashamed of myself.

I get a strange feeling sometimes, it's almost a physical feeling, when I'm not motivated. Like yesterday, I kept telling myself to get moving and working, and I didn't. But the thing is, it's not like I'm like that all the time. Sometimes I work my ass off, am completely motivated and get plenty done. What is that all about? Biorhythms? The moon? PMS? Why is my energy level/interest/motivation so inconsistent? What caused me to eat all those terrible things over the course of 4 or 5 days? Why didn't I make time to get to the gym??

I found I do this a lot when I journal, too, ask questions with no conceivable answer. What's that all about?

There is something good though after all this. I can feel, inside, that I don't want to feel the way I did these last few days. I know this feeling. It's a change that I get when I make my mind up about something. Like when I decide I'm going to try and lose weight, or the decision I made about joining the gym.

For example, I know in my heart when it's right for me to try losing weight. It's as if a switch gets turned on. It's just that drastic. One day I'm eating completely unhealthy, and boom, I make the decision to not do it anymore (I've made that decision many, many times...I'm looking forward to the time it sticks).

Or the gym. The time to join the gym was the day I joined the gym. Not a day before or a day after. It was THAT DAY. Again, like a switch was turned on. No matter how hard anyone may have tried, there was no way I was joining the gym even a day earlier, because I wasn't ready. Maybe this is like addicted people hitting rock bottom? You know, you can't get them to change until they decide to change...

This is a weird post. I think because what I'm writing about are weird things. Binging is weird. Compulsive overeating is weird. Self-sabotage is weird.

I feel better having written, actually. :) Maybe that's some residual 12 step influence, admitting to yourself and another person (or persons, depending one who is reading this blog, and if you've gotten this far, bless you) the nature of your wrongs.

I will try not to write such a self centered post the next time around. This just happened to be where my head is at today.

The best thing is that tonight I'm going to see The New Pornographers! Should be an awesome show!! Once again I'm looking forward to hanging out at the Pabst, having a hot cup of Alterra coffee and grooving to some awesome tunes. I'm feeling so much better already!

Adios Amigos,

L