If I were any slower I'd be going backwards...

I've done terribly with my eating and working out the last couple of weeks. I'm still going to the gym, but not nearly often enough. And eating, well...Nothing but junk for days. I'm sure that I've reverted to my pre-work out, pre-eating well state. Just goes to show you how easy it is to completely lose control (for me at least).

I'd say I was faltering a little before the whole 'J finding a woman to bear his children' thing. But that pushed me into a different realm. I'm not saying it's responsible currently, but it was a catalyst getting me here. I think most people would agree that sort of thing happens. One thing too many goes wrong and BAM, you're right back where you started. Like the one thing that drives a person to drink after years of sobriety.

Of course, I'm also a person of free will and I can't say that my situation with J is the cause of anything right now (other than depression). I'm the cause of my own situation, and I seriously need to snap out of it.

I don't know what it is though, I mean, yesterday I was absolutely comatose. I got up and had coffee with my Sunday coffee friends, and went to clean the adoption center, but then when I got home...nothing. I watched Columbo (one of my all time favorite episodes, with Jack Cassidy as the magician). Then I took a nap. Then I watched more television and spent a lot of time trying to motivate myself to clean my house (which is a mess right now). What is wrong with me?

I honestly do think part of it is depression. I've dealt with clinical depression since my early 20s, probably earlier but I didn't know that's what it was. Not to worry, I receive consistent help for my depression, but I think there are just some things that are part of the illness that you can't shake. Like before I got help, I'd lay around all day and feel badly and cry and all that. Now I lay around but I don't feel bad and I don't cry. I just don't feel like doing anything.

I'm a born procrastinator, so I can put off housework and whatnot until the 11th hour. So that's in there too.

And I think a huge part of it is that I just have a slow...metabolism? I don't know if that's the right word. I can describe it like this. My mother has and still continues to work her ass off her whole life. My memories of her as a child are her legs. That's mostly what I'd see because the woman never sat down. And my dad could work. If something needed to get done, it got done, no matter what.

But me, I can sit still for hours on end. Seriously. I can sit and just listen to music. I can sit and watch the wind blow through the trees. I can sit and read. I have a very still center.

That's looking at it on the bright side. Looking at it otherwise, well, I'm lazy. I'd be the first to admit I'm lazy. I haven't raked a single leaf this year. Know my reasoning? I have 2 maples that drop their leaves some time after new year's (I exaggerate) and I don't feel like raking more than I have to.

My alarm goes off before 6:00 am, but I don't get out of bed until after 7:00. I feel magnetically drawn to my bed. I have friends whose alarms go off and they are up and at 'em. No snooze, no nothing. How do they do that???

I'm not lazy in everything I do. And if I'm asked to do something by others, I will work so hard to do it. And I do put in a good day's work at my job. But left to my own devices in my own home? The things that need doing around the house and in my own personal life? Not quite the same story.

How could I possibly be my parents' child? How did I turn out so completely opposite from them? Or is it that I give things having to do with myself low priority, because no one else is depending on me? Is that a manifestation of low self esteem (I'm not important enough to keep my own life in order)? My mother often wonders how I can consistently clean the adoption center but not my own house (of course, my mother thinks my house is a mess whether it is or not; I had her over once when I thought my house looked beter than presentable, it looked actually quite nice, and her words to me were "Leslie, how can you live like this!?" I'm not sure what offended her so deeply; my mother is a very infrequent visitor to my home).

You'd think my years of therapy would have answered some of these things but alas, obviously, they haven't.

But I wonder, where did that energy that my parents and grandparents had go? It's like it crapped out by the time it reached me and my siblings (we are all, to a greater or lesser degree, the same way).

Well, that's what I've been thinking about. Probably my top priority right now is to get my ass in gear as far as what I'm putting into my body. So today is the last day I'll be having capuccinos from the gas station and crullers from Sentry. Shame on me.