Hey Amigos,

I've been silent this week. I've got the blues BAD. It all started with my bad meeting last week. Mostly my weigh in was bad, but the meeting wasn't so hot either because the loudmouthed triplets paid us all a visit.

On the upside, I've made a decision that if they are at my meeting tonight (they aren't at every meeting usually, but have been regulars for the last 3) I will be switching to 5:30 on Thursdays so as to avoid them. So that's a positive.

My week with food has not been so positive. I think I may have mentioned my Skinny Cow debacle. And I just haven't been eating right. And I haven't been moving much. And I haven't been tracking my points.

See, when I get depressed I just don't feel like doing anything. It's not like I've been eating really terribly, I just fall into some bad habits. Like skipping breakfast and lunch, eating too much at dinner, that sort of thing. On the plus side here, I haven't completely lost it either. If I had I would be at home eating take out and chips and such, and I haven't been doing that at all. I had a couple minor splurgy things from Outpost, but mostly I've just been eating too much at the wrong times.

So I've prepared myself for a gain tonight (and I'm not being defeatist, I'm just being realistic). But it's OK. I haven't lost hope and I haven't abandoned the program. I've just had a rough week.

I think maybe I need to tell you a little about my depression. I've got full on bona fide clinical depression. I was diagnosed probably 15 or 20 years ago. I've never been hospitalized or had any serious issues with it, and it's under control so you never have to worry about me amigos, I'm alright. But sometimes it rears its ugly head and I just feel buried. That's how this week has been. It's almost as if I'm walking around with weights on me that I can't get out from under. And my thoughts are consistently negative and I can't stop them. It feels like I'm followed by a cloud. I don't want to work, I don't want to do anything at home, I just want to sleep and be quiet. I can function, I go into work, talk with friends, etc. But it's a struggle.

Thankfully I think I'm on my way out of this.

Some members of my family are very sympathetic about it. Some seem to delight in telling me to 'snap out of it.'

Snap out if it! Why didn't I think of that? I'll just do that right now! **snap** OK, all better!

Jesus, what are they thinking. If I could snap out of it, I would. I'd never choose to feel this way, and if there was a simple solution you can bet your ass I'd take it. Honestly, they just don't get it.

Mental illness is no laughing matter, but we do sort of have a running family joke about my mother's side of the family. My dad's side, they're just smart and stubborn. But my mother's, well, where do I begin. Alcoholism, depression, schizophrenia, suicide.

Now I can talk objectively about my cousins because I have 33 of them and am not close with any of them. Actually, there's a whole faction of them that I've never even met. That's just geography talking. They've lived all over the country (and world) and the only time I ever saw a good number of them was at my grandparents' golden wedding anniversary, and I was 10 years old. I saw a few at some funerals, but for the most part we just don't interact.

Anyway, I've got some loopy cousins. I've had 2 first cousins commit suicide, both by firearms, and one of them was a woman. It's a very rare thing for a woman to commit suicide by firearm. I had one who completely lost his mind while away at college. No one is really sure what happened, and he's OK now, but it was scary. I had another cousin drink herself to death after years of alcoholism and a near lifelong battle with anorexia. Her sister is schizophrenic. I have some aunts and an uncle who are clinically depressed. One of my brothers is clinically depressed and a recovering alcoholic/drug user. The other is 50 and can't keep a job, and the other has died.

My sister seems to have escaped relatively unscathed, but she's also tough as nails and wouldn't tell you something was wrong even if something was wrong.

So I'm sure you can see why we may have a little fun at the expense of my mother's genes. That's a trait of my family, too, that we diffuse stuff with humor. But it does run a bit rampant on her side of the family!!! My dad's side? Nothing. My first cousins from his side (I have 4) are all incredibly normal and the nicest folks you could ever meet. My grandma used to say my Uncle Curly was a 'rounder' but other than that there just isn't a whole lot happening on that side. So, thanks for the nut jobs Mom! :)

I would really like to know what it's like to not have depression. My therapies have really worked and for the most part I don't have many, or any, symptoms. But it's always there, you know? It's never completely away from me. It's something I carry with me every day.

On a different note, I watched the dvd of Cloverfield yesterday. Know what? It was SCARY!!! Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised (I do love a good scare).

I will weigh in tonight, and I will post the results here. It may not be pretty, but it's part of the process that I've started, and I'm not turning away from it now.