I didn't win.

Not only did I not win the Oscar pool, I tanked. Big time. Honestly, it was really frustrating for me. I just couldn't get anything right. And I did some heavy research beforehand. I got a lot of the smaller categories wrong, and boy do those add up. A lot of times that's what makes the winner. I did get a couple of the biggies right, like actor, movie, director, but not enough to win anything back.

The ceremony was as annoying as ever. No matter how hard they try they just can't make it good. Jon Stewart is a great host, but he can't make up for the production numbers, the inanity...blech.

I spent a goodly amount of time flipping between the awards and Pride and Prejudice on PBS. If you compared the time watched side by side P and P would win hands down. I've seen it many times but I just can't get enough of it! A straight male friend of mine has exclaimed numerous times "I'd go gay for Colin Firth" based strictly on his role as Mr. Darcy. If you haven't seen it, you must. It's so wonderfully done, and Colin Firth is simply divine, the ultimate Mr. Darcy. It's such a dear story, to watch her falling in love with him, and how he comes to understand himself. Simply amazing. I'm reading the book now too, and simply love it.

I didn't do a whole lot this weekend. I'm watching LOST on dvd and just finished disc 2 of season 2. It's a surprisingly good show. And it's got Matthew Fox in it. 'nuff said. I am also watching another Werner Herzog movie, this one starts out in Germany and ends up in Wisconsin. It's very odd.

I made sort of a decision this weekend too. It's been a very difficult decision for me, for many reasons. Some monetary, some emotional, some fear-based. But I've decided to join Weight Watchers. I wouldn't say it's against my better judgment, but it is against my gut (I am fully aware of the irony). I've been in weight watchers before, it's probably been a good 12 or 13 years. I stopped going because of an incident that really bothered me. Back then there were several ways you could pay. I chose some sort of ticket system (it's fuzzy to me). Anyway, one week I couldn't go to my regular meeting so I opted for another one later in the week at the same location. According to them I had to relinquish 2 tickets. It sounds minor here, but it really, really bothered me. I was trying to do the right thing by attending a meeting in lieu of the one I missed. But since I'd gone over this arbitrary number of days they insisted that I pay twice (i.e., give them 2 tickets). I was floored that they were so concerned about getting that from me, and believe me, they were. I turned in my 2 tickets and I never went back. It just bothered me so. It may sound petty here, but it really rubbed me the wrong way, that they couldn't understand my situation and that it was so God awful important to them to get their money. I realized that these people didn't care about me at all. They didn't know my name, nor anything about me. They just wanted to be sure I didn't get a 'freebie.' I don't know if it was WW themselves or just that chapter, but that hurt man. Just sucked all the enthusiasm right out of me.

However, I know I need help, I need to do something. I'm not accomplishing anything on my own, and I hope that the structure of a weekly meeting will help me get back on track. I know Weight Watchers works. The meeting I will be attending is for people with 50+ pounds to lose. I don't have 50+ pounds to lose, I have 50+100 pounds to lose. But I have to do something amigos. I'm not discussing this with many people. Mainly my mother (is it a coincidence that I decided to do this while she is in Texas visiting her sisters? I think not). I can't explain to you why (that's between me and my therapist) but getting praise from her has the opposite effect on me. If I could drop 50 pounds without her noticing I'd be a very happy person. I realize that's fucked up but it's the way things are between my mom and me. Her usual phrase of encouragement is "Keep it up." Not "great job" or anything. But "keep it up." Sorry amigos, that's not good for me to hear. It just means that in her eyes I've got a long way to go.

There is a lot of fear involved here. Tons of fear. Fear of failure and fear of success. Fear of changing my lifestyle, fear of changing the way I look. I'm not going to burden you all with any of this. That's what I'm going to see my therapist tomorrow to do. But I figured I'd let you know. Maybe that's the turn this blog will take, my journey. Or maybe not. I don't know. But my first meeting is going to be Thursday night. I'll let you know how it goes.

Peace out.