Anxious

Hey Amigos,

I feel the need to blog about some anxiety I'm having. I suppose I could just journal about this but who knows, maybe I'll write something that someone else may find helpful.

I'm anxious about many things right now. I'm anxious about my weigh in tomorrow. I can't believe how fast they come up! I was .2 lbs away from hitting a personal milestone last week. I believe that I did relatively well this week, but as has been my problem in the past, I let go a bit over the weekend. 3 meals eaten out, eating every bite from the plates of said meals, a few too many tortilla chips while having Mexican for lunch, a breakfast that could have been better. I know that I will be quite disappointed if I don't lose that lousy .2 that I need to, and I have no one to blame but myself.

Why would I sabotage myself? None of those things I did was fatal of course. But they are the crack in the dike, you know? That tiny little thing that seems OK and you don't have to worry about it, but it's the beginning of trouble.

The good thing is I recognize it as such. But I recognized it going in to this week and I still caved.

It's such a scary thing, that food has such control over me. You put it in front of me and I'm going to eat it. Like when I was at the ball game a few weeks back, we had a big bag of salted-in-the-shell peanuts. I kept eating them, and then moved them away from me so I would stop. My sister said "Why don't you just stop eating them?" Sounds easy doesn't it. But for me it's not. I needed them out of my reach. But why???

I'm anxious about how the odds are stacked against me. I do know the answer to that problem, though. Never stop going to the meetings. These meetings are going to be a life-long thing for me. If I stop going, it will stop working. That much I know. I tried desperately, for close to 20 years, to lose weight on my own, and all I did was gain. I'd lose in the short term, but it would always come back on, along with a few friends brought along just for kicks.

As long as I reach out for support, as long as I educate myself, as long as I'm accountable, every week, I will succeed.

Living the way I was living is not an option anymore. I really and truly was miserable. The enjoyment of food is over so quickly, but the effects of it are not. The good thing is I tend to think a lot more about my choices and I tend not to rush into things and buy stuff and eat it before I have a chance to rationally decide what I should do.

There are lots of things I haven't eaten since I started WW, and I don't miss them. I never did miss them. Krispy Kreme, for example. Can't remember the last time I had a KK donut, but I don't really care and I don't miss it. Haven't gone to a drive-thru since I started WW. I haven't visited the local deli or bakery either. I haven't had a mocha or a latte. I haven't bought and devoured a bag of chips. I haven't gotten anything from a vending machine. I haven't ordered Chinese carryout. I've been feeding myself with the groceries I buy every week. Not only have I lost weight, but I've for certain saved a lot of money too.

Even while I know I'm doing well and will continue to do so, there are still things that cause me anxiety, things that I work on all the time. I could never, ever say that this struggle is easy. The plan is easy. The meals I prepare and eat are easy. But the struggle I have with food never, ever will be easy. Never. I will fight this my entire life. That's what makes me so anxious. But all I can do is get through today.

If all else fails, I'll find something on my body that weighs .2 lbs and chop it off. Come to think of it, I haven't had a hair cut lately.