Round and round we go

Hey Amigos,

Once again I've got the schpilkes in my genechtegezoink. Various things are going on at this time, the majority of them having to do with the feller I've been seeing. I can blog about this because he doesn't know I have a blog, and if I ever choose to tell him about it, well...oh, it's just not going to happen, so I can write about it here.

Bottom line, I don't know what's going on. Well, let me rephrase that. I THINK I know what's going on, but my impressions are not being validated. I am pretty sure that I am grooving more on him than he is on me. Now, that's OK, I understand it, and it happens. But I wish he'd shit or get off the pot, you know? It's this ambiguity, this uncertainty that gives me the schpilkes. Sometimes I hear from him, sometimes I don't.

See, me? I'm disgustingly consistent. You call me, I'll call you back. You email me, I'll email you back. You ask a question, I answer you. If I dig you, I'm going to want to see you. And I've never been one to smother someone, either. I like my space and my independence, and I let that be known.

This guy? Not so much. Not quite so straightforward. And I don't get it.

And this isn't one of those 'he's not that into you things.' Well, wait, it could be that. But if it were that I'd rather he just left me alone than contact me, but only some of the time. You know?

And I don't really know him well enough to call him on the carpet for it. Seriously. I don't know what kind of person he is, if this is his normal way of doing things or what. I just don't know. And I don't want to give HIM the schpilkes by making it seem that it's a big deal to me. I guess maybe it IS a big deal to me, but it's a big deal between me and me, not me and him. I can't make him change, I can't expect things of him.

I just wish we were more synched up.

There was an episode of Sex and the City once where the girls were wondering where all the guys went who they never heard from again. Miranda, I think, said that she likes to pretend they died. I don't think I can do that, but it is damned funny. What gets me is that they pretty much do go back out there and find someone, just that I'm never that one. Like this guy. He's probably interested in dating, he's just not interested in dating ME. And I don't quite know how to change that, or if I should. I don't know what to do at all, because no matter what I do it never seems to work out.

I talked with my therapist about this extensively last week. It was interesting because he was pointing out things that I had never considered. It's complicated so I won't go into it. Just allow me to say that I have a very wise therapist, and thank goodness for that. I can't burden my poor friends with my neuroses. At least my therapist is being paid to listen to me.

Before you go and say that I'm complicating things, allow me to say this much. What you're reading is all internal dialog, my internal workings, that sort of thing. I remain calm, cool and collected as far as the fella is concerned. I'm usually that way in most situations. It's not even that I'm keeping something inside. It BELONGS inside. I just had to somehow let some of it out, to possibly, in some small way, help with my anxiety.

Sadly, it hasn't helped much. But I'm going to publish this anyway. I don't even know if any of it makes sense.

Let me tell you this much. If you're not single and looking, consider yourself lucky. It's a jungle out there.